I picked my Euro 2020 England squad exclusively using Drag Race UK queens
It’s coming home, via Bimini Bon Boulash
I have a hard time getting on board with the football. That’s just the way it’s always been for me. I come from a very footie focussed family, where Manchester City supremacy is so ingrained into our family DNA that our dog is named after Vincent Kompany. I always felt my lack of interest in the beautiful game meant my family liked me less, and try as I might to care about England in Euro 2020 or even during the World Cup, I just can’t make myself give a shite. But do you know what I do give a shite about? DRAG RACE.
When Bimini Bon Boulash wore that Norwich kit for their hometown look on the Drag Race UK runway, I was really moved by them reclaiming a culture that we often feel uneasy in from a queer perspective. There’s something about a football environment that makes me feel on edge as a gay person, and whilst I’m sure the footie world is much less scary now for gay people as it was when I was in high school navigating the sheer terror of the locker room, it’s still the culture and world I feel least confident in. It brings back nothing but bad memories. So I’m queering up the Euro squad, using the queens that make me feel the most comfortable and proud. This is who I’d have bringing it home for ENGERLAND if the players were Drag Race UK queens, and Drag Race UK queens alone.
Captain and Striker – Bimini Bon Boulash
Something about Bimini Bon Boulash just screams goal scorer to me. They might not have won Drag Race, but they’d be winning the bloody Euros.
Bimini’s iconic Norwich FC look would be the inspo for the entire squad’s kit. Everyone would be playing in thigh high latex boots but with studs on the soles. The perfect captain. Bimini supremacy!
Striker – Cheryl Hole
Cheryl might have been “ready for another week of me being mediocre”, but there’s no mediocrity to be found with our Chez when she’s scoring goals like no tomorrow for England on that Euro 2020 pitch. Cheryl is a high energy performer who can annihilate a lip-sync for your life, and I’m more than convinced she can transfer that stamina to booting a ball round the grass.
Left winger – A’Whora
Right, confession time, not got a clue what a left winger does. But A’Whora’s iconic outfit here looks a bit like she had wings so think she’d bring it home for us playing in this position. And that’s the kind of logic that wins us trophies!
Centre midfielder – Asttina Mandella
Despite my limited footie knowledge, I’m aware that it’s the job of centre mid players to generally dominate the pitch. Asttina has that in the BAG. Her legs are about as long as the pitch itself, so she’d be a force to be reckoned with. She was out too early on Drag Race UK but she would be in the finals of Euro 2o20 for England, end of.
Centre midfielder – Tia Kofi
Tia Kofi didn’t bring much to the runway of Drag Race UK, but what she did bring was good vibes and long legs – which I think would serve her well as one of the England team’s centre mids for Euro 2020. Her and Asttina would be a force to be reckoned with in the centre of that pitch and the other teams would be quaking at Baroness Basic’s formidable skills!!!
Right winger – Veronica Green
Okay, so. I’ve had a look at what a winger does in football since I embarrased myself with A’whora. But after my little bit of research, I’m convinced I’ve made the right choice putting her and Veronia Green as my wingers. Both versatile queens for a versatile position, and also both huge contenders to get to the final of the Drag Race and thus, inevitably, get England to the final of Euro 2020.
Veronica has winner energy, and I hope her return for Drag Race UK season three proves as such. Especially after her winning performance in my completely fictional Drag Race England team!
Left back – Joe Black
I won’t lie to you. I put Joe Black as a left back because it rhymed. That’s just how my mind works and I won’t apologise for that! But also I love that he looks like a balls flying at him in this windy look. Our queen of defence would be on fine form for England, as long as there’s not a H&M dress in sight.
Right back – Ginny Lemon
The combo of Joe Black and Ginny Lemon standing like old nanas at the back positions of the pitch is peak comedy to me – and I feel like Ginny would be an iconic defender for England in my drag team for Euro 2020. Would you dare take on a player pulling a facial expression like the one pictured above? I don’t think so!!!
Centre back – Baga Chipz
The self-proclaimed most famous woman in Britain would be an absolute essential on that pitch for England in Euro 2020, and that’s just a fact. Baga is one of the most well known Drag Race alumni because her manager works harder than the devil himself in ensuring she pops up on every reality show ever – so the general public would be behind her all the way as she defends the goal posts. Hopefully not wearing that metal scourer outfit and cutting her legs to shreds, because they’re a body part that’s quite vital for a game of footie.
Centre back – Divina De Campo
Red wig and a silver kit? I don’t think!!! Divina and Baga would be a great pair of runners up to flank the goalkeeper. Divina looks half ready to cheer on England in this picture so I’m very pleased to see she’s got into the spirit of things.
Goalie – The Vivienne
The Viv is in goals because she’s a brick shithouse. No balls are going past her. Nobody would dare. Hopefully she has on some massive outfit to help her bounce off any goals Tayce shoots at her when she’s striking for the Welsh drag queen team. The Vivienne is a natural born winner, and she’s a natural choice for goalkeeper after defending her winning streak to that crown back in Drag Race UK season one.
Somebody call Gareth Southgate up and let him know that he can send all the lads home tonight. I’ve got the winning England team for the Euro 2020 ready right here.