Men obsessing over lesbian porn made it harder for me to call myself one

Men tried to ruin my sexuality before I even had a chance to embrace it myself

2 years ago

No one tells you how hard it is owning your identity after coming out. Don’t get me wrong, coming out was hands down the best decision I have ever made but my personal struggles didn’t get any easier straight away. Even though I came out over a year ago now it’s not until very recently that I started to own my identity as a lesbian, and that’s because men tried to ruined my sexuality for me before I even got any kind of chance to embrace it.

Men who watch lesbian porn are a big problem because most of them fail to realise it’s not made for male pleasure. I understand the porn industry in general is very male-dominated in both production and audience but it completely fetishises women loving women and makes it seem as though we exist purely for male gratification. In reality, straight men don’t understand anything about lesbians but for some reason they’re still deeply fascinated by us.

lesbian porn that's made for women not men 🤍🤍🤍

— ♡ (@moIestid) January 31, 2022

I’ve lost count the amount of times men have asked me how women have sex with one another. It’s like they cannot imagine real-life sex without a penis being involved and it both amazes and repulses them at the same time. It’s like watching too much lesbian porn has messed with how male brains are wired and now they have no real gauge of what it means to be a lesbian. Other queer women I know have been kissing their girlfriends in clubs and been interrupted by men asking if they can “get involved” or if they can watch – it’s fucking disgusting.

I know lesbians who have been told they haven’t found the right man yet and they’re not actually gay – if this was true then homosexuality wouldn’t be a thing. Nothing annoys me more than a man who denies the existence of a lesbian in real life only to then be lonely and horny in the evening and touch himself whilst watching two women kiss on his laptop screen.

As someone who now accepts themselves as a lesbian, I often think whether men would tolerate me less if they didn’t fetishise my sexuality. Lesbians should not have to clarify the fact our sexuality isn’t a man’s porn category. Straight men think as long as they watch lesbian porn then they simply can’t be homophobic but this just isn’t true.

The Tab’s LGBTQ+ history month reporting series is putting a focus on highlighting LGBTQ+ issues and celebrating queer voices across UK campuses.

If you or someone you know has been affected by this story you can contact Switchboard, the LGBTQ+ helpline, on 0300 330 0630 or visit their website. You can also find help through young people’s charity The Mix, and Galop, the LGBTQ+ anti-violence charity.

If you’ve got a story you’d like to tell us – whether it’s an incident of homophobia on campus, an experience you’d like to share, or anything you think we should hear, get in touch in confidence by emailing [email protected].

More Pride stories recommended by this writer:

• ‘Being queer isn’t a disease’: Young queer people on the rise of anti-LGBTQ+ attacks

• LGBTQ+ students report at least three homophobic hate incidents to their unis every month

• One in three LGBTQ+ students have experienced discrimination and queerphobia at uni

You can find all articles from The Tab’s Pride series here