In the name of science, I tasted the weirdest vodka shot chasers so you don’t have to

Being a student, knocking back a shot has become like a second nature to me. Sambuca, Tequila Rosé, Sourz (don’t mug it) and even the filthy yellow club tequila have all been neutralised by my palate. I can handle those just fine. The one shot, however, that my body just can’t seem the handle is the vodka shot. On a physical and emotional level, I cannot handle it. I was in desperate need of some assistance, so I googled the best chasers for a vodka shot and what I found was scary.

According to Google the best chasers are: Doritos, peanut butter, licking your arm, toothpaste and pickle juice. Yes you read that right – Pickle. Juice. In the name of science and students all across the UK, I took a trip to Sainsbury’s and purchased these items. (I am in possession of an arm so I saw no need to buy another).

First things first, I took a shot straight out the cap of the bottle and part of me died.

Doritos – Tangy Cheese edition 4/10

This really did make my expectations for this entire experiment just plummet. It wasn’t good at all. It was like the vodka went down my throat but the smell of it went down and out of my nose burning every hair and layer of skin off.

Genuinely one of the worst experiences of my life. I hoped this would work as it’s quite casual since sometimes at parties theres a bowl of Doritos so you can make a quick recovery. This was not the case. I made some scientific calculations and deducted that if you wanted this to work properly then you’d need at least three cheesy Doritos and someone holding your nose shut.

Doritos – Cool Original edition 0/10

This was horrendous. I rated it zero out of ten. Zilch. Nada. Null. Naught. A disgusting, disgusting experience. It actually enhanced the flavour of the vodka and made it so much worse. You better hope that if there is a bowl of Doritos at a party, they’re Tangy Cheese and not Cool Original. It was like my soul left my body and looked me dead in the eye and said “fuck you.”

Marmite – 8/10

Personally, I’m a lover of Marmite so this was quite a treat for me. Following on from the Doritos travesty, the Marmite masked the vodka really well. The only issue was due to the thickness of the Marmite. It went down quite slowly and felt like I was swallowing a slug that had been dunked in paint stripper. Apart from that, it was a pleasant experience. Lost marks due to slug feeling and because it would look so weird knocking back a shot at a pre then bringing out a tea spoon and jar of Marmite.

Toothpaste – 6/10

I used Oral B so maybe that’s where it went wrong for me. But, this is exactly how you imagine it would be. The minty-ness complimented the vodka nicely, a strong taste that made me feel as though I could breath out fire. Lowkey felt like a dragon and it was a vibe.

Licking my arm –  -10/10

This one was the most ineffective and pointless thing I have ever done in my life. Not to mention it’s quite unsafe because of rona. But I am about to admit something that I’m not proud of so you need to bear in mind that I was five shots deep and we’re all living in the midst of a global pandemic. I cleaned my arm with hand sanitiser which was 99 per cent alcohol. It felt like I did a shot of satan’s sweat and then chased it down with licking a carpet (hair arm ladies you know what I mean) that was soaked in cheap vodka. Not fun. Not good.

Pickle Juice – 11/10

Please just hear me out. It took me a long time to build up the confidence to take this shot. When I finally knocked back the pickle juice, it was like an out of body experience. The last was genuinely like I’d just had a Big Mac after a night out, it made me very nostalgic and miss uni more than ever.

The pickle juice completely neutralised my palate, it was a delectable experience to say the least. I’d thought I’d share my authentic and live reaction to the pickle juice shot.

Peanut Butter – 5/10

My biggest regret is ending on this one and not the pickle juice. I was so traumatised by the vodka consumption my body had endured that this one was hard to swallow. I was very close to bringing it back up but I persevered. My body wasn’t letting me swallow the shot of vodka and for some reason I put the peanut butter straight in after. The texture ruined the experience for me. The peanut butter kind of dispersed and went into the texture of vomit.

The verdict

First of all, I’d like to apologise to my parents who have not looked at me in the same way since the first shot touched my lips. Secondly, to whoever made Doritos at parties a thing – screw you. It was nasty and doesn’t make sense. Any who, on to the reason why you have gathered here today. This experiment was necessary, I found that pickle juice is quite possibly the best chaser known to man. However, pouring out a shot of pickle juice at a pre drink situation can be classed as weird so maybe only do if the whole group is down for it.

The overall experience was good, by the end of it I was deceased but I had a good time. Just remember, no matter how scared you are of catching rona, don’t put sanitiser on your arm and then proceed to lick it. It will only end in tears.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Apparently testicles have tastebuds so I dipped mine in soy sauce to prove it

• I switched to women’s toiletries for a week and realised it’s all a big con

• I tried to eat and drink my way into making a profit from a first-class train ticket

Vodka photo via John Arano on Unsplash.