I was in an openly queer relationship at secondary school, here’s what it was like

Yes, there was a lot of crying and kissing in empty classrooms


Heartstopper has pulled at the heartstrings of queer people from all over the world, but especially those of us who have been out and in a relationship during our secondary school years. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since we were sixteen, so we faced a lot of similar challenges to Charlie, Nick, Tara, and Darcy. We also went to split-sex school meaning girls were kept in one part of the building and boys were in another. So a lot of gendered problems with being in a queer relationship were heightened in the same way. Here’s what it was actually like being in an openly queer relationship during my secondary school years.

I felt like other students looked at me differently

me and my girlfriend

One of the things that hit far too close to home when watching Heartstopper was the way it showed the differences between homophobia aimed at girls and boys. As a woman, I have never really felt like I was in physical danger due to my sexuality, but I knew that this was not the case for boys. Homophobia for me was similar to the experience of Heartstopper’s Tara and Darcy – there was a lot of passive aggression and very little was said directly to my face. During my time at school there was an oppressive atmosphere and I always felt as though people looked at me differently.

I would stare at the floor when getting changed for PE

I wasn’t the first person in my year to come out as gay, so what I went through was fairly similar to Tara in Heartstopper. I remember what happened to the first girl who came out in Year 8, and I would be lying if I said that the way she was treated didn’t fill me with a lot of fear and dread about coming out. Hearing the way people at my school used to degrade everything about her character made me terrified of how I would be treated. In a similar manner to Charlie Spring, she was ‘the lesbian’, since she was the first one to come out it completely defined who she was.

via Netflix

The changing room was a site of trauma but also I think Heartstopper handled it really well. Thankfully I was never accused of anything, the possibility of it petrified me. Every single time PE rolled around, I’d stare at the floor and would get out of the changing rooms as soon as possible. The girl who came out as queer before me was accused of peaking and people would say they didn’t want to me near her – it was bad.

I had a queer teacher who was always in my corner

Heartstopper didn’t really have any focus on the actions and attitudes of the teachers. Like Charlie, I had one queer teacher who was in my corner all the time but that is where similarities ended for me.

My girlfriend and I kept getting unfairly targeted by rules against public displays of affection. Even if we were just holding hands or sitting close together – things straight friends did with no problems. Once on a school trip, my girlfriend and I were told to “not make everyone else uncomfortable” for being sat too close together, while a blizzard had forced everyone to be sat next to each other under blankets.

I felt like teachers didn’t want to do anything to help LGBTQ+ students

via Netflix

Homophobia and transphobia becoming a political issue meant if teachers did try to help me then they’d be taking a side when we all know teachers are supposed to be impartial. Despite trying to appear more inclusive of LGBTQ+ students, it did seem like many teachers were reluctant to do anything to make our lives easier as a result.

Heartstopper doesn’t really mention politics at all, which feels a little odd at times. Particularly in regards to Elle, who would have been likely impacted by most current events. In the 2010s, LGBTQ+ rights were often being debated in schools. I remember having to passionately defend my own civil rights during a GCSE RE class. Watching Heartstopper was weird as it was a group of apolitical queer teenagers.

Watching Heartstopper gave me hope

my girlfriend and I at prom

Despite all of this, I believe the slightly rose-tinted glasses of Heartstopper are largely positive. Queer stories are often ending in tragedy or heartbreak, so to see a group of teenagers have an easier time of it genuinely warmed my heart, and have me a little bit of hope for the next generation of queer kids coming through schools.

Heartstopper is available on Netflix now. For all the latest Netflix news, drops, quizzes and memes like The Holy Church of Netflix on Facebook. 

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