‘I felt excluded from the LGBTQ+ community’: Young bi people on the impact of biphobia

‘A gay guy complained he was constantly surrounded by ‘fake gays”

2 years ago

Bisexual people are often ignored and forgotten about. Our sexuality is never taken seriously and I’m tired of it. Biphobia runs so deep in our community and can have a huge effect on our mental health. Josephine* is a bisexual woman and she says there have been times when men she was dating would make gross comments about her being bi. One of them even said he had “turned” her and another insinuated having a threesome with another woman. These are just a couple examples of what bisexual people have to to go through every day.

The Tab spoke to seven young people about their experiences with biphobia and how this has made an impact on their mental health to a point where it also takes a toll on their relationships, friends and dating life. Here’s what they had to say:

‘My sexuality made me overthink and stress’

Josephine* is a bisexual woman and she told The Tab a lot of the men she has dated in the past have often made gross jokes about her being bisexual. “The worst had to be a guy telling me to feel free to date women alongside him. He thought he was being open and I guess progressive but actually it made it clear he didn’t see same gender relationships as serious,” Josephine said.

Her experience of dating has made it seem like a minefield to her. She says her sexuality is just an important part of who she is but sometimes sees it easier to not bring it up. She told The Tab: “My sexuality makes me overthink and stress over something a straight or gay person wouldn’t have to consider.”

‘Being a bi man can be isolating because I doesn’t know any other openly bi men’

Danny is a 22-year-old bisexual man, he said his sexuality made dating difficult by having to present different versions of himself to men and women. “You’re straddling this grey area of masculinity with no road map and you’re hitting neither genders’ expectations,” Danny said. He described dating apps like Tinder and Hinge as “a microcosm of these nonsense societal conventions by making you overthink it even more.”

He said at times he can find it isolating because he “doesn’t know any other openly bi men which means it feels like there are more openly bi women than bi men.” He said he thinks this could be because bisexual women are often seen as attractive to the point where they are fetishied, “while bisexual men are seen as maybe less straight or less gay and in turn less attractive.”

These anxieties were exacerbated by feeling caught in the middle. “As a bi man, I feel that women might perceive me as not straight enough whereas men might see me as someone just looking to experiment, who is not that certain about their identity. Because to be a certain identity, to them, might be to pick a side.” He said in straight-male spaces he was “more conscious of performing a layer of masculinity”. But that he felt like he had to perform in queer spaces too – especially when attending with straight friends. “I often have the feeling of being watched, as if they’ve brought me here and suddenly been like: ‘Go on. Prove it.’ Again this is probably an idea that’s got little substance to it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to feel anxious about it.”

‘A gay guy complained he was constantly surrounded by ‘fake gays”

Nicole* is a bi woman and said she’s had her identity invalidated by both a girl she was dating and other LGBTQ+ friends. She said she’s been told she “wasn’t really gay or ‘gay enough'” and was once described by a gay male friend as a “fake gay”. She said this behaviour made her feel as though she had to “prove” herself or constantly “perform” her sexuality and that if she was with a man, her sexuality wouldn’t count somehow.

‘Biphobia has sent me back to the shell and tried not to think about me being bi at all’

Peter* identifies as a bisexual trans man and has experienced considerable biphobia from queer women before coming out as trans. He told The Tab this made him feel not “part of the LGBTQ+ community” and these feelings of exclusion didn’t help his “underlying mental health issues”. Peter said he felt rejected on every front and by everybody which he struggled with a lot. He said he felt depressed and anxious for the most part.

Peter thinks stereotyping bisexual people as indecisive or promisicous is hurtfel, especially if it comes from people who are part of the same community. He added: “It makes bi people internalise certain opinions about themselves and this may cause real damage to their mental health. At times Peter* found it hard to be a member of the LGBTQ+ community which made the experience of being bisexual even more difficult. Peter told us that biphobia from within the LGBT+ community was especially difficult because “we were supposed to be part of the same community”. He said he “felt excluded not only from everyone else but also from LGBTQ+ community, which has even has ‘bi’ in their name.”

‘It feels like people will think you’re fickle or that you were lying’

Lily is a bi woman who previously has identified as a lesbian – something she says caused “a lot of internalised judgement” because she “felt like I could be losing a large part of my identity”. This was made harder by queer female friends having “a feeling of ‘ew boys’ and ‘fuck men'” which has led to her being mocked for “low standards” in the men she dates.

This is impacting her current romantic relationships. She told The Tab: “I have this guy I like but I’m hesitating on dating him exclusively because I don’t want to give up dating women as – even though this isn’t at all true – it feels as though dating men makes me straight and because the other part of my identity isn’t part of my life it just disappears.” She said she was worried that having previously come out as lesbian means “people will think you’re fickle or that you were lying, especially since bi-ness is less accepted in some ways than homosexuality.”

‘Oh is this an experiment? You’re not really into girls’

Amelia has recently come out as non-binary and they said they experienced biphobia on a Tinder date with a lesbian. “As soon as she found out I was bi she said ‘Oh is this an experiment? You’re not really into girls.'” The experience made them “anxious and conscious and thinking that girls wouldn’t date me because I’m bi.” Thankfully, though, their current girlfriend “doesn’t care”. And when they came out to her as non-binary “she just said ‘sick, okay'”.

‘There’s too much of that sort of stuff around for you to get weighed down by it sadly’

Lauren*, a bi woman, told The Tab that biphobia was too pervasive to “get weighed down by it”. She said that she understood why it angered other bisexuals “cause it’s dodgy to have to defend yourself to others or have to learn how to cope with peoples reactions to yourself. I try not to let myself be bothered by it anyway, I’m much more comfortable in myself now than I have been in the past anyway, even if I’ve still got a long way to go, so it’s not even something I think about,” she said. “In that respect I don’t need other people’s views on my sexuality in order for it to be valid to me.”

The Tab’s LGBTQ+ history month reporting series is putting a focus on highlighting LGBTQ+ issues and celebrating queer voices across UK campuses.
If you or someone you know has been affected by this story you can contact Switchboard, the LGBTQ+ helpline, on 0300 330 0630 or visit their website. You can also find help through young people’s charity The Mix, and Galop, the LGBTQ+ anti-violence charity.

If you’ve got a story you’d like to tell us – whether it’s an incident of homophobia on campus, an experience you’d like to share, or anything you think we should hear, get in touch in confidence by emailing georgia@thetab.com.