Ranking the 2022 Love Islanders by how long they’d survive in a horror film

I fear there’s no hope for Andrew

2 years ago

Love Island 2022
UK

Watching Love Island every year, I always find myself musing on how much a cast of young and conventionally gorgeous singles would be the perfect disposable fodder for a horror film. They are the stuff Michael Myers’ dreams are made of – sun drenched, dramatic and full of hope to have the summer of their dreams. It’s got all the makings of your horror blockbuster. But who would survive the longest? Here’s all the Love Islanders of 2022 ranked by how long they’d last in a horror film.

Remi and Jay? Dead before the film starts

Look, I don’t know a thing about them yet except one works in finance and one does cursed rap videos. And for those reasons alone, they’re long gone. Dead before the cameras started rolling. Perhaps someone else would find their bodies midway through the film and realise the horrors started a long time ago? That vibe.

12. Andrew

Has no hope getting past the opening five minutes. End of.

11. Tasha

I see a Casey Becker from Scream sort of sticky ending for our Tasha. A double opening murder in the Hideaway of her and Andrew. But she outlives him – she slays harder.

10. Jacques

If there’s one thing a horror film hates, it’s cockiness. And in the preview for tonight’s episode last night, Jacques sealed his own fate. You can’t act the big man and survive. It never ends well! This man will meet a sticky and early end.

9. Paige

Look, I’m not happy about this. Paige is the most precious soul in that villa and should be protected at all costs. But in horror films, we lose the ones we love. And I really feel like Paige would not be making it through that long. She doesn’t have that slightly frightening grit to fight her way away from a crazed killer. She’d die, we’d mourn.

8. Amber

Amber would fair pretty well out of all the 2022 Love Islanders if they were in a horror film. She’s got her shit together. She hasn’t quite got final girl energy, but she’d be good to have about in a crisis.

7. Indiyah

You just wouldn’t fuck with her. Smart, savvy, chic. She would evade a stabbing for a good long while. Queen of horror.

6. Luca

You just know Luca would go in all guns a-blazing, constantly trying to fight the maniac killer off and generally doing a pretty good job at it. But then, he gets too cocky, and meets a sticky end. No one with a tattoo of Winston Churchill on their forearm is emerging from a horror film alive.

5. Ikenna

I’m sorry, but Ikenna is lasting a good long while. Have you seen the size of his feet? One boot of them to a killer’s face and they’d regret ever coming at him with a knife!

4. Ekin-Su

She plays a serial killer on a Turkish soap, so she knows the ins and outs of a killer’s mind. In fact, she actually is the killer. Or she’s the Amanda to the killer’s Jigsaw. A loose cannon.

3. Davide

The villa’s answer to Rambo. Gets by on brute force alone. And a ruthless ability to not stay behind and save anyone.

2. Gemma

Main character personified. There is no other final girl in that villa, whether you like it or not. She is the Neve Campbell, the Jamie Lee Curtis. She could survive a franchise. No knives are going anywhere near her. Do you know who her dad is?!

1. Dami

The untouchable king of the villa. The killer in the horror film knows this. He sees Dami and goes, you know what? End the film. Dami’s likability makes the killer repent for his crimes. A horror with a happy ending

Love Island 2022 continues on ITV2 at 9pm tonight. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.