All the moments in Sex and the City 2 that proved it was an actual crime against humanity

It was recently announced Sex and the City would be getting a reboot, sans Samantha, and it’s been all the internet has talked about for a week since. But much like when you message someone you haven’t messaged for a while on Facebook and are met with an incredibly cringy past conversation from 2014 above your new messages, the Sex and the City reboot conjures memories of what came before it. Most recently, that was Sex and the City 2, the second movie.

This movie is, without a doubt, a full-blown crime against humanity. It is a mess. It is more than a mess, actually, it’s offensive and unfunny and actually pretty unstylish for a SATC iteration and it makes my eyes hurt. The two and a half hours this film runs for are filled with bad jokes about burkas, straight people nonsense, and even worse outfits. I recently rewatched it because, I thought “why not, SATC 1 (the first movie) was decent, right?” Jesus how wrong I was. SATC2 is nowhere near SATC1. If the first movie is a Vivienne Westwood wedding dress, this film is a Primark funeral suit and you forgot the trousers. It’s bad.

I know there are other people that know this. There must be other people that watched this film and thought, over and over again, “how was this allowed to happen?”. How did SJP and the gang say these lines without gagging and WHY did they not feel like it was crossing a line at the flashing ankle scene? Please. Suffer with me. These are all the most horrific moments of the second Sex and the City movie. Get in girls, we’re going wincing.

The fucking Irish nanny tits gag

Making this character Irish just so they could play that jaunty music in the background when she runs with her tits bouncing about should be a violation of the Good Friday Agreement.

I also feel incredibly sorry for the actress asked to play this part, which was probably written on the casting sheet as “Tits: Will Come Up With Name Later”.

The 80s throwbacks that try to be @everyoutfitinsatc and fail

Spare me!

Samantha’s weird anti-aging supplement obsession

Just genuinely not a funny storyline and cruel to pretend that Kim Cattrall would need any of those supplements anyway, she is timeless. (And clearly has access to the fountain of youth already so she doesn’t need them.)

Big and Carrie being ‘domesticated’

The main catalyst for drama in SATC2 is Big and Carrie fighting over a television. A television! Someone call HBO, the straights have taken over my Sex and the City.

When Big says ‘the market fell 100 points’ like I’m supposed to know what that means

Does he know who watches these films? Shut up about numbers, mathematician man!

When Carrie wears this tartan monstrosity

You’re not a mum showing up to sports day after a trip to ASDA you are Carrie Bradshaw so WHAT IS THIS?

Miranda continuously butchering Arabic

Not only do we have to endure the jokes about her learning new words, but they aren’t even Arabic. She says that “haanjee” is yes in Arabic and it’s not, Aiwa is yes! Haan/haanjee is yes in Hindi.

The entire film continuously butchering Islam and the entire portrayal of the Middle East

“How do we tip in Abu Dhabi?” says Charlotte. “Have you got any loose rubies?” says Carrie, because of course, the Middle East hasn’t discovered money yet! It’s gonna be so great for them when they do x

Carrie also refers to this woman as “The Real Housewife of Abu Dhabi” which I’m sure she was absolutely fine with.

And oh God, don’t get me started on the niqabs and burkas

This film – and I hasten to say this – borders on worse than Boris Johnson in terms of offensive veil comments. It is UNRELENTING. Special highlights (or low lights) include: the gals wearing burkas as disguises to escape the souk market, only to FLASH AN ANKLE so they can hail a taxi (I’m dying here) and when they intently observe a woman eat a chip through her niqab. I’m sure that made her very comfortable.

Bonus points for the moment Carrie says, of the niqab, “I can’t get on board with the veil covering the mouth. It makes it feel like they don’t want them to have a voice” clearly unaware of the irony of her being a Westerner and speaking on behalf of a woman in a veil who she DIDN’T ASK THE OPINION OF.

THIS OUTFIT

A monstrosity of ginormous proportions. I know any film made in 2010 is at a bit of a fashion disadvantage but this is something else.

When Carrie CHEATS ON BIG WITH AIDAN

I just watched six seasons and one feature-length film of you trying to win this emotionally stunted man’s heart, only to cheat on him with your ex who you cheated on with Big! As much of a mouthful as it is a stupid plot point.

The most painful karaoke scene you will ever watch

This is where the movie really starts to feel like a fever dream. And much like a fever dream, it makes me sweaty, uncomfortable and a bit nauseous.

When they get kicked out of Abu Dhabi because Samatha has sex in a public place

My head is literally in my hands. Free me of the memories of this film. Rename the new 2021 reboot “Sex and the City 2” and let’s write over it. I can’t go on any other way.

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