Every single person you will encounter at the pub on Super Saturday

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the pubs are opening up this Saturday. And the restaurants. It’s called Super Saturday. Are you scared? Same!

Alongside being scared for your bank balance to return to its former activity of evaporating the moment it gets near a bar, and realising your flirting skills are now so rusty after being out of action for three months that there’s a high chance you will never pull again and, oh yeah, the R number might go up, the most terrifying thing about the 4th July is all the people you’re going to be socially distancing/mixing with.

In the same way there were several different types of lockdown personas when Miss Rona first hit, creeping in your WhatsApp groups right now are the incoming post-lockdown personalities, like that one mate who is “just desperate for a pint”, the one who is going to be kicked out after three Dark Fruits, and the other who is planning to queue at Spoons tomorrow at 8am. 

This is everyone you will have the pleasure of meeting on Super Saturday:

The one who passes out after three, perhaps four, pints

You really thought this was going to be a big day for you. Instead, it was a big hour. Some things really slipped during lockdown – your hair, your emotional state – but none more so than your alcohol tolerance.

Give it a few pints and some hastily-ordered Jagerbombs (they’re just not the same at home) and suddenly you’re on the floor, and your mates are having to surrender the table they’ve waited literal months for just to drag you home.

In the words of Mumford and all his sons, you’ve really fucked it up this time.

The heckler telling people in the queue “THERE’S STILL A VIRUS”

This person will be in a silver Ford Focus, and will spend five minutes with the brakes on, window down, staring out at the pub queue slowly shaking their head, just praying someone catches eyes with them. When they realise no one is taking the slightest bit of notice of them, they’ll crank up the volume and start with the “you should be ashamed of yourself!!” or “50,000 people have died, have some respect!!” 

The one who got a boyfriend in lockdown and now won’t shut up about how much sex they’re having

You’ve given up rinsing them about how they broke lockdown rules to begin their fledgling relationship in the first place and now have to sit there while they reminisce about how their romance started. Yeah, Emily, you met on Hinge, got chatting, sent some nudes to each other and now you have an active sex life. Nice one.

The brunch organiser

“Hey girlies! Have booked brunch at 1pm (bottomless obv!) Spent all day yesterday harassing the staff to let us have a reservation because I said I literally CAN’T go another weekend without bottomless prosecco with my girls! See you Sat for a boozy one!!! X x” 

The people who continue to say “what a mad three months it’s been!”

WE KNOW JILL IT’S BEEN THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, MOVE ON. 

The one who used to be a militant social distancing nerd, but has since stopped caring at all

They were all over your Twitter and Instagram feeds preaching to you about how if you hugged your mum you were KILLING MILLIONS AND CAPTAIN TOM WILL SMITE YOU WHERE YOU STAND FOR YOUR CRIMES. But now they have mysteriously stopped caring and are perfectly happy hugging you and hooking up with Tinder matches on the sly. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The post-lockdown TikTokker

They’re so gassed about the 300 followers they acquired doing really bad dances in lockdown and they’re determined to rope you into a troupe. Nadia? Calm down and have a pint. People are staring.

The shaggers

It’s been a long three months of FaceTime dates, shite coronavirus open-liners on Hinge and PornHub Premium. At one point, things got so desperate you started using Animal Crossing as a place to meet up. But finally, you will be thirsty no more, not just for alcoholic beverages but for human contact and SEX. Saturday 4th literally has one purpose, and that’s to pull. 

The one who never used to wear a hat but now can’t take it off

Mate, why haven’t you taken your hat off? You never wore one before.

Oh, yes, it’s because your flatmate’s been cutting your hair with what looks like nail scissors for the past three months and the way your hair covers your scalp is more inconsistent than Cheryl Cole’s surname.

The grad who managed to get their shit together post-uni despite lockdown plummeting the job market so far into the toilet it’s mingling with all the festered poo in the U-bend

You’re all having a good old lmao about how your lives are all fucked after graduating before James reveals he’s landed ~the~ grad scheme. He’s starting in Spetember and has a cushy amount of time off to do whatever the fuck he wants with no stress at all. Sorry but fuck off James. You can buy the pints you little job-acquiring weasel and you know what James? Then you can go home because you’re not welcome here. 

The poor soul who got so in deep watching YouTube, playing Animal Crossing, and other weird niche stuff that they can’t have a normal conversation anymore

They haven’t been paying much attention to the world outside because it’s “too depressing” but they suuuuure do have very developed opinions about Tom Nook and his capitalist processes!!!!

The boomers 

Will treat this day like a royal wedding and insist on buying an overpriced bottle of something, probably champagne, to really mark the occasion they can sit 2m away from their old chums in a half capacity pub garden. Will loudly discuss the toppling of statues, saying “I draw the line at Churchill” and “I’m NOT a racist”. 

The drunk hugger, kisser and spitter

 If there’s a spike, this person is responsible. 

Just the gals

The Instagram has never looked so dry, and you’ve run out of photos to upload to Bumble without diving into the archives of your 2016 holiday to Majorca with mum and dad. The purpose of Super Saturday? Aperol Spritz, new ASOS outfit, fake tan, and photoshoot taken in the pub garden by your loyal best mate willing to snap away until you get the perfect shot. The Insta caption? Either “Missed u x”, “we’re baaaaack” or “old habits die hard x”.

The one who cancels because they’re scared they’ll get corona

This will be the same person who has been sending the death stats down the WhatsApp group every day and hasn’t broken lockdown once. 

The conspiracy theorists

Will be found overheard in the pub garden, or at the hairdressers, starting the convo with “well I read…”. Still very of the mindset that coronavirus was caused by Bill Gates or 5g.

The holiday booker

Air bridges! Green zones! Easyjet sale! Ryanair flights to Faro for £16.99 one way??? FCO approved or not, this person’s frantically sending links to Airbnbs, TUI package holidays and Skyscanner deals for quite literally everywhere round the world. They don’t care that Leicester’s gone into local lockdown or that the R number is around 1 in some parts of the UK – a summer holiday is back on the menu and absolutely nothing is getting in their way. 

And the one who is livid Portugal might not included

Booked a five night stay down in the Algarve with the missus and the kids and now it’s not even bloody included!

The one who didn’t break a single rule during lockdown and is very upset about people going to Bournemouth beach last week

“Just selfish”.

Their friend who went to Bournemouth beach last week who will try and justify it 

“The thing is, where we were was actually really quiet and we cleared up all our rubbish and I’ve been pretty good most of the time and I’ve been washing my hands a lot so…”

The one who is outside the pub at 8am

Come on mate, get a life.

The one who is more excited about getting a haircut than having a pint

They’ve tried a few home haircuts on lockdown but at this point they’d rather face being overgrown than any more terrible lids. The moment the shutters rise on the local barbers they’re in there begging for a fade.

The one who gets kicked out of the pub 

Probably after two pints. 

The one who’s an absolute prick to the staff

The pandemic has been bad in a lot of ways, but none more so than the fact you – yes you – have been unable to drink Stella from a tap whenever you want. It’s not the pint you enjoy, but rather the ability to exercise possibly the smallest possible amount of power over service staff by being a bit of a prick.

Except this time, it’s better, because you’ve been denied a pint for months and the staff are behind screens, so literally can’t do anything.

The one who can’t understand what’s so special about going to the pub and would rather have tinnies in the park forever and ever

Look Alister I understand you’re a massive cheapskate but it’s really cold and I do not want to see you doing that stupid bottle opening thing with the knife you got from TikTok. Grow up.

Related stories recommended by this writer: 

• 2m distancing and small groups: The new rules for when Spoons reopens on Saturday

• This is every single person you will encounter during lockdown

• Which of the 10 lockdown personas are you? Take this quiz and find out