A considered ranking of The Umbrella Academy characters, from most to least useless
I think we all already know who’s the most useless
It is physically impossible to sit through an entire episode of the Umbrella Academy and not engage in some kind of discourse, even in your own brain, about the usefulness of their powers. Some of them are so useful it’s almost enraging how sparingly or poorly they use them (looking at you, Allison) and some of them are… shit. Sorry, it had to be said.
Everyone has different opinions on the powers, but I’m here to provide a total, unbiased, definitive ranking. You can’t argue with this. I have gone IN. Let’s start dissecting, shall we? Kicking it off with Mr. Useless…
Most Useless – Luther
I actually have a soft spot for old Luthey (he won me over when he ate all those chocolates in front of Allison’s husband), he gets a hard ride, but fuck me is his power a piece of shite. He’s supposed to possess super-strength, can get hit by missiles (opening sequence of season 2) and survive, he was picked as the dad’s favourite because of his abilities and yet… routinely gets beaten up by humans?
Like. Just humans. The man can withstand a tank firing into his actual back – his BARE skin – but a pretty large dude can beat the shit out of this guy easy peasy. How. Not only is he super strong, but he literally had even MORE super strength injected into him when he was saved by the ape serum and that’s why he’s so disgustingly swole. So a man with DOUBLE super strength can get absolutely dragged to filth by an above-average sized man? USELESS.
Also how pissed would you be if you were Tom Hopper and you had to wear that sweaty af muscle suit for hours and hours of shooting all day only to realise those muscles do close to nothing and that you can be beaten up by any hunky jack or joe. Pissed. Pisssssed.
You mean to tell me that Diego is number two, aka second most powerful in Reggie Hargreeves’ opinion, and his only skill is that he can throw knives real good? Are you kidding me? What if this guy ain’t got no knives on him? What if he gets into a fight and thinks “oh shit I left my knives at home”? What if he comes up against literally anyone more powerful than him? I’m not buying it. He’s low on my list. Only just comes in above the dead guy.
Right so Klaus overtakes Ben because a) he’s not dead b) he can actually use Ben’s powers, and Ben can’t. However, he’s still relatively useless because as soon as Ben doesn’t want to put out, Klaus is useless. All he is then is clairvoyant, and honestly, I’d get tired of hearing the dead chat shit to me real quick. It would be like Grandpa Simpson nattering in your ear about the world wars and how wearing an onion on your belt was “the style at the time” but indefinitely. Or when you see one of your parents mates on a walk and have to stand there with your mum or dad and listen to them talk about adult stuff. It would be shit.
Look, Vanya is powerful. I mean, they tell us enough. But… is she actually? Her power is like, basically just soundwaves. And when she gets angry enough she can suck life out of people and potentially destroy the moon, but she doesn’t have any control over that. That’s pointless! Imagine if you got drunk one night and got into a fight in the club queue then woke up the next day and you’d destroyed the moon. But you had no idea you’d done it, because you have no say over your Oh So Powerful Powers.
What is the point?
Okay, so not only can Five TIME TRAVEL but the ability to teleport is just objectively sick. In UA, it makes him a great fighter. Plus, in real life, this power would be ideal. Imagine being able to wake up in the morning two minutes before you need to be wherever you need to be. Vhum. You’re there. Vhum. Oh shit, I forgot my mask. Vhum, back home, grabbing a mask. Want a holiday? No need to check the flight prices, I’m there! (In case you cannot tell vhum is the teleportation sound).
But honestly, his ability is a bit of a pain in the ass. First off, it runs out. He can only teleport so much and then has to power up. Also, having the ability to time travel but knowing it fucks everything up and that you could get stuck as a 13-year-old is… quite peak. A 13-year-old can only fight so well with his tiny 13-year-old little body. If he loses his teleportation juice he just gets pummeled. Also practically, imagine being a 58-year-old and then you vhum one day and suddenly you can’t shag. Or drive a car. Or drink. I would not trade that in. So he’s not useless by any means, but he’s got some pretty heavy prices to pay for power. Therefore, the most useful of all is…
Least useless – Allison
Yep, Allison is legitimately the least useless Umbrella Academy member. She just doesn’t UTILISE it enough. With her power, she wouldn’t even need to fight. Just bellow out I HEARD A RUMOUR WE ALL CHILLED OUT AND WORKED IT OUT AMICABLY OVER SOME DRINKS and this whole thing would be calm. She can literally make anyone do anything she wants. Ever. She can do anything. She could get everyone to work together to quit the fighting and help figure out how to stop the apocalypse. Then, once it’s all fixed, she could rob banks. She could make billionaires redistribute their wealth, she could stop world hunger, she could solve inequality, she could kick Trump out of office, she could do so much shit.
I mean I’m not saying she could solve the global pandemic but she’d probably play a good part in promoting social distancing and mask-wearing. With the right tools, Allison could genuinely make the world marginally if not MILES better for everyone. But instead, she became a celebrity, fucked about a bit, and got sick of using her power for her own gain. Didn’t anyone think of telling her to use it for OTHER people, not just herself? Allison is clearly one of the most powerful Umbrella Academy cast and she’s WASTED. It upsets me greatly. Anyway, now you know for sure. If I ruled these suckers she’d be my number one, just saying. Reginald Hargreeves you’re an idiot.