Sorry, but why do men only post these 41 things on their Instagram stories?
No one wants to see the driving range or your Spotify playlist
It’s just a fact of life – women are better at Instagram. We have aesthetic grids, highlights saved of every year and witty captions. And whilst boys may take the piss out of our Insta stories when we clink our glasses at a bottomless brunch, this is in fact because they are jealous they are beyond inadequate at making their Instagram stories look good.
Do you remember the last time you watched a boy’s Instagram story and genuinely thought it was interesting/fit/informative? Nope, me neither, that is because whilst we’re out here sharing fire selfies, funny videos from nights out and resources to support communities, straight boys are sharing the most dead ass content there is.
I’m talking a video of their mate hitting a ball at the driving range, the fish they caught, their bland meals and the song they’re listening to. Sorry but when did I ask? No one is interested in seeing your team’s highlight reel of the match.
It’s not that they just post boring content that I’m not interested in, it’s that’s they don’t it well and put any effort to make it look half decent. Cool you’re putting up a sunset pic or a landscape photo, but have you ever thought about a caption or a filter? You know something other than your usual “could be worse”? Just a thought.
Anyway these are the only 41 things you will ever be unfortunate to see on a straight man’s Instagram story:
1. The driving range.
2. Their watch whilst holding the steering wheel.
3. Holding up a fish they just caught and captioning it “catch of the day”.
4. Their music on SoundCloud.
5. If they’re a DJ, their decks.
6. Screenshots of their Spotify Wrapped that just includes Post Malone and Juicewrld.
7. Their playlist on Spotify.
8. Just a screenshot of what they’re listening to as if anyone cares.
9. Videos of every single rep they did at the gym that includes the weight they benched.
10.Their sweaty post-workout sweaty at the gym selfie.
11. Their post-workout protein heavy meal.
12. Videos of them driving in selfie mode, when they should be you know, driving.
13. When they get a hair cut and caption it “fresh trim”.
14. Boxing videos.
15. New trainers sitting on or in the new box.
16. Videos of their video games, no one wants to see Fifa.
17. A repost of the match line up of their team for that afternoon’s game.
18. A video of someone scoring a goal in football that only the people who support that team are interested in and therefore already watching.
19. Sharing the game highlights when their team wins.
20. Something to do with that dodgy trading scheme they’re involved in.
21. Surprisingly a wholesome sunset.
22. A Boomerang of them clinking drinks with their mate with the caption “we doing it right girlies?”.
23. Their legs and shoes.
24. Selfies with their mates from the same angle your mum uses to take selfies because they don’t know how to take photos.
25. Reposting someone’s bday Insta story for them and adding nothing.
26. A landscape photo but it will be tiny and be black around the sides, and just have the location tag.
27. All photos have one of three captions – “Don’t mind if I do”, “not bad” or “could be worse”.
28. Posting an old pic without removing the date that Insta gives you.
29. Using the dancing man emoji every time there’s LED lights and smoke machines.
30. Every time they get a crate of Corona, they make *that* obvious pun.
31. Their drunk mate at a club with the caption “bottle job”.
32. A basic ass picture of the meal they made, that’s just plain with no caption – it’s usually plain chicken and rice.
33. Videos of their mates dancing with girls and captioning it “my guy”.
34. And then the inevitable video of when their mate pulls and they’re all shouting in the background.
35. Lionel Messi with the goat emoji.
36. A really quick 0.3 seconds video of them at the pub with their mates.
37. A table with a tray of shots or Jägerbombs.
38. Just waiting for the train and a shot of their legs.
39. No pics of their girlfriend.
40. And if he does they are always the ones where she looks her worse.
41. Shamelessly using young siblings or cousins for pics because they think it makes them more attractive.