According to the Daily Mail these 39 things really offend our woke generation

I for one, find yoghurt extremely triggering


If there’s one word the older generations like to label us with it’s “woke”. From pointing out something is obviously misogynistic, arguing the school curriculum is archaic to saying we’re tired, they cannot wait to jump in and call us “woke”.

And now the Daily Mail, front leader of taking down our woke brigade, has compiled a complete A to Z of all things woke. From avocados to door bells to yoghurt, apparently we’re offended by absolutely everything. I’m surprised “breathing” wasn’t added to the list.

They claim we’re “woke” because we’re so “easily offended”, “over dramatic” and that we have no idea what the real world is “actually like”. And yet who is the one getting their knickers in a twist over gender neutral toilets? Not us.

For a group of people who don’t shut up about the war or how much they hate Meghan Markle, there’s an awful load of petty stuff we don’t like they get annoyed by.

This is everything that makes us woke according to the Daily Mail, I’m getting offended just thinking about it:

Avocados

Get it away from me now

According to the Daily Mail we don’t like avocados because they’re linked to human rights violations and it’s often very hard to find a perfectly ripe one. Because those two things are definitely on the same level.

The actual reason we’ve cancelled them is because they’re the reason we can’t afford to buy homes, not low salaries or rising house prices.

Apple Pie

If one A wasn’t enough the Daily Mail all think we’re terribly offended by apple pie because one person wrote an article stating apple pies have colonial and slave trade links.

I mean they’re probably not wrong, but all I think about when I see an apple pie is that scene from American Pie, which is enough to put me off them for life.

Breastfeeding

The reason behind this is that is should be called “chest feeding” and “nursing bras” are overtly sexist.

None of us are having kids and when we do, who actually gives a fuck what you call it?

Cooking

We really hate this

Apparently we all just depend on Deliveroo because appliances are oppressive. My toaster did actually say some pretty mean things to me last night, might go have a little cry.

Conversation

Did you guys not know that we don’t like to communicate IRL because we’re all mindfully breathing? Yeah this is the first I heard of it too.

Also I don’t think anyone has used IRL since the days of MSN.

Door Bells

Touching the door bell is just so gross because of all the germs and effort we have to put in according to the Daily Mail.

That’s why we text to say we’re outside and not because our mate never answers the door.

Diffidence

God there’s a lot of Ds that offend us, I’m surprised they didn’t put dicks in. This time it’s diffidence, which we apparently lack because we have no space for self-doubt.

That must be why so many of our friends are in therapy – they’re too confident.

Emails

Why is my inbox so full?

The whole Daily Mail piece is inspired by this one guy saying his company don’t like emails as they’re too “bossy”. And when you come to think of it they really are so oppressive.

Employers

We don’t like them because they’re oppressive bullies who pay our rent apparently.

Freedom of speech

Lord let’s not even start this one.

Father’s Day

The Daily Mail claims father and mother are “outdated gender constructs”. God they’re so ahead of their time.

If this means Father’s Day is cancelled can I get out of buying my dad a card, chocolate and socks this year?

Going the extra mile

We don’t put effort into anything as it invades our boundaries and not part of our skill set.

Bold of the Daily Mail to assume I have a skill set.

High heels

Apparently they’re the “modern-day equivalent of foot binding”, which is news to me. It’s not that we hate them it’s just they’re no way near as comfy or fun to look at as trainers.

History

Again this is just going to turn into an argument they won’t listen to.

Imposter Syndrome

This is something we are severely lacking. We just waltz straight into a job, thinking we’re the CEO and asking for a pay rise after a day.

I don’t know about you but I could be the head of a multi-national corporation and I’d still be questioning if I’m the right person for the job.

Jokes

Jokes are not a thing anymore as they offend every single person and therefore we live in an unfunny and overly cautious world according to the Daily Mail.

Maybe their jokes just aren’t very creative but have you ever thought of saying something funny that doesn’t upset someone else?

J.K. Rowling

She might have been our childhood hero but now she’s dead to us because she tweeted one thing about people menstruating.

Yeah that’s what it’s all about, that one tweet 🙄.

KitKat

As if I would eat this

The regular KitKat was just so passé, we needed it to be vegan because we can’t consume regular chocolate.

Ladies and Gents

Prepare yourself “L” is the most woke letter in the alphabet as there’s three whole things that offend our teeny tiny privileged brains.

The first is the signs on the toilets because they’re dictatorial and conformist obvs.

Lawnmowers

Apparently we don’t use lawnmowers because we don’t want animals to die. In reality none of us can afford places with gardens so a lawnmower is pretty futile.

Landlines

The only explanation they had for this one was the noise? Sorry have you heard our neighbour bothering parties? We don’t care about high noise levels.

Masculinity

Because it’s toxic of course.

Motherhood

We don’t like this word because it should be “parent who has given birth”. Which is actually correct, well done Daily Mail, you got one right.

Not taking the knee

Are we in Games of Thrones? The Daily Mail thinks we will force everyone to take the knee even if they have arthritis. The Queen will obviously be first because as you will see later we hate her too.

Office

Not the TV show but the actual place we go to work. Apparently that’s a thing we do?

The Daily Mail thinks we don’t want to go to an office unless it has a helter skelter. A great suggestion, I’ll send my boss a WhatsApp now as I hate emails.

Pronouns

Apparently the words “they” and “them” are a new addition to everyone’s vocabulary. And all the old people get them wrong, which makes us very angry.

Which is odd seeing as “they” dates back to 1375, the year most boomers seem to come from.

Punctuation

I don’t know what to say, we don’t like an ellipsis because it’s too much stress?

The Queen

via Steve Parsons/AP/Shutterstock

If you hadn’t heard none of us the like the Queen because a small group of students at Oxford wanted to get rid of her portrait.

Quinoa

The Daily Mail suggests we don’t consume quinoa anymore because it “abuses the indigenous population of the Andes” which is not only true, but it’s also expensive and a ball ache to make.

Reality

The writer of this piece uses the reality segment to say there is no one reality and they’re gender fluid. Congrats hun, we’re so happy for you.

Statues

Not a fan x

The Daily Mail has a real thing about statues, and so does our woke generation. They’re covered in bird shit, expensive and mainly pay tribute to questionable old white men.

But the real problem we have with them is how inadequate they make us feel about our own achievements.

The truth

Lol. We cannot stand this apparently unless it’s our own truth which is of course incredibly real.

Ugly

Because of the #bekind movement, “ugly” is now considered cancelled as everyone is beautiful. Remind me again why this is a bad thing?

Vaginas

I’m surprised the V wasn’t vegans, but I suppose it just says so much about our generation that a student at Abertay University was “cleared of misconduct charges after saying women have vaginas”. Honestly the field day we had with this one.

Work week

We don’t like any days of the week apart from Thursday because it’s the new Friday. That bit is correct tbf.

Xenophobia

I don’t really understand how we can be trolled for this. In my woke world not being prejudiced against people from another country is considered a good thing.

But what do I know? I don’t live in the real world.

Yesterday

Because we don’t like the past? Seriously who came up with this list?

Yoghurt

“Dairy is scary”. The most scary thing about this sentence is the lazy rhyme.

Zebra crossings

The last thing we cannot deal with is thanking drivers when we cross a zebra crossing because of the environmental impact.

But in actual fact it’s because we don’t like the appropriation of zebra print being used for transportation processes.

Featured image credit features photo of Queen Elizabeth II via Steve Parsons/AP/Shutterstock

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