Ranking celebrities on how lame their attempts to get popular on TikTok are

No prizes for guessing where Lewis Capaldi is on here

Celebrities do not belong on TikTok. There I said it. They straight up ruin the experience of using the app. Genuinely famous people on Instagram? Makes sense. Instagram is for pretty people and celebrities are on the whole an attractive bunch of humans to look at. TikTok, however, is for funny videos. Most celebs aren’t funny people. Also, not unlike TikTok famous influencers, they’re obviously using the platform as a way to either gain relevance with a young demographic, or sell you shit.

This invasion of TikTok cannot and will not be allowed to stand. I’d go as far as to say it’s a violation of our most basic human rights: to enjoy social media without celebrities ruining it. To that end, I’ve ordered the biggest offenders from lamest to, well… least lame. These people deserve to be shamed, and I hope with all my heart the TikTok gods exile them.

-11/10: Lewis Capaldi

@lewiscapaldi##relatable am I right guys lol? ##foryou ##kingoftiktok♬ Ride It – Regard

Maybe I’m a little biased because I fucking cannot stand Lewis Capaldi at the best of times, but his presence on TikTok is a part of what makes him so annoying. I actually got a notification informing me the ‘king of TikTok’ Lewis was live-streaming yesterday. EW.

What does he do on TikTok? Self-deprecating ‘relatable’ humour. 

Why is that lame? I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again, Lewis is a millionaire model-shagging megastar. He is not your friend. His TikTok exists to get you to stream his album.

-3/10: Kylie Jenner

@kyliejennerradiation♬ Radiation from Keeping up with the Kardashians – e_entertainment

Kylie’s pivot to TikTok was as inevitable as it was lame, having already completed Instagram she’s moved onto pastures greener. The content is, as you’d expect, really boring. Her child features heavily.

What does she do on TikTok? Lip syncs to audio from Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Why is that lame? Believe it or not it’s less funny when you’re an actual Kardashian.

0/10: Literally any of the Love Islanders

@sianniseafudgeI can be your local scammer 🤑 – choreographed by me ✌🏼 ##localscammerchallenge ##g4boyz @g4boyz @realg4boyzbuggy @realg4boyzicebaby @lukettrotman♬ Local Scammer – G4 Boyz

You really have to feel for the Love Island alumni. Not only is their show trading in ever diminishing cultural relevance, the spon con industry its ex-contestants occupy has been completely shafted by lockdown. Long gone are the days when Anton was roped in to try and get 18-24s to download the app, now we’ve got Luke T and Siânnise doing that stupid dance again and again and again. The Onlyfans bell will soon toll for thee.

What do they do on TikTok? Try and convince you they’re still in loving relationships.

Why is that lame? Genuinely no one cares.

1/10: Olly Murs

@ollymursOne drop or two 🤣🤷🏻‍♂️ ##mrsdoubtfire♬ original sound – ollymurs

Olls put his cock in a Pringles can on TikTok and ever since then the world hasn’t been quite the same. Time basically stopped and there was Olly, frozen in a permanent state of cock-in-Pringles-can-ness, and there we were: unable to process it. He has since taken it down.

What does he do on TikTok? Irritate his girlfriend while they’re locked down in his really nice house.

Why is that lame? The man’s last top 10 hit was six years ago. His 15 minutes really are up.

2/10: Hailey Bieber

@haileybieber@justinbieber♬ original sound – darylboylan19

Hailey Bieber is married to Justin Bieber. Occasionally Justin pops up in her TikToks looking like he’d rather be strapped to a chair watching Shawn Mendez take a big sweaty dump on his bed.

What does she do? Mimes with Justin Bieber and sometimes her dog.

Why is that lame? Have you seen them? 

2.5/10: Logan Paul

@loganpaulthat escalated quickly @friendlyneighborhoodevan @maclinb♬ original sound – loganpaul

Logan is emblematic of that group of loud and obnoxious Vine-stars-turned-YouTubers who are now looking at TikTok and releasing their moment in the Gen Z sun is over. There’s nothing really to be gained from Logan’s TikToks you can’t see on his terrible terrible YouTube channel, so best to steer clear.

What does he do on TikTok? Wraps elastic bands around watermelons, does challenges, makes cum faces. Yup.

Why is that lame? The man is 25.

3.33/10: Joe Sugg

@joe_suggJust your typical day in Lockdown with your girlfriend who’s a dance teacher.. @dianne_buswell_official ##dance ##1920s♬ Charleston – Various Artists & Marion Harris & Blossom Seeley

Hard to be mean about Joe when he’s just trying to be sensible and keep his options open. He’s obviously not as bad as his sister, but at 28 it’s really hard to see who he’s appealing to.

What does he do on TikTok? He’s still doing routines from when he was on Strictly.

Why is that lame? That was a long time ago.

5/10: Tom Daley

@tomdaleyICE BUCKET POST SAUNA (before lockdown) ##tbt ##fyp ##foryou ##tomdaley ##beforethelockdown ##icechallenge♬ Ride It – Regard

I don’t really understand why Tom has a TikTok. In a way I respect that he’s obviously not trying to joylessly monetise it like everyone else on this list but at the same time… eh?

What does he do on TikTok? Dances, stretch routines, it’s all very sexually charged.

Why is that lame? If we lose out on an Olympic medal because he was pissing about on this app I will not be happy.

5.5/10: Will Smith

@willsmithDropping beats in @moncler with @jordi.koalitic & @lizzza!♬ original sound – willsmith

Will Smith is the highest paid actor in Hollywood. Let that sink in. He is rich. As. Fuck. To be fair to him, a lot of effort clearly goes into the making of his TikToks, which is more than can be said for the majority of TikTokers, but most of the effort looks like it comes from whoever is paid to make them look so good.

What does he do on TikTok? Some dancing, some skits, bit of backstage movie “bants.”

Why is that lame? Having someone professionally edit your TikToks is a bit of a heresy, imo.

6/10: The Rock

@therockFirst step. First rep. Repeat.Fresh ##ProjectRock in my bio to motivate you ##ThroughTheWork💪🔥♬ ROCKSTAR – DaBaby, Roddy Ricch

Apparently The Rock earns a fair bit from TikTok which is good for him I guess but much like Will Smith all his videos are so smoothly edited they look like ads. Seriously don’t you have better things to do?

What does he do on TikTok? A lot of workout videos. 

Why is that lame? Obviously The Rock is the biggest man alive and I don’t want him to beat me up, but workout TikToks are bad vibes.

6.5/10: Ex Drag Race contestants

@bluhydrangea🌸🎀Kandy Floss Kween🎀🌸 ##cartooncharacter ##fluttereye ##lockdownlewks ##fyp ##foryou ##rpdr ##rupaulsdragrace ##rpdruk ##makeupchallenge ##failchallenge♬ Levitating – Dua Lipa

Better than Love Islanders in every conceivable way and that’s before you even compare their TikToks. True it’s a lot of jump-cut make-up applications but at least they’re not trying to sell you the make-up.

What do they do on TikTok? Re-enact moments from the series they were on.

Why is that lame? Idk man move on with your lives, I guess.

7/10: James Charles

@jamescharlesapparently this is a trend now ##fyp ##piano ##cover♬ original sound – jamescharles

Unlike his YouTuber forefathers, James understands the difference between a good YouTube video and a good TikTok. His vids are usually short, self aware and most importantly he never says “HI SISTERS” at the beginning of them. I call that progress.

What does he do on TikTok? Shows off his nice house.

Why isn’t that lame? It’s a nice house tbf.

8/10: Mariah Carey

@mariahcareyCleaning our hands to 20 seconds of Ol’ Dirty Bastard! ##SafeHands♬ original sound – mariahcarey

Mariah Carey actually understands how to use social media. Like have you seen her Twitter? Her TikToks are similarly really funny. Nothing. Bad. To. Say.

What does she do on TikTok? Washes her hands for 20 seconds with her kids soundtracked by her own songs.

Why isn’t that lame? In this climate we stan a responsible queen.

8.5/10: The Jonas Brothers

@jonasbrothersDon’t be rude!♬ ThE JONAs BROTHerS USED MY SOUnd – crustyegirl

You have to hand it to the boys, who have managed to make their nostalgic brand of bantoir seem very genuine. The clip of them reenacting Camp Rock scenes is gold.

What do they do on TikTok? Lip sync to audio from Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Why is this not lame? Mad how when you’re not an actual Kardashian it’s way funnier!

9/10: Jason Derulo

@jasonderuloI’m losing my head 🤯 🎥@davidstrib♬ Sunday Best – Surfaces

I could write an anthology about how Jason Derulo’s TikToks make me feel and reader I confess I’m worried this little paragraph couldn’t ever do him justice. The overriding sentiment you get from watching the Derulo on TikTok is that he just does not give a fuck. Maybe one day he’ll bake a cake and fill the interior with so many Skittles your teeth will dissolve if you watch it. Maybe he’ll reenact the Godfather with his dog. The chaotic energy of this man’s TikToks is just off the scale and we have to pay due respect.

What does he do on TikTok? What doesn’t Jason Derulo do on TikTok? The man bakes, he dances, sometimes he makes his disembodied head inch its way up his banisters. Hand on heart you can’t tell me anyone else has this range.

Why isn’t that lame? Look you will probably see a fair few people on Twitter making fun of Jason Derulo’s TikToks because – a bit like Olly Murs – there’s the lingering sense that yeah he’s a bit past it. A fair argument, sure, but if you’re going to put yourself out there on TikTok you have to be prepared to put yourself way way out there, and Jason does just that. Ergo, not lame.

10/10: Ashley Tisdale

@ashleytisdaleSheila refused to get out of my shot♬ Roses – Imanbek Remix – SAINt JHN

It is impossible to explain why Ashley is allowed to be on TikTok. She’s one of us and high key I would die for her.

What does she do on TikTok? Some cute dances, maybe the odd High School Musical reenactment.

Why isn’t this lame? If you’ve got a problem with Ashley you can meet me outside Maccies and we can talk about it then.

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