This is what your Mario Kart character of choice says about you

If you choose Yoshi, you’re cheugy

3 years ago

You might think that choosing which animated cartoony character to drive round wackily themed and brightly coloured Mario Kart tracks as is an arbitrary decision.

Just a frivolous little choice that has no real bearing on anything. “Who cares!?”, I hear you cry.

The selection you make when you boot up your DS, your Wii or your Switch is more important than just the aesthetic choice you made to win on Rainbow Road. It’s a multilayered decision that tells the world everything they need to know about you as a person and whether they should steer clear of you at parties. Actually.

So whether you’re racing with your nan or competing against your man, this is what your Mario Kart character of choice says about you:

Mario

Bored shitless. You’re flavourless. No thought has gone into this choice. You saw his name on the box and said: “that’ll do.”. You order korma when you go for an Indian. You get plain ham sandwiches in your Tesco meal deal. You’ve only ever had cheese on your pizza because “it’s a classic”.

There’s literally FORTY ONE other choices that have more thought behind them. Choose another right now.

Luigi

Literally exactly the same as everything above except you’ve watched a few episodes of Peep Show and think you’re indie.

Peach

One for the girls and the gays. A bad bitch selection. The Elle Woods of racing. If you choose Peach, your favourite Britney Spears song is Womanizer. You live and breathe RuPaul’s Drag Race but probably couldn’t name a drag queen in your local gay bar. Love Island is the highlight of your year.

Daisy

The thinking man’s Princess Peach. You swap Britney and Gaga out for Lana Del Rey and Billie Eilish, and have a slight superiority complex because of it. Since you chose Daisy over Peach, you can rest easy knowing you have better taste in hairstyles.

Rosalina

The try hard choice. You think you’re quirky, don’t you? Ooo look at me, picking the newer, lesser known princess with the late 00s emo fringe. All style and no substance. You only drink coffee from independent establishments. But most certain of all: you always finish the race in 8th place.

Cat Peach

You’re either a child or a furry. Either way, please exit the discussion.

Yoshi

You wish you could drive a Fiat 500 when you play Mario Kart. Couldn’t be more mainstream if you tried. You live and breathe everything Tommy and Molly-Mae do. Weekends are filled with drinks at the Slug and Lettuce and taking pictures in doorways before nights out dressed head to toe in Boohoo.

Toad

The edgy girl’s Yoshi. You only drink oat milk. You thrive in charity shops. Tell me more about the feminist podcasts you love so much, I beg you.

Koopa Troopa

The Mario Kart equivalent of the Liberal Democrats. A centrist choice. You probably look a bit like Keir Starmer.

Shyguy

You’re sus. An unpredictable enigma. Please… stay away from me.

Toadette

You are the human embodiment of chaos. The tendrils that hang down from Toadette’s head are the same as her scalp, so does that mean she has three heads? Or does she just have entrails dangling from her head? If you pick her, I’m scared.

King Boo

A powerful and dominant choice. You’re a fun person to be round. You love the spooks with a hint of camp, because King Boo’s crown is definitely queer. Quite a rogue option but a good one. You leave this evaluation unscathed.

Any of the weird babies

There are five babies in Mario Kart, and all of them are stupid. These babies exist to fill the character roster up. If you pick these, you’re admitting you’re simply a background character. You are fodder. An extra in a TV show. Grow up!

Wario

The Mario Kart equivalent of Henry VIII. If you choose Wario, you’re probably a misogynistic PIG!

Waluigi

OoOoOo, think you’re an internet connoisseur, do you? Everyone knows Waluigi is the meme king of Mario and if you pick this you’re telling me you spend too long on Reddit, and too long on Mario Kart for that matter.

Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong’s face and mannerisms are unbearable, and if you choose him that tells me you don’t find him annoying. And what that tells me is that, in that case, you must be even more annoying than him.

Bowser

If you come onto Mario Kart and choose the aggressively villainous turtle that’s literally bursting out of his car then I’m sorry but you were a bully at school, I don’t make the rules.

Bowser Jr

Same as above, except you’re still in school and are currently living your life as a bully.

Dry Bones

Goth to the bone. Death metal blasts out of your room as you play Mario Kart, and your Mum has a go at you every day for not clearing out the empty cans of Monster that litter your bedroom floor. Get some fresh air, for all our sakes.

Wendy

Since Wendy’s based her entire style choices off a drag queen, you look camp right in the eye. Yas queen!

Link

You’ve come to Mario Kart and chose to play as Link from Legend of Zelda? Urgh, we get it, you game. Nerd!

Mii

… Who are you? I’m scared. You’ve come to play Mario Kart and you’ve chosen to play as a weird avatar character that vaguely resembles yourself. You’re either a narcissist, an AI bot or an alien who’s trying to blend in with humans by playing as one.