A definitive ranking of what the Love Island boys would be like in bed

This year’s Love Island has seen a lot of sex under the covers. The couples are hitting every NVQ level and scoring goals every night, (that’s their clever sex code if you hadn’t worked it out by now). Though the girls could go on and on about how good their men are in bed, I think it’s safe to say they’re deep in a post sex haze and therefore don’t have the clarity to really tell us the reality of what it’s like to sleep with a Love Island boy. Let’s face it there’s no way all of these boys can be putting in top level shags every night.

And so we’ve taken it upon ourselves to rank the Love Island boys on what we’d imagine they’d be like in bed and of course who would be the best. This investigation can sadly not be tested out in person so we’re going off their general vibe and behaviour in the villa. And if the heart rate challenge is anything to go by it’s a pretty safe bet we know exactly who would be giving it to you so good your legs would be shaking all the way home.

These are what the Love Island boys would be like in bed ranked from never again to oh wow:

Brett – 2/10

I’m sorry to say it as he did not deserve the savage friend zoning by Priya but Brett would just be a wet blanket in bed. It’s gonna go down after your run whilst you’re cuddling up on the sofa. His way of making a move is to caress your hand and whisper what he thinks is a sexy line.

He’s so focused on making you feel comfortable and not wanting to move too fast that he’d be feeling you up over your clothes for so long that you’d lose all momentum. When you finally decide you’ve had enough of waiting around, you’ll go on top of him on the sofa. He’ll be incredibly excited but ultimately he’ll last a few minutes and you will definitely not come.

Once you’re home he’ll text you to say what a great time he had and you should definitely do it again, winky face and all.

Hugo – 3/10

Hugo may have come off as a gentleman at first, but this man played sport for three years in uni – he’s not going to rock your world and he doesn’t really care.

You’ll meet on a night out after he’s spotted you across the dance floor. His mates will either push him into you or he’ll come up behind you and start to dance. He’ll pull you in with a kiss and minimum chat and for some reason you’ll convince yourself he’s worth going home with. Naturally he’ll take you back to his, cause he has “training” in the morning. He will ask you zero questions about yourself, finger you for about a minute before putting it in, missionary position of course.

He’ll high five you after it’s done, won’t ask if you’ve come and then order you a Uber as he “can’t sleep in a bed with another person”.

Danny – 3/10

There’s just something about Danny that makes me think he’s an ass man. Doggy is his go to and he’ll always want to put it in behind despite you saying no.

He’s incredibly dominant and intense – you are being told what to do and that is the end of it. Despite his bravado he actually doesn’t last that long and he’ll give you an in-depth explanation of each of his tattoos after he’s finished. On your arse of course.

Jake – 4/10

As we saw from the heart rate challenge this man loves a show and the performance of sex. You’ll think he’s studied the Karma Sutra by the way he can reel off a number of positions you’ve never heard of. But his obsession with weird positions isn’t for your benefit, no, no it’s so he can show off to his mates the next day. However in reality it usually ends up with you on top.

And of course your feet are gonna be involved. Whether you like or not those toes are getting sucked.

Aaron – 4/10

Aaron likes to back himself and your flirting on Hinge will involve him proudly saying how much he likes going down on girls and how good he is at it.

He’ll take you to some boujie bar where the cocktails cost £12 and of course he’ll expect you to split the bill. Aaron will bring you back to his place that has actually clean sheets and some form of mood lighting. He’ll put his carefully designed sex playlist on and get to work – work being going down on you and actually you know what, he wasn’t lying he is good at it. Shame he pushes your head down to give him a blow job a few minutes in. Ah well it was nice whilst it lasted.

Liam – 5.5/10

I’m sure we’d all like to think because of his good looks Liam would be great in bed. However Liam is more of a set menu guy.

It’s not bad but you just know what you’re getting each time. Kissing, mutual foreplay, missionary and finish in doggy. You’re not writing to the group chat about him rocking your world, but you’re satisfied and you’ll happily go back for more.

Brad – 6/10

As we learned from his short stint on the show, Brad is a pretty self absorbed guy. He’s not great at the flirting or sexy talk but does know exactly how to kiss you, even if it is a bit washing machine like at times.

He doesn’t really believe in foreplay and just gets straight into. He spends a lot of time in the gym, so he’s got stamina which isn’t necessarily a good thing as no one wants to be jack hammered for 40 minutes straight.

Brad will let you stay over and loves a post sex snuggle, but just be sure not to wake his nan on your way out.

Chuggs – 6/10

Chuggs is a typical rugby boy. He’s big in every sense of the word and will throw you around the room. There’s no questioning who is in charge with Chuggs.

It’ll be great sex with a heavy focus on what he wants, but there is zero emotional connection despite it lasting quite a long time. He’ll be obsessed with finishing on your face. And you’ll happily let him.

Aaron – 6.5/10

You’ll know Aaron fancies you from the moment you step into the club, but he’s gonna make you work for his attention and that pretty much extends to the bedroom.

He’s pretty charming however and knows exactly how to compliment your body and what you do with it, which is a lot as he’s quite a chilled back guy and is more than happy for you to take over and get on top the entire time.

Toby – 6.5/10

Toby is like an excitable puppy, every bit of your body he sees he just gets more and more into it, which is obviously a great ego boost for you. His attention is constantly drawn in different directions. One minute he’s touching your boobs, the next he’s smacking your bum. He can’t make up his mind about what he wants to do but he surprisingly is pretty good at going down on you.

Sex with Toby would involve a lot of giggles and he’s breaking the bed not because he’s an amazing shag but because he gets too excited and jumps up and down when he makes you come.

Dale – 7/10

Dale has big dick energy despite being one of the shortest guys in the villa this year. He thinks he’s good in bed and loves to tease and tease you until you can’t take it anymore and are practically begging him.

The actual sex part is good but there’s no fireworks. He’ll try to choke you because he thinks it’s sexy and he definitely tries to act harder than he is, because after the sex is over he’s asking you to be the big spoon.

Matthew – 8/10

How Priya ever picked Brett over this tall Irish hunk of a man I will never understand. Being tall doesn’t necessarily translate to being good in bed, but in Matthew’s case it most definitely does.

He’s the most dominant in bed of the Love Island boys. He’s getting you to call him “daddy”, he’s handcuffing you to the bed and the way he rolls his “r”s just makes you know he’ll be talented with his tongue.

Tyler – 9/10

As the girls pointed out last night Tyler is heavily endowed and he would know exactly how to use it. He’s smooth, confident and occasionally a bit rough. He’s pushing you up against the wall and kissing your neck. He knows exactly where you to touch you and when. He’s strong enough to carry you whilst you’re fucking. He’ll take you to the shower and you’ll wonder if shower sex has ever been this good?

Tyler can go for hours and he loves a good session where you’re switching it up with your positions. He’s got good reset time and you’ll be raving to your mates about how much sex you had all night.

Teddy – 11/10

Just look at him, Teddy is easily the best in bed of all the Love Island boys. His quietly confident energy just exudes pure sexiness and you’ll be wanting to bang from the moment you step foot on the date. Of course you’re going on a date first – this is Teddy, he’s a gentleman.

There will be tonnes of eye contact, a causal foot graze and a stroke of your back that will make you want to jump his bones in the middle of the restaurant.

The sex will last just under an hour. He’ll make sure you come at least twice, he has the perfect rhythm and it will be the essential mix of rough and tender. Expect him to slap your arse but then look lovingly into your eyes. After you’ve both finished, he’ll get you a clean up towel and kiss your forehead. He’ll let you stay over, make you a coffee in the morning and you will leave wondering if life can ever get any better than this. And the answer is of course no.

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