A silly little ranking of the 2022 Love Islanders based on how good they’d be at cooking

I would actually sell one of my more useful limbs to see what the Islanders eat when the cameras are off. A catering company feeds them and we don’t see it because it’s at that time all their microphones are taken off them for a charge. I want ITV to eff off with the catering company and I want to see the Islanders fend for themselves in the kitchen. I want weekly food drops a la Big Brother. I need to see which Islanders can whip up gourmet scrans and which are more comfortable with the ease and convenience of a Pot Noodle. Here’s my ranking of all the 2022 Love Island cast by how good I reckon their cooking prowess is.

The four new bombshells are merely strangers to me, since I’ve known them for a grand total of five minutes. They will not be featuring here. Sorry!

12. Dami

This man has eaten nothing that wasn’t served by his mum. Cut him open and he bleeds the plastic cheese sachet from a Rustlers burger. Grow up!

11. Gemma

Gemma Owen is so posh that she wears a necklace worth 20 grand as blasé as me shoving on some Primark two quid sliders to put the bin out. Do you think this woman has ever cooked a thing in her life? She can’t even turn a hob on. But could still chef Dami under the table.

10. Luca

Okay sure he SELLS fish, but how does he cook it? My guess: Badly. Luca has the energy of an Old El Paso fajita kit. He reminds me of when Jesy Nelson has a fajita night and posted it on her Instagram story captioned with “wallah” instead of “voila”.

9. Adam

The cooking equivalent of a kebab shop. Not that he eats any, because his body is a temple. If Love Island 2022 Islanders were being judged on their cooking, Adam Collard would be a load of meal prepped chicken and rice with a blob of Nandos sauce dribbled over some soggy microwaved frozen veg. Bone apple teeth.

8. Andrew

Andrew has big mummy’s boy energy – like you just know he’d trek halfway across the country for a home cooked shepherd’s pie. I get the vibe from him that at uni he went into a really try-hard learning to cook era to impress his flatmates but just ended up making a lot of pasta with stir in sauces. Dolmio day is every day for Andrew. He will be sucking / licking Sophia Dolmio’s tit. Or whatever.

7. Tasha

Tasha is a trier, and god loves a trier. So I will give her credit for that. But I just know in my heart of hearts that although she probably goes out and buys all the fresh ingredients, her food is desolate when it comes to seasoning. A roast chicken without a crumb of flavour. Bone dry.

6. Ekin-Su

I’ve been to Turkey many, many, many times. And although Ekin-Su has the icon energy of someone who loves to be cooked for, and who is so charming they more often than not get their wish, there’s not a chance in hell she doesn’t know how to whip up some unreal food. I want to go round Ekin’s for tea. Now!

5. Paige

There’s something very hearty and wholesome about Paige. I know she’s got a slow cooker on at all times. Going round for a rustic stew. Nothing too out there, but of all the Love Island 2022 cast I think Paige’s cooking skills would be strong enough to get into the top five.

4. Deji

I’m convinced that nothing on earth phases Deji, and feel like his cooking prowess would excel him higher than most of the Love Island 2022 bunch because he strikes me as someone who just breezes through life and things end up going his way. Like, just chucks a few experimental herbs into a pan and ends up making the best thing any human has ever tasted. Deji energy.

3. Indiyah

I just KNOW Indiyah makes the tastiest food on earth. Absolutely bursting with flavour, spice and vibes. Healthy but colourful and vibey. Everything she whips up I would take a picture of for my Insta story.

2. Danica

Runs a kitchen like the navy. She takes the onions for a one to one HR meeting and slices and dices. She doesn’t leave that kitchen til her sous chefs hands are bleeding. Blood, sweat and tears goes into Danica’s cooking. Our jobsworth queen.

1. Davide

Did somebody order an Italian snack? No, I ordered an Italian BANQUET baby! Whip me up your finest pasta and I’m all yours. I just know it will be the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted. Hopefully he calls me a LYER and an ACTREZZ for pudding.

For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.

Featured image before edits by Fabrizio Magoni on Unsplash.

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