Nine stupid moments from Texas Chainsaw Massacre that confirm Leatherface is the hero

The Netflix requel / reboot Texas Chainsaw Massacre is probably the most stupid film of 2022 so far – in the words of our lord and saviour Bimini Bon Boulash, that’s not a joke, just a fact. It’s a film that delivers on the bloody promise of its title, but at what cost? The cost of likeable characters, the cost of a decent story and the cost of my sanity when watching it. The original film, Tobe Hooper’s 1974 The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is a seminal and groundbreaking masterpiece that changed the horror genre forever, and despite its name it was a relatively bloodless affair. But seeped in terror at all turns. The 2022 Netflix Texas Chainsaw Massacre abandons terror for gore, abandons logic for idiocy and loses its soul in the process. Here are the stupid moments in Texas Chainsaw Massacre that really solidify Leatherface as the hero.

 1. Melody and Dante’s gentrifying plan

Okay, first of all, the entire motive of these characters that lead to the events of the film set them all up for disaster, and makes them deeply unlikeable from the off. Two annoying entrepreneurs on the cusp of millenial and gen-z decide they’re going to gentrify a dilapidated town to make it a haven for the young and the trendy. Um, okay? Flower walls and $12 sandwiches incoming! Are we meant to believe that young people would upsticks from the city and come here? Get the chainsaw, girls, I’ve had enough.

2. Ruth going in the ambulance

After Melody and Dante force an elderly woman out of her own home after mistakenly thinking they had the deeds, she collapses and goes off in an ambulance. Ruth, Dante’s nondescript girlfriend, says she’s going to go with them. The two have never spoke or met. She is nothing to this old woman. Why does she go? WHAT WAS THE REASON?

3. Lila befriending the gun-toting Richter

Okay, say you’ve been through something unthinkably traumatic like a school shooting, leaving you understandably with a serious fear of guns. What exactly would possess you to go and befriend the MAGA-tinged gun owning mechanic who is sending the most “leave me alone” vibes imaginable?

4. Sally Hardesty waiting 50 years for ‘revenge’

Sally Hardesty, the sole survivor of the original 1974 Texas Chain Saw Massacre, is apparently now a hardened Texas ranger out for vengeance on the hulking brute who killed her brother and her friends 48 years ago. But why’s she waited til now? Leatherface hasn’t gone anywhere! Very courteous of Sally to wait around for Netflix to make a new film before she rocks up for revenge.

5. The live streaming on the influencer party bus

In one of the most stupid moments in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and arguably its centrepiece and scene it will be most remembered for, Leatherface boards a party bus of around 20 annoying influencers and proceeds to chop his way through them all – but not before the entire film is ruined with a boomer perspective on millenials, as all the people on the bus pull their phones out en mass and start live-streaming. Because that’s what we do guys! “Try anything and your cancelled, bro”, one says, in the moment that takes a bad film to a stupid and unforgivable one.

God knows why this film went for the comedy approach when this series is rooted in real terror. STUPID.

6. The actual existence of party buses

Unforgivable in my opinion. Get chopping, Leatherface. Doing god’s work.

7. Sally surviving a chainsaw gutting through the abdomen

Leatherface quite literally hoiks up Sally with his weapon and guts her in the air and yet she still manages to lurch up fro a pile of bin bags to shoot him? What’s she made of may I ask? If she can withstand that she must have a nefarious superpower.

8. Sally’s advice to go back and confront Leatherface

Sally tells Lila and Melody to confront Leatherface and not run away because “he’ll haunt them forever” if they don’t. It’s dreadful advice that costs Melody her life. So, what now, Sally? He hasn’t haunted Sally her whole life because he doesn’t even remember who she is. Sally coming back to confront him has resulted in a failed attempt and her death, so why would I listen to her? RUN AWAY, GIRLS! Leatherface is the hero here because it’s a lesson in how to not be an idiot.

9. Leatherface surviving

Ending on the most stupid of the stupid moments in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, after getting smacked and slashed in the face with his own chainsaw and then sinking to the bottom of a pool of water, Leatherface somehow managed to emerge unscathed with enough energy to pull Melody out of the car and decapitate her. And whilst this is ridiculous, it does confirm him as the hero of it all since he’s likely to be the only character we’ll ever see in a sequel, if one is sadly greenlit.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is available on Netflix now. For all the latest Netflix news, drops, quizzes and memes like The Holy Church of Netflix on Facebook. 

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