Introducing: The Zoom lecture drinking game

The majority of university students love to drink. Any excuse to crack open a can – we will do it. In fact, I think it’s fair to say we don’t even need a proper excuse. Want to watch Bake Off? Sweet, take a sip every time there’s a potential Ofcom complaint. Feel like you’re in need of listening to Ariana’s new album? I think a nice cold can of pre-made Woo Woo would be perfect for that. Sick of listening to your lecture? Keep reading, my friend, I am here to save you.

Zoom University sucks, it’s so hard to stay focused and not zone out. Give yourself some credit, you’re a student just trying to get through a global pandemic. Thanks to all the free time I have on my hands as a result of having six hours online a week, I was able to create a dangerously stunning Zoom lecture drinking game. It is essentially drinking every time one of these things happen in your online lecture. Let me lay out the rules for my pièce de résistance.

Sink your drink if the lecturer starts the class late

It’s safe to say I went into this feeling confident. I genuinely thought my bloodstream had some self restraint and it wouldn’t let the alcohol swag on through my veins – I was so wrong. The one time I didn’t want my lecturer to be late and they were. Next thing you know, I’ve had entire can of Woo Woo and we aren’t even one minute in to the Zoom lecture drinking game.

I’d recommend doing this with another housemate because it’s incredibly fun and feels a bit more pre-drinky and less drinky-on-your-owny.

One sip for every camera that is off

You’re in luck if, like me, you have small lectures. In a Zoom call of 18, only seven had their cameras off. It sounds like a lot – it was a lot. And in hindsight, everyone probably thought I was so weird when I swung my neck back seven times to take a big sip from my Tracy Beaker mug.

One sip every time someone mentions lockdown

Lockdown was mentioned five times throughout the lecture. I think the drinking helped me not feel so stressed about it. This game proves its effectiveness yet again.

Sip once for every person who joins after ten past

I put this one in and I thought, surely no one is going to be ballsy enough to join 10 minutes late. It gets to a certain point of lateness where you just don’t show up. But low and behold, two people joined late and I found myself cracking open a can of Carling.

Three sips every time your lecture shares their screen to something you can access

This is also a massive pet peeve. The thought behind it is nice but if you’re going to share a Google Doc and then also share your screen showing that Google Doc, I will throw my laptop out the window. This happened once and instead of throwing my laptop, I drank three times.

I can’t justify why it annoys me. Maybe doing two months of Zoom University and having hours of Zoom quizzes under my belt has finally started to take its toll.

Four sips for every cat that comes on the screen

Has anyone started a petition banning cats or household pets from joining Zoom calls? If so, please share the link with me. I don’t want to see your fury friends because it’ll cost me four massive fuck off sips during the Zoom lecture drinking game.

Five sips when someone speaks over someone else

Now this is a classic example of Zoom etiquette. It’s painful to watch because it’s so awkward. It’s like, oh who- are. No, no. You go- Oh, you’re on mute now. The only way you can recover from watching this unfold is by consuming five sips of your drink of choice. Bottoms up.

Two sips when someone speaks whilst on mute

I had eight sips here. Clearly I’m surrounded by people who cannot use Zoom, it’s actually so hard to watch. What makes it worse is that four of those sips were off my own back because we went into breakout rooms and I was unable to coordinate what was going on. At this point, I had opened my second can of Carling and it was only getting worse.

Are they wearing a headset? Drink six

Those headsets with a microphone attached, you know the ones I mean – the one’s gamers or hardcore work-from-homers wear. They are class. I had six sips here, one person was wearing the headset and let me tell you now, their microphone quality was the best by far. Going to make some investments.

People start to dip before the class fully ends? Drink four

This was me, I did this. I dipped and to make sure it was fair I finished my can off. Good vibes.

The outcome

Honestly, this experience was incredible. It’ll only work successfully if you drink out of a mug, because obviously drinking out a glass will reveal your secrets. I think it’s best to do the Zoom lecture drinking game on your least important lecture because I didn’t make a single note and I cannot remember anything that was said. What I do remember, however, is being very chatty and asking every single person I knew if they wanted to go to the pub.

I genuinely believe I revolutionised online learning and this is the ticket to get me through third year.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Eight sneaky ways you can dip out of your Zoom classes mid-call when you’ve had enough

• ‘We were all silent for 45 minutes’: Students share their worst breakout room stories

• Here are the 15 types of people you’ll encounter during your Zoom seminar this term