36 thoughts you’ll have when sitting through the horror that is The Kissing Booth 2

WHO CARES ABOUT DANCE DANCE NATION THIS MUCH AND WHY IS RACHEL SAD ALL THE TIME

4 years ago

I just watched The Kissing Booth 2 and honestly, what the fuck? I remember finding the first one sickeningly sweet, over saturated (literally – it is SO brightly coloured) and definitely a bit lame… but time must have worn down my memory of this. For this reason, I walked blindly into The Kissing Booth 2 thinking it would be a good time – or at least, not a terrible way to spend 2.5 hours. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I was stuck in one of those hotels where you don’t know what time it is except I was inside this movie and I couldn’t get out.

Could I have stopped watching? Yes. Did I? No. But thank GOD because I need to talk to somebody about this and there are too many ridiculous observations to let it slide. From getting into Harvard with admissions essays fit for secondary school to the ENDLESS amount of Dance Dance Nation montages – please, someone recount their suffering with me. This is every thought you’ll inevitably have while watching The Kissing Booth 2: Too Kissing Too Booth. (I can’t wait for The Kissing Booth 3: Tokyo Drift).

1. The first monologue is like a candyfloss whirlwind daydream from HELL

Everything is MOVING SO FAST and everyone is so annoying. It makes matters worse when Elle references having sex with Noah and says “We made sparks fly… this time on the beach.” I’m gonna vomit. We are less than 2 minutes in and I will vomit. sadly, despite it being a sequel and them REALLY rinsing the stupid “friendship rules” in the first one, they still make an appearance (i.e are the backbone of the plot) in the second movie too. Imagine following strict rules for your friendship. Everyone knows the only rules are unspoken and they’re a) don’t shag my ex and b) don’t shag my current partner. It’s not that hard to follow!

2. Elle says she likes Berkeley uni because it has a ‘meme page’ on Insta

Let me tell you Elle, a meme page does not a good uni make. It’s the type of uni that relies on dog petting days in the library to take care of the student body’s dwindling mental health

3. I don’t care if you’re giving someone space, no 17-year-old girl texts ‘take care’

Why the fuck is she just sat in front of the Hollywood sign? Isn’t that illegal? I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Has she not seen Friends with Benefits? That shit’s definitely illegal.

4. If you made me spend time with Elle and Lee I’d pull my own hair out of my skull within 2 minutes

No wonder she hates them hanging out so much

5. Speaking of, is her hair a wig? It’s looking awfully wig like

6. Once again every teenager in this school looks 35

Who’s this big fucking dude. Why’s he the size of a mountain? And why’s this announcer girl randomly British?

7. Why do they always make the mean school girls in movies wear heels?

Like no matter how nasty you are you’re never gonna wear heels to school. This isn’t 90210, we don’t do that anymore.

8. Jacob Elordi (Noah) is actually arguably… too fit… for this film?

He looks so gorgeous it’s almost a strange juxtaposition to how Netflix-y the rest of the cast look. It’s like they stuck Naomi Campbell in ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ and thought no one would notice.

9. Elle didn’t anyone tell you that going to a uni just ‘cos your boyfriend goes there is NOT A GOOD IDEA!

Imagine applying to Harvard because your boyf is like “maybe you should lol, come be with me”. People spend years trying to get there and don’t get in, you can’t just Legally Brunette your way in there Elle. Your last name is not Woods – and remember what happened to Warner Huntington The Third!

10. The announcement scene where she calls Marco a snack is just straight up unbelievable

Ok lemme just talk this one through for a sec: Elle chilling a room which happens to have the school announcement system in it. Mean girl with muchos piercings shows her INCREDIBLY ZOOMED IN AND HIGH QUALITY footage of new guy working out, without his face in it (who even filmed this? Isn’t that a sex crime? How did they get such high quality footage and no face in it?) and Elle CONVENIENTLY drops her bag on the button and announces her thoughts on his bare body to the whole school. Mean girl thinks it’s funny so keeps her going. Everyone laughs. The man involved does not care, nay, was not paying attention until the whole student body shouted his name. To which he winks and smiles. Genuinely surprised they didn’t add a cartoon glimmer to his teeth when he opened his mouth. God. I’m so tired.

11. Ok, Marco is pretty fit. God those eyes. Wow. Jesus. God. Those. Eyes.

He’s wearing a chain like Connell from Normal People. It’s gone international.

12. I like that the background music reminds me how to feel every single second of the movie

13. Molly Ringwald I’m so sorry they roped you into this

How did she go from Breakfast Club to Kissing Booth 2? I will never know.

14. Noah’s fake Instagram is a big ol’ mess

His Insta is called @noah_nonsense12 with the bio “fast bikes… football… ice cream sundaes”. Please. You are at university. At Harvard. Spare me. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook in the same walls that you wrote that bio.

15. The whole ‘other woman’ storyline with Chloe is just PAINFUL

To be fair Elle beginning a big stalk of the “girl he tells you not to worry about” by saying “I know I’m gonna regret this” is a mood – but the whole rest of this storyline in Kissing Booth 2 is so arduous. I had to physically drag myself through it. Like when she says “It was that night I decided to hold on to Noah” because she saw him hanging out with one other girl who gets 1k likes on her pics, but she makes the courageous decision not to break up with him. Honey check yourself. Why is no one in this movie capable of understanding that you can have friends of the same sex!

16. The Dance Dance Nation stuff takes up the majority of the movie and I still don’t understand why?

There’s no point including these Dance Dance Nation montages in movies because it will never beat the confessions of a teenage drama queen Megan Fox vs Lindsay Lohan dance dance scene. Foolish to try.

17. The prize money for this dance machine competition is 50k?! You’re kidding me

Oh convenient dance machine competition with a prize money equivalent to Love Island, the biggest reality tv show in the UK. And it just happens to be the exact amount Elle needs to go to college – go figure!

18. The admissions essay writing process is complete bullshit

I hate watching people write these college entrance essays in movies because they end up making it really emotional and about a journey when in actuality your High Level uni admissions essay has to be like I did work experience at This Major Law Firm and I will commit my whole life to this course and my degree and I am the hardest working person in this mortal realm. My hands look like this so yours can look like that (not typing an admissions essay). It’s bullshit!

19. Lee’s girlfriend genuinely looks like a full-grown woman and also like an English teacher. She also dressed like an English teacher. I’m confused.

20. Scratch that. Everyone in this movie is terribly dressed

Sometimes I really question who is the costume designer for these movies and why they think it’s okay. When we first meet Chloe she’s supposed to be some young sexy college siren but she’s dressed like a Prime Minister’s wife. Also the leather jacket Elle wears? The scarf she wears in Boston? The cardigans Noah wears? Literally everything everyone wears? Unacceptable.

The fuck is that cropped jacket. Get outta here

21. When Noah picks Elle up in his boxers I did legit gasp

Well played Kissing Booth. You know how to win me back.

22. The tribe she mentions in Zimbabwe is the same tribe as the vase in Mean Girls and don’t you think I didn’t notice

23. Once again with this jarring ass cheating storyline

Ooh an earring under the bed, how very Dr Foster of you, Kissing Booth. Also, let it be known that one of the biggest storyline sins you can commit is when a girlfriend sees phone messages you KNOW are obviously being misconstrued but you have to wait 1 hr 30 mins for her to realise this.

24. If she’s looking for college money why’s she flying business class smh

Do you want some more champagne Miss Kissing Booth? A complementary eye mask and bag of money, perhaps?

25. When Elle says ‘I’m definitely not used to seeing you around all those college girls’

ITS ONE GIRL. ONE GIRL. YOU SAW HIM. WITH ONE. FEMALE FRIEND. Plus, I’m gonna be honest here and say that if I had the choice of elegant Harvard girl who lived in Zimbabwe and girl who plays Dance Dance Mania on the weekend and wears ugly scarves I think I know who I’m picking.

26. Marco strumming that guitar is hardwired to my vagina and it is doing… something

27. Ah, a token gay character that has nothing else to do with the main storyline. Good one Netflix. Convincing

28. Why does this school have so much money for Halloween decor!

The Kissing Booth 2 school has too much money for its own good. They can funnel thousands into a Halloween dance but can’t manage to stop students hijacking the PA system huh? Also it’s really hard to take her tense, sexy dance with Marco seriously when she’s wearing a ghostbuster back pack.

29. I am finding it so hard to unsee Elle as the daughter in Crazy Stupid Love

THIS IS WHAT I SEE WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES AT NIGHT

30. THERE HAVE BEEN SIX TOO MANY DANCE MAT MONTAGE SCENES IN THIS MOVIE ALREADY

I expected a lot of cringe things from this movie but a Dance Dance Mania competition was not one of them. I also googled it and sadly they do exist in real life. Not gonna lie I did get goosebumps when they started their competition dance routine but we don’t need to talk about that. Seems a bit unfair that they got the moving stage and sparklers when everyone else just got stationary stage and no sparklers, though.

31. Tfw you realise you’ve cheated on your boyfriend in front of his very eyes at a national Dance Dance Mania competition

32. The Thanksgiving scene was DRAMATIC

My mum would give me an ass whooping if I behaved like any of these kids did at their thanksgiving dinner. Plus it was basically just the beta version of the Gossip Girl series two thanksgiving dinner when “Mmmm watcha sayyyy” plays.

33. All Rachel does in this film is look disappointed and cry

Give the girl a PERSONALITY, for God’s sake!

34. The fact they dangled a Bridget Jones style man on man fight scene in front of us then just… let it go

I love it when Noah gets all Nate from Euphoria it’s so terrifying. But all that build up and no punches or fighting in Greek restaurants and fountains… what a waste.

I love you

35. Elle’s final speech to the admissions officer is NOT WORTHY OF ACCEPTANCE

Imagine getting accepted to Harvard writing “I have no idea what I wanna be in five years” and then listing a bunch of qualities belonging to people whom the admissions officer has no idea exist. I know white middle class Americans get away with a lot but this is ridonkulous!

36. There’s going to be THIRD ONE?!

I know what that cliffhanger means, Kissing Booth 2! I know you’re planning a THREEQUEL. Stop. Don’t do this to me. You know I’ll watch it. My head hurts. Please, someone, anyone – was this as painful for you as it was for me?

All images courtesy of Netflix