I sent a Google Form to everyone I’ve hooked up with and these are their honest reviews
Several left my form on read and one blocked me
You’re debating over whether to send that morning after text asking “so did you enjoy yourself last night?“, or maybe you stupidly didn’t bother to get their socials. But you just need to know, otherwise how are you gonna improve for next time?
Well being a STEM student I had to gather quantitive data, and put myself through messaging exes, one night stands and other people I would rather have not ever contacted for the rest of my life so I could finally find out, and to see if they would actually respond.
The form was a series of eight questions, ranging from how attractive they found my physical appearance and personality, to how they rated the experience, how kinky it was and whether they would consider a repeat.
The form itself took maybe 15 minutes to make, with the help of TikToks by people who had done the trend already. The challenge was gathering the balls to actually send it off. These were people I had ghosted, been ghosted by, had less than ideal endings with, or it was just plain awkward. In a moment of courage I hit send. Why the fuck did I just do that? I instantly regretted it, and muted my phone, chucked it away from me. But then I started to hear the dings of messages and my curiosity got the better of me.
I won’t lie, I was left on delivered/read by several, and blocked by one. But I did manage to get seven old flames to fill out their honest review of their time with me. So let’s meet the characters involved:
Sara* and Katie* were people I had met during nights out at Southampton Uni (QuadVods and Jesticles do wonders for your confidence)
Cassie* and Sam* are both friends of mine (I’m still friends with them, but who knows how I managed to not make it awkward afterwards)
Becky* and Kayleigh* are friends of my friends
And Molly* was a Tinder hook-up, the wonders of modern technology
The very useful thing about Google Forms is that not only could it record the answers, it also statistically broke down my embarrassment.
Here are the results:
Average – 7.3
Basically a seven out of 10, not bad. As we can see, there is a wide range of ratings, and there is an explanation – I had a huge glow up. It was only during my first year at uni that I started going to the gym and my beard finally connected.
Sam rated me a six out of ten; it was Freshers’ Week and I was still pudgy after the summer holidays, so a fair judgement.
Kayleigh, really, you could not think of any nice physical attribute? That kinda hurted me tho. In their defence I was in the middle of not shaving my beard for a month to raise money for charity. I did look like the Bollywood remake of Castaway.
Average – 7.3
A common factor in these result is that apparently I’m funny. I mean I guess the more you waffle the more chance you’ll blurt out something funny.
Sara was impressed by me ordering an Uber for her, who said chivalry was dead?
The overall experience:
Average – 6.3
To be fair, the lower scores are probably warranted. But hey, no one performs at their best after a couple of drinks.
Did they think anything was going to happen at first?
No, they did not.
I mean it’s probably because I never see it coming myself. The one yes was Molly, and that’s self-explanatory. It’s Tinder, we’re on there for the same reason.
How kinky was it, with 1 being vanilla and 10 being really kinky?
Average – 2.1
This is the one thing I am completely unashamed of, yeah I am very vanilla. My limit is dirty talk, and if that’s too vanilla for you, I respect whatever floats your boat, but I’mma continue living my own truth.
Would they ever consider a repeat, with 1 being ‘No, it was a mash and dash’, and 5 being ‘Yes, for sure’?
Average – 1.7
I guess I’m the sort of guy they hit and quit on. Wanting an explanation I asked them why, hoping to find an answer to why I am currently very single. Is it something wrong with me?
Katie’s reasoning for there being no repeat was that she “has a boyfriend now”, which is a fair explanation.
Cassie picked one because she “wasn’t really feeling it”.
I can answer for Sam, and it’s because we’re better off as friends.
With Molly it’s probably because I accidentally ignored her in the street one week later. (I really am sorry Molly, I swear I didn’t mean to.)
And me and Becky were just looking for different things out of life.
After hearing the comments my past hook ups and entanglements had for me, I’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t something majorly wrong with me. Maybe don’t drink before, so I can focus on the task at hand.
Regarding why I am still single, it just seems to be the nature of life, which is something none of us can control. Not everyone is looking for the same thing, whether it’s mash and dash or hit and commit, you’ve just gotta enjoy the ride.
Related articles recommended by this writer:
• I put all my exes in a group chat and watched all hell break loose
• I asked eight of my dating app matches why they ghost women. Here’s what they had to say
• I got bored in quarantine so I phoned all my exes and asked them what went wrong