Eight sneaky ways you can dip out of your Zoom classes mid-call when you’ve had enough

Don’t you just hate it when your flatmate passes out during your lecture?

Students right now have it incredibly hard for many reasons. For months, we have been blamed for the second spike. The government are considering not letting us go home for Christmas. Our universities practically forced us to come back despite being aware of how bad things could get. Halloween is on a Saturday this year and pubs will be shut at 10pm. But the main reason why we have it so hard comes as a result of the painful, I’d-rather-sit-and-watch-paint-dry Zoom lectures.

Online university genuinely sucks the living life and soul out of me. Before coronavirus hit and we went to classes in person, getting out of going was so simple. It was an easy email and pathetic excuse. However, now we can literally learn from our bed so there isn’t an excuse for not showing up. Your lecturer won’t give a hoot if you had a heavy night in with your five mates getting blackout in your front room. They’ll expect your laptop to be on and for you to be present. But I am here with some top notch ready-made excuses that you can keep up your sleeve for when you truly cannot be arsed to listen to your lecture anymore.

Sorr. Can’t hea- tHa. Well.

Now you know exactly how that is meant to be read. This is a cult classic. Arguably your best bet too, granted you don’t laugh and mess it up. It’s honestly quite believable because everyone knows student Wi-Fi is temperamental at the best of times. Maybe also have your camera on but have it covered, adds to the dramatic effect.

The advice I’d give is practice, practice and practice.

Act like your housemate has fainted

Okay, some of these are more drastic than others but trust me, this one is only to be used in the worst of scenarios. For example, you’re in a breakout room, no one is speaking and your lecturer dips in to hear what you’ve all been talking about already.

Fake it that your laptop has died or crashed

This one works if you fancy either ending the lecture early or if you need to give yourself  a 10 minute break. Just sit still for 20 seconds and then, without anyone noticing, slowly move your mouse to the leave call button. You have no obligation to be there other than paying over nine grand and your attendance possibly counting toward your final grade.

‘FUCK! I just spilt coffee all over my key-‘

Make sure you do this around 10 minutes into the call and also make sure you’re seen with a cup of coffee. Even if you have to act like one of those really obnoxious students who have to hold onto their mug for the duration of the lecture. Keep yourself off mute as well so when the time is right you can deliver the award winning line.

Turn camera off, leave your lecture on and then head out

This one is self explanatory. Turn your camera off, mute the lecture and head back to bed. You deserve it – trust me.

Don’t be afraid to get artistic

This one is quite far fetched if I’m being honest. It requires you to be good at art which you will soon see, I am not. This works best if you do your classes from bed. What you want to do is set everything up normally but before you do anything crazy like turn your camera on – make sure you’re prepared.

Grab two post-it notes. The smaller they are, the better it will work. Draw one eye on each note and then slap them down on your eyelids. This will convince everyone in your lecture that you are awake because your ‘eyes’ will be open.

Play busy cafe sounds from YouTube in the background

Here is your golden ticket. A 10 hour long video of ‘restaurant ambience’. This will create the effect that you aren’t working from home, you are out and you’re boujee. But also people will expect your Wi-Fi to be poor so won’t be surprised if, by chance, you suddenly disappear off the call.

If you really want to add to the authenticity then whack on a face mask to wear, it’ll really make it look like you aren’t at home right now.

‘I have booked a coronavirus test’

Given the current climate, coronavirus tests are very important and, therefore, it’s very believable if you say you have one booked. Your lecturer can’t tell you that you can’t go to your test. This is an easy win but also you can use it once every two weeks so don’t go overboard.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• This is how to get out of all those Zoom calls without hurting anyone’s feelings

• It’s time someone said it: Zoom calls are exhausting and it’s time we should be done with them

• Here are the 15 types of people you’ll encounter during your Zoom seminar this term