A silly little ranked list of the new Love Islanders, based on nothing but the first episode

Love Island is back, and it’s strutting into the new villa in some wedge heels not with a throttling howl of “I’m back, boo” but a timid whimper. The skies were grey, the Whitmores were half-arsed and the Islanders got forcibly coupled up with people they looked like they’d rather be stood anywhere in the world than with. It wasn’t the new lease of life I was hoping for with a new season, but at least the tweets were funny and the conversations as each singleton tried to break the ice with their newly thrust upon partner was cringe inducing. But you know what’s going to be endlessly more fun than that premiere? Ranking the 2022 Love Island cast purely on pettiness and nothing except what I thought of them in the first episode.

Everything comes into play – including vibes, whether I think they’re going to be good telly, if they have a birthmark of a heart on their penis, all sorts. Let’s do it!

11. Andrew

I literally kept forgetting Andrew was there. I wish he stole that woman from Twitter’s daughter’s handbag in Bristol Sainsbury’s after all – at least then he’d have something to talk about.

10. Ikenna

Seems a nice lad, but not really feeling him on the fun TV scales yet. And neither is Indiyah, if her facial expression on their coupled up visual is anything to go by. I mean… look.

Not exactly the face of joy from Indiyah, is it? I do like Ikenna and hope he brings the more fun content as the season goes on.

9. Luca

Something about Luca last night just made me cringe to the high heavens. Maybe it’s because he’s got the worst tattoos I’ve ever laid eyes on. Winston Churchill? 1995 even though he’s 23? A maths equation? And is that Cecil the dead lion I spy? A jumble sale. Also, I stand with Gemma: Bish is a stupid name.

But I love a bit of cringe. I think he’s going to be lovable.

8. Tasha

My pre-season predictions said Tasha would be an Aperol Spritz girly who’d say “slay queen” to me a lot, and after that first episode I think I was 100 per cent accurate. Let’s get an Aperol, doll! I’m in! Loved the main character energy of calling everyone round the firepit to announce that she’s deaf, and it was a really nice moment. A highlight of the ep.

7. Dami

Right, so let’s get this straight. Dami has a birthmark shaped like a heart on his penis, which he calls his “lovestick”. He also shows it to people who ask? Well, I’m asking. Let’s see it. For science.

Showed a lot of promise to be an absolute character this season, even if he seems to be big empty head and just vibes. Love it, and love his accent. NOW SHOW US THE BIRTHMARK. On national television. 

6. Paige

Two words: MAFIA BOOKS.

5. Liam

When we say himbo, we mean Liam. THEE himbo. He thought Elton John was “Elt and John”, a double act. “Like Ant and Dec,” he said. Let’s just sit with that for a good long while. Let’s really stew on it.

He also asked Gemma if her dressage horse lived in her house with her, a rather startling prospect to say the least. So, all in all, I’m obsessed with him.

4. Amber

During Pride Month, this LGBTQueen snogged Tasha and said “Why not?” when the boys said “you can’t do that” and had faces of children trying to solve a maths problem… That’s an icon, right there.

 3. Indiyah

Just immaculate vibes, really. I want to be her mate so badly. She was at the top of my Love Island pre-season ranking prediction and give her a few more iconic moments following that first episode and I’m convinced it’s where she’ll be back to. Hair sent straight from the hair gods. I need her to find her man and win. I need it.

2. Davide

DID SOMEONE ORDER AN ITALIAN SNACK? I certainly did. Love that he entered the villa like it was the Werk Room of RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s honestly up there in terms of fresh hell as when Rachel walked in saying “Eyes on the prize, boys” and then left barely 10 days later. Except there’s no way this HUNK is leaving that early.

Everyone’s jaws dropped. Mine hasn’t actually recovered yet. Everyone fancies him. The lads fancy him. Changed the whole villa dynamic and will do for the whole season. That’s what it’s all about, girlies!

1. Gemma

Caused chaos from the moment she walked in. Dying to tell everyone why she knows so much about football but hasn’t yet. Just INSTANTLY the talking point of the season – whether she’s being aggy with Liam or telling Luca that the surname Bish is shite, the cameras love her and the drama will follow!

I don’t care that she’s rude, honestly. Give this season some spice, Gemma! It’s going to bloody need it.

Love Island, starring everyone on this first episode ranking, continues tonight on ITV2. For all the latest Love Island 2022 news and gossip, a first look at each episode, and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook. 

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