The ultimate ranking of Celebrations chocolates, from elite to vile
If your favourite isn’t Maltesers, you should be disappointed in yourself
Celebrations chocolates are the pinnacle of Christmastime. For some reason, which I have absolutely nothing against, getting the box of Celebrations in is actually more of a sign that its the festive season than cold weather, advent calendars or crying to Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now like Emma Thompson.
Whether it’s all the Malteser ones going first or everyone leaving a Bounty until last for that one strange person to say they love them and eat them all, everybody has a favourite Celebrations chocolate. But it is now time to put it into a ranking from best to worst because sooner or later the discourse at the family table is going to begin and you need something solid to back it up.
People need to recognise that this is the hierarchy 👌🏿 pic.twitter.com/IQovlNPrjj
— Great explosion murder god Laolu (@1laolu) December 23, 2016
There should be no shock that Maltesers comes first because it should be everybody’s favourite. With the crunch of the chocolate and the minimum amount in the box (cruel) you just know whoever is packaging them knows what’s up. I can’t even begin to remember the countless times everyone has swirled through the box of chocolates just in order to get the Maltesers one and I don’t blame them because I am that person.
It just makes sense for this to be everybody’s favourite, it has no flaws whatsoever.
Sure, it’s a bit dull because it is only plain chocolate but you can’t really go wrong with it in my opinion. Dunk it in some tea and you have the best thing since sliced bread. It’s so satisfying to bite into it and taste chocolatey goodness melt in your mouth, even if it’s a bit basic. If there is ever a reason you have never had a box of celebrations before and you’re ever in doubt as to what to try first, your safest bet is to go with a Galaxy.
Safe and comfortable.
3. Galaxy Caramel
Many people would think that this should be in second place but I humbly disagree. Caramel is good and all, but what if you’re in a rush and grab the chocolate and then are shocked by caramel melting in your mouth? You wouldn’t have that with the ordinary Galaxy chocolate that’s for sure. This may just be my affections for the OG Galaxy one coming through but I stand by it.
But it is still very nice to have and enjoy and sets apart from the rest. In comparison to the other chocolates in the tin, this is the only one with some extra flavour and adds a bit more p’zazz. Not more than the Malteser, obviously, but just enough to make it into the top three.
4. Milky Way
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the Milky Way bars, I’m not going to come for an innocent chocolate, but it just isn’t as good. Sometimes they even taste a bit like disappointment.
Unlike a Galaxy bar or a bag of Maltesers, you’re extremely unlikely to buy a Milky Way on its own, so I don’t like being forced to have this when my hand is grabbing around the last of the Celebrations.
You would never buy Mars in a meal deal. You just wouldn’t. Why? Because they’re not really that nice when you think of it. They’re a beta chocolate bar. An unfinished chocolate bar. This should be no one’s first choice.
A case could be made for the fact that they’re better than the bigger version they sell in shops and that’s how it should stay, but it still doesn’t warrant a higher ranking. Soz.
This is probably going to raise a few eyebrows but it’s time I finally say it. They are awful. Don’t get me wrong, I love the full-size version and will continue to do so until the end of time but there is just something about the Celebrations one that doesn’t feel right.
The goodness that comes from the biscuit of the chocolate is all squished into one and it just doesn’t feel right. People should enjoy the full extent of a Twix bar and you just can’t do that with the miniature version.
Nutty chocolates usually aren’t too bad, but there is just something about a Snickers that is so wrong and deserves to be left sitting alone in a box of Celebrations. There are some people who like Snickers and do us all a favour and hoover them all up when it’s time to throw the box away and they are the heroes of Christmas.
But those who eat it by choice and even go the extra mile to have the full-size version, I can’t even bring myself to look at you.
I think collectively as a nation we can all agree how awful these chocolates are. But yet there is always someone who voluntarily eats them, for a reason that I am equally appalled by and do not understand.
The coconut bits that just move around your tongue are the exact opposite of a tasty treat, it’s like eating off milk. No one deserves to go through that on Christmas.
Just a reminder that bounty is still the worst chocolate
— SBRIMA (@sbrima24) December 6, 2020