A considered ranking of all five members of One Direction

In hindsight, my mum should probably have worked out I was gay when I had a huge A2 poster of One Direction hanging from my wardrobe door in 201o. Like, I’m not sure why she reacted in blindsided shock. The signs were signing, Carol. I was a Directioner to my core in the X Factor days and thereafter – a fact that amuses many these days since it’s quite off brand when in 2022 I can count the male artists I listen to on about three fingers. My surname is Brocklehurst and my old Twitter handle was @brocklestyles – so make of that what you will when pondering what I was like at 14. Everyone has a favourite member of One Direction, but this ranked order of the members is the definitive one, I promise you.

I’m taking it all into account here, whilst at the same time being completely petty. So take it with a pinch of salt whilst simultaneously knowing I’m being deadly serious. All things will be coming into play: Vocals, solo music, sexiness and, most crucially, vibes. So, without further ado – here are all five members of One Direction ranked from worst to best.

5. Liam Payne

The way that Liam Payne is so conventionally gorgeous but manages to be the least sexy man to walk this earth should be studied in universities. We need dissertations explaining it, because it’s such a bizarre phenomenon. Every word he says just makes his sex appeal drop a little bit more into the depths of rock bottom hell. He’s the Alan Partridge of pop. Blunder after blunder, cringe song after cringe song. Accents inexplicably changing to a hybrid of Wolverhampton, American, Irish and Indian as he weighs in on an Oscars scrap whilst no one even knows what he’s doing at the Oscars anyway.

Liam Payne has just always been an absolute ick, and not even his pretty decent vocals can save him from that fate. His status as the oldest member of One Direction perhaps signed his fate from the beginning (Edit: I literally have lived my whole life thinking he was the oldest member and now I’ve learned he’s NOT? What on earth? I’m shaking). I’d love to know the thought process behind him singing Michael Bublé Cry Me A River for his first audition in a pop competition. It’s giving crooner! Also he then made one of the worst pop albums ever, that got dragged to the high heavens for its lyrical content that some people found downright offensive. I’m sorry to say that I do listen to Bedroom Floor in private. Don’t tell anyone.

4. Louis Tomlinson

The way that Louis Tomlinson tries to fashion himself as this MADFERIT, R kid one-man Oasis makes my toes curl in shame. You’re from Doncaster, sunshine. Bring back the days when he walked about in braces and red chinos looking like he was about to do a shift in the First Dates restaurant. Louis’ vibes are just a bit off for me. I don’t think we’d be mates, and we would never be lovers. His music is terrible. His VOCALS are… dismal. I think a lot about his first audition, in which he warbles his way through an off-key rendition of Hey There Delilah and ponder on how this man managed to sneak his way into one of the biggest bands of all time.

3. Zayn Malik

I do like Zayn, but I think he would just hate me. I think he’d find me really annoying. He’s too cool for me. He’s just above it all. Funny, gorgeous and with a mysterious smoulder to him that is truly irresistible. Okay wait, hold up. Vibe shift. I’ve just had a scroll through Zayn’s Instagram to see what he’s up to, and I’m quite shocked that his Instagram is… cringe? The vibe is giving 2014? I’m shocked at this. Also he’s done multiple sponsored adverts for some weird mobile Harry Potter game where he’s posting his avatar in a Gryffindor Hogwarts uniform. I have got the ICK.

Special mention here though goes to PILLOWTALK, which is potentially the best song that any of the members of One Direction have ever done. It’s pop music of the highest order. Absolutely wowing.

2. Niall Horan

Aw, Niall. The vibes are immaculate. I couldn’t honestly attempt to hum a single song he’s every released even though I’ve definitely heard them in passing numerous times, but I don’t care. He’s just a good egg, isn’t he? Adorable. His Irish charms have me like putty in his hands. And he’s a laugh. I just love him.

To remind myself how much I like him I just watched him answer some Googled questions about himself on YouTube and it was outrageously endearing and genuinely funny. I wish him so well.

1. Harry Styles

I mean, it was in the bag for our Haz, wasn’t it? 14-year-old me would be made up that I’m still getting him ranked as my top out of the One Direction members, but there’s absolutely no question that he deserves it. Harry Styles kind of did the impossible – evolved from a cheesy boyband member to an alternative pop artist who quickly got critical acclaim, commercial success and respect from the industry. An ally for the ages, willing to wear whatever the hell he wants and probably the most talked about name in the male fashion industry. King shit.

Couple all that with the fact he’s also a well received actor in huge films in which he’s garnered further acclaim and you’ve got a recipe for not just the best member of One Direction, but arguably the greatest boy band member of all time.

Have your say and vote below!

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