I was relentlessly attacked by One Direction fans in 2022 and lived to tell the tale

Last week, I ranked the members of One Direction. Quite naively I guess, but mostly positively. I’ve spent the last seven days of my life being attacked by fans of One Direction, a band that’s been extinct since 2016. I’m still alive to tell the tale. Barely.

I can’t even remember now why I chose last Monday to have my name marked, but the mood just took me to rank One Direction. I think Harry might have announced his new album, so it felt topical. No – actually – I remember. It was because of Liam Payne’s disastrous interview on the Oscars red carpet, where he was contributing a rambling two pennyworth on the Will Smith X Chris Rock altercation. It made me remember how much of a tit that man was and why he was always my least fave member of One Direction, even in the days when posters of the five lads inexplicably graced my bedroom walls.

Despite writing predominantly positive things about three of the band, my distaste for Louis and Liam has had me crucified on my social media. Even nearly six years after One Direction ceased to exist – their fans are still solidifying themselves proudly as the most deranged faction on the internet. Let me show you.

Aggressive beginnings from Bollywood Masala Chai

It started with Bollywood Masala Chai – a main character of this saga. The final boss. If I’m an Avenger, Bollywood Masala Chai is my Thanos. Not only was I besieged by this message, hereby officially naming me as a “gay little writer boy” despite the fact I’m pushing 26-years-old, I got a grid post too.

To be fair, Bollywood Masala Chai was so real for the points on my name. Harrison Brocklehurst is a proper gob full and a stupid name indeed.

The abuse rolled in

Shutting my mouth is a big theme that crops up a lot in everything I’ve received from One Direction fans, and although it’s not something I’m going to particularly take on board, perhaps it ought to be. I like how these two above take different approaches to hammer home the same message. One wishes to cause me petty misery and the other just wants me to put a sock in it. Fair!

Much to unpack as the One Direction fans progressed to the comment section of my Instagram – my coveted Charli XCX meet and greet picture soiled with abuse! Highlights include Louis Tomlinson being declared “one of the finest song writers out there”, whatever that means. Out where, may I ask? Also got told I’m both old and look like shit, which was a very humbling way to continue my week.

I slowly began to descend into madness

What’s extremely wild to me about the unrelenting waves of messages I received was how many people weren’t arsed about sending me this stuff from their main Instagram accounts. Are you not embarrassed, girlies? You’re not on the Directioner pay roll! I’d have an interesting career as a features writer if I decided to keep all my opinions to myself. A lot of blank pages getting published I fear.

The purr tipped me over the bastard edge.

Spine theft

My invertebrate era begins! The theft of my spine is honestly something I don’t really want to be present for, but since “I get no bitches” despite being out as gay for the last 12 years what the hell else do I have to live for!? Just rip it out, chick.

The return of Bollywood Masala Chai

Here we are guys, the peak of One Direction fans unhinged behaviour! And quite honestly, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. The way they’ve hunted down a wig I bought to dress up as Buffy for Halloween in is just the icing on the cake. I was going for Buffy but my friend said it was more Jill Biden. Anyway.

Special shoutout to the comments below, in which I was reported to Google!

How is this still going on in 2022, may I ask?

I can take things this ridiculous on the chin, even if it is completely bizarre. But can everyone? Hard to say. The One Direction fans don’t care if you can take it either way. They don’t care if their actions would be condemned by Louis, Harry, Niall, Zayn and Liam – they move en mass and without hesitation. They say they don’t care if you like the boys or not as long as you don’t share your opinion. How else would they know if people liked them or not if no one shared the opinion? It is truly wild – and there is no way to win.

Although, I do feel like a winner. I’ve had a week of laughs, a week of engagement. And I’d do it again! Fandoms want to silence opinions when all they’re obsessed with is sharing their own. Play with them at your own risk – but we should be able to talk a bit of shit about Liam Payne’s accent and Louis Tomlinson’s songwriting without the threat of having your spine ripped out by a vicious child on the internet.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Even though we’re all adults take this quiz to see which 1D boy you’d end up with

• We asked ex-Directioners the lamest thing they did when obsessed with 1D

• This is how much all the One Direction boys are worth now, from most to least minted