Introducing: The 58 fresher personas you’ll encounter in September 2020

When Britney Spears wrote the laws of nature she said “there’s only two types of people in the world: the ones that entertain and the ones that observe.” And while I would never be one to disagree with Britney normally I have to say in the case of the thousands of bright-eyed bushy-tailed freshers heading off to uni in September there are, in fact, 58 types of people in the world.

Some of these archetypes are as old as universities themselves, and one day when they all collapse under the financial weight of a pandemic the rugby boy and the BNOC will still exist, like cockroaches after a nuclear blast. Some, however, are brand new – fresh off the lockdown presses. Read on and feel seen, for you are or will become one of these people:

The TikToker

Lockdown made monsters of us all in different ways, but none more so than the newly born uni TikToker. They’re desperate to become TikTok famous so they can drop out and pursue their dreams of dancing like a whacky inflatable arm flailing tube man for a living. Unfortunately they’re not there yet. They’re on your night out, trying to get you to dance to Savage at pre-drinks with them. Put the phone down, Jess, you’re an adult.

The actual pro influencer

Unlike the uni TikToker this person came into uni with a sizeable following on all platforms. They occasionally vlog and are frequently sent free stuff. It makes your blood boil.

The corona police

Will shame you relentlessly for going to the corner shop for anything but an essential item. What’s that? You’re off to Maccies to cure your hangover without a mask? You fiend. Every social interaction you have is costing LIVES goddamnit and you can bet the corona police will be keeping a logbook of your every transgression. 

The no-longer-persecuted vegan

Finally! Justice! Four years ago we would’ve been here putting you in the Annoying Pile of people on campus, but what a difference four years of the Earth progressively worsening and the news polar bears will be wiped out by 2100 makes! People are now actually interested in what you’re making for dinner – they’re even asking for a little taste as you stew down 25 different types of beans into a nice beige colour. You even have to put a post-it note on your oat milk in the fridge because suddenly everyone’s decided it doesn’t taste like cardboard, all in the name of helping the world. Good on you, this is your year x

The environmentalist

Big into Extinction Rebellion. Probably got arrested in the London protests when they super glued themselves to an Oxford Street pavement. Doesn’t believe in deodorant, but is willing to purchase some eco deo soap as a compromise. Exclusively shops in charity shops, and doesn’t say anything when someone gets a Nasty Gal delivery, but you know they are rattling off five facts in their head about air miles and modern day slavery. On the whole a very kind and caring character, even if they do make you feel a bit guilty for going on two holidays a year. 

The fake environmentalist

Preaches to everyone about sustainability and how bad it is that the uni still allows people to print on actual paper cut down from trees, but then gets very excited when Boohoo has a 40 per cent off sale. Owns most of Molly-Mae’s PLT collection. Pretends to be a vegetarian, but scoffs chicken nuggets after a night out telling everyone she’s actually flexitarian, get off her back already urgh. 

The private school kid who’s low-key ashamed of it

Probably from the midlands or the north. Is only now learning how of their privilege. Gets uncomfortable talking about it. Will one day vote Tory.

The filthy rich private school kid who couldn’t give a fuck how you feel

Thanks to TikTok, private school kids have found their voice again, one that before now had been exclusively kept for Tory Soc gatherings where someone would say something racist, homophobic, sexist, anti-semitic – anything bad! – and get away with it. Thanks to all those ‘rich kid check’ videos, where teenagers take you around their sprawling Surrey estate, acres of land, tennis courts and pool, private school kids are confident to be their organic selves: rich toffs. They’ll enter the first pre-drinks of Freshers’ Week with a bottle of Ciroc, flex their hands and say “come on then, who thinks private schools should be BANNED??” They won’t have ever heard of Bradford, retching when they hear it’s up north, can’t believe that no one else had the pleasure of Bethany the French au pair bringing them up, and is gobsmacked no one has partied hard at the Regatta. Will call you peasants and probably not speak to you ever again. 

The BNOC

8/10 fit, and sleeps with at least three people in your block by the end of Freshers’ Week. On day one they’ve managed to get everyone’s phone number in halls, and has somehow become everyone’s “maaaaate!” by the end of day two. Will wear something signature everyday – maybe a cap or a fit sweatshirt – so everyone knows it’s “that guy from House 28”. 

~An interlude to talk about Sports teams~

The netball girl

If Wednesday sports night were a trashy teen film, netball would be Mean Girls, as the netball corner of the club (and yes they have a corner) is an exclusive clique you’ll need to pass a series of trials to enter. You can tell a netball girl is a netball girl because they will often wear stash around campus, and when they’re not they’ll bring it up without asking. Yes I know you play netball, Emily, so did I when I was in year 5. Grow up.

The rugby boys

A tale as old as time: rugby boys have existed as long as pints have been poured at SU club nights. They’re largely unchanged since 2005, except they’re a little more wary of their dodgier moments transpiring in public where they can be held accountable. You’ll watch on in horror as nice Michael from your halls is slowly transformed into a pint-swallowing caveman version of himself, ready to ruin the vibe of your pre-drinks with just one cry of “see it off!”

The hockey girl

If netball is Mean Girls, hockey is Wild Child. Everything about ladies hockey is weirdly tribal. Like, if you’re not lugging around a stick bag roughly two-thirds of your own height, who even are you? Quite laddy in their own ways, but with a dash of Fiat 500. Heavy crossover with the liability.

The hockey boy

Hockey boys are the beta males of the uni sports ecosystem. They’re just as posh as rugby lads, and dress the same way too, but they will never be as manly. That won’t stop them trying and their cute little rituals will prompt you to look over in concern that your precious flatmate David hasn’t been trampled on by the desperate toxic masculinity.

The football girl

Is a girl. Plays football. Doesn’t get a lot of clout.

The football boy

Most sports teams dress in a similar way and on nights out are really into the shirts and tie thing. Football boys however make a point of dressing really garishly and… well, really badly. We’re talking bright red trainers on all black, we’re talking excessive amounts of hair gel, we’re talking… oh I’m gonna say it… ripped jeans in 2020.

The rugby girl

Rugby girls put up with a lot of shit and are ultimately the unsung heroes of the uni sports power pyramid. Rugby is literally all they talk about, however.

The niche sports team players

We’re not really talking about lacrosse or tennis here because honestly those don’t even really count. We’re more discussing squash, fencing, or even quidditch. Those lovely little lambs who’ll never say anything bad to you, who’ll dutifully offer you a cup of tea in the morning when you’re hungover from sports night, and remind you of important stuff. They won’t even mind when you bring someone back to your room and shag them very loudly while they’re trying to sleep. They’ll be there, tucked up in bed, in their happy place watching the Smurfs Movie.

The one whose entire vibe changes once they get their hands on some delicious K

Tried a bit of ye olde K while at a festival back when festivals still existed. Maybe shaved his head a bit and got an earring. Is now ready to turn his nostrils into the HS2 of horse tranquillisers. Accordingly his entire wardrobe will quickly change to match his newly acquired drug hab- I mean personality. 

The one who literally only went to uni to do drugs

Studies Criminology, doesn’t go to lectures, but likes smoking up daily and going to drum and bass nights. They’re nice enough but never remember your name because every time you meet they’re out of it. Will end uni on a third, and they’re completely content with that. 

The home bird

Has a Vauxhall Corsa or an equally sensible car which they drive home every weekend to see “this one x”. Either cries on nights out because they miss their other half (who they’ve been with less than two years but are acting like they’ve been wed for 40), or stays in with their cosy dressing gown and face mask on, ready for FaceTime. There’s absolutely zero chance of dirty talk – it scares them. 

The simp

Here he is and he’s got a girlfriend. When you meet her he’s both desperate for you to hang out with and like her and also determined to have as much romantic time with her as possible. Weirdly you’ll never hear the sounds of passionate love-making because, in fact, she is breaking up with him right now. He will never get over this.

The Mescalites

This boy spent lockdown not only crying/getting off over Normal People, but making notes on every move Connell/Paul Mescal made. They’ll wear a chain (“I actually wore one before they got popular”, he’ll say), invest in some short shorts, and start calling girls they’re hitting on “pretty”, not realising that unless they’re doing it in the exact same Irish accent, it’s just not going to work. 

The fallen Fiat 500 girls

Sorry Sophia, but everyone hates your car now and we all think you’re a massive racist. 

The indie boy

Will screw with your feelings for a laugh then start playing some riff he got from The 1975. Dan, mate, please. Indie boys were kind of a dead concept in 2015, why are you dragging it out from the very soil beneath us just to make me cry?

The e-boy

You don’t really know how this boy came to be. All you know is that over summer he got really into techno and bleach. You’re weirdly attracted to it but you wouldn’t dare tell anyone.

The gym nerd

Got a gym membership on the first day of Freshers’ goes an abnormal number of times a week. Protein everywhere. Won’t shut up about it. Next.

Halls social sec

Not as lame as it sounds – this person just loves going out and is happy to do all of the following: 

• Orders the Uber

• Makes a punch enough to get a hippo paralytic 

• Organise pre-drinks, which they make really good by bringing out their hench speaker and disco lights – they’re all about the vibes

• Make the playlist (they have one for pres, the taxi and afters) 

The medic

Thinks you’re literally the stupidest person they have ever met because you’re studying a humanities subject, and not medicine. Will slowly gravitate towards other science-based degrees, because your tiny little brain isn’t good enough for them. Will like to remind you that people who studied medicine helped greatly with the coronavirus crisis, not those who did English Lit. 

The drama kid

“Guys, does anyone want to come to my troupe’s production of Hairspray this weekend? I’m playing Chorus Member 2 and I’ve got one line! Tickets only £16!” 

Sends messages like this every month, and plays Hamilton at pre-drinks. Used to play The Greatest Showman, but they just save this for when they’re in the shower now. 

The shy but low-key fit engineering boy

Was a late bloomer in school, but suddenly you start to notice that James from next door is growing some very nice stubble. His arms are toning up a little bit and his voice is kinda like all those ASMR vids you won’t tell anyone you still watch in 2020. He’s completely unaware of you staring at him across the breakfast bar, eyes glazed over, imagining him with his hands on your bedrails and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. 

The Gap Yah student who will never ever be over their gap year getting cut short

Had all their money saved for a no doubt enlightening trip to Bali or Thailand or whatever but unfortunately was only there for a few months before Miss Rona dragged them home by their ear. They think the story is really interesting and that they have more insight than anyone on the state of air travel in these end times. They are, in fact, insufferable.

The northerner

Hates it when you complain about the cold (even when it’s -1 degrees), insists on sinking their chips in gravy after a night out, always says “thanks drive” to the taxi driver, and hates fussy alcohol like cocktails or even gin and tonics. Will have bounced back from a hangover by the time you’re just having your first little sick, enjoys getting into arguments with anyone posh and gets really annoyed when you mock their accent. Essential to have in the flat if you want a good year. 

The eternal Oxbridge reject

Could tell you the very college they were rejected from without so much as blinking. Will never ever be over the fact they got to the interview only to fail at the last hurdle, which was presumably being very bad vibes. Shocked to find out most of the people at any given Russell Group uni are in fact Oxbridge rejects.

Law students

You know these people do law because they never shut up about how hard they work. I mean, sure, one day they’ll be swan diving into pools of cash and cocaine, but for now they’re extremely lame. Sorry x

The music obsessive who gets really into student radio

Well intentioned, but ultimately annoying. This guy (and it’s always a guy) truly believes he is an NME columnist in the making and will bore you with his ruminations on the new Kendrick Lamar album until it happens. Along the way he will make it his mission to dominate his slot on SU radio dropping bangers only he likes (Ben Howard, anyone???).

The A-level result conversation starter

Talks about his A-level results at pres an ungodly amount of times. Dude it is literally a meme at this point that you shouldn’t do this. Acquire a personality.

The liability

Forgets to take their contraceptive pill and drags you down to the clinic at 7am to queue for two hours to get an emergency one (you did the same thing two weeks ago). Is a serial dater and knows all the rugby team on a first name basis. Always forgets their keys, or loses them somewhere in the club, usually resulting in you paying their halls fine because you now feel somewhat responsible for them. Seems to survive on a liquid diet, but also random foods like half an avocado, Dairylea Dunkers and Nutella. 

You live vicariously through them, and consider dumping your long term boyfriend to have a little what they’re having. 

The IB wanker

Omfg we get it you did the IB!!!! Jesus wept these people will not shut up about how much easier the International bumlicking or whatever it stands for was than A-Levels or even the first year workload. Please shush.

The flat mum and dad

Have never experienced a hangover in their magnolia butter-up-the-bumhole lives and it’s annoying, yeah, but at least they’re happy to look after you and bring you a Berocca, even if they will tell you off for getting in that state to begin with. They’re in charge of making sure everyone gets in the Uber after the night out, and direct the next day’s cleaning operation like a drill sergeant. 

The panic masters

Another year, another degree. The sad and lonely children of the panic masters realised a little too late that a degree in English Lit alone was not going to get them a job in marketing or journalism so they’re buying themselves some more time in the most literal sense possible by paying thousands to do more English they don’t even really like. They will inevitably do a PhD.

The flat gremlin

Is gross. The end.

The pass agg one

Big fans of the post-it, these guys. Will leave you notes if you so much as place one food item of yours on their fridge shelf. Make it known frequently they do most of the washing up and will occasionally do a “big clean” there they purposely tidy around your mess as if so much as touching it will give them coronavirus. 

The one who can’t hack it and drops out after one (1) week

You can see it coming a mile off. Uni is not for them. They go on one night out they hate, freak out over how they didn’t immediately gel with their coursemates, and peace out without telling anyone.

The ghost

There’s always one. Lurking in the corner of room number 7 at the end of the corridor. You’re convinced they don’t actually exists, that their arrival was just a hallucination, but then you see them. At 1am. Cooking a meal to sneak back to their room. You lock eyes and silently agree never to speak of this again.

The living ick

Sorry but after one month of living in halls, there’s one individual everyone absolutely hates. It’s like a big ick virus has crept over the halls, and everyone’s caught it and now can’t be around this one person. They probably haven’t done anything in particular, they just got a bit loud and annoying during pres once, didn’t pay you back that taxi fare or kept taking your ciggies and now anytime they open their mouth you would rather be on a plane with 250 screaming babies for 24 hours than continue to listen to them tell you about their day. Eventually they get the picture, especially when they catch you running away from them in the smoking area or hear you fall silent when they knock on your door. Savage, but a fact of life x

The gamer

We’re not talking FIFA, Mario Kart, or even Fortnite here. We’re talking dual screens, headset, League of Legends, and other e-sports games that don’t look like much fun. Yikes.

The musician

You see it as you move in. The case. “You better not be playing that while I’m in!” you say jokily, but you mean it.

The green-fingered houseplant wizard

Got really into gardening over lockdown and is now convinced they can cultivate a greenhouse’s worth of plant life in the box that is their uni room. You’re initially really impressed until you walk into their room in week six and discover a graveyard of brown leaves and dead dreams.

The deep internet obsessive

Shows you memes you don’t really understand but laugh along to anyway because you don’t want them to know you aren’t as cool as them. Has an encyclopaedic knowledge of The Simpsons, goes on Reddit threads and actually knows how it works, probably gets study drugs off the dark web. 

International students who are now so valued by the uni they’re practically royalty

Now that universities are on the brink of financial meltdown (same hun x) the cash flow from foreign students has never been more essential. You’ll find the uni is so appreciative of the fact they’ve come all this way for what is ultimately a shit time they’re almost being hailed in the streets. 

The one who gets sucked deeeeeep into the hole that is SU politics

Is there anything more bumout than anything involving the SU? While there’s obviously lots of value in women’s and LGBT officers etc you really have to wonder who wakes up one day and thinks – “yeah, I really want to be SU Vice President. Neeks, that’s who.

Your soulmate

That one person you meet in Freshers’ Week who actually becomes your BFFL – like legit. They’ll probably be your maid of honour at your wedding or some shit and oh god now I’m crying give me a minute. 

The Netflix guru

Has watched the latest Netflix drop before anyone else has, is obsessed with true crime, is basically your own Rotten Tomatoes service. 

The uni chef

Owns a spice rack, has their own griddle pan and, the pièce de résistance, their own set of very sharp knives. Gets incredibly upset if someone touches their kitchenware, suggests the meal could’ve done with a little more seasoning, or takes the piss out of their special chef apron mum bought before coming to uni. Can be relied upon to make a banging roast (no, they don’t want any help making it, please sit down before you ruin everything), and often has leftovers of extravagant meals they’ve made for you to eat. 

The one who cannot cook for shit

Will burn pasta and will think pesto is a country somewhere. 

The baker

Hasn’t got the lockdown baking out of their system, and is still launching banana bread out of the oven to go alongside the uni chef’s roast dinners. Makes an absolutely banging apple crumble for when you’re all hungover and literally need it. 

The eternal intern

Just when you’ve decided you would like a job in the media like everyone else, they’re on internship number four at the BBC (mum has a hook-up at Radio 4), and already have their byline in the papers. Sick. 

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