I’m stuck in lockdown with a housemate I’ve slept with and it’s absolutely horrific
I hate past me so much right now
While on a social this year, I was dressed as an angel but committed the cardinal sin: I shagged a housemate.
When you go to uni, shitting where you eat is literally the only thing people tell you not to do, but for me it was surprisingly not awful. It was awkward for day or so, but we stayed good mates and, after the initial chat, never spoke about it again. We got with each other again couple more times this uni year, after nights out. Naturally, the whole house eventually found out, but there was an unspoken rule that people could make hints of jokes about it, but never actually mention it.
Then Boris announced the country was going into lockdown, and shit hit the fan. Some of my housemates had already gone home, but the rest of us realised that we were now stuck at uni for the foreseeable future. Among those still at uni are Joe* and I*.
It had been easy to get along well and semi-avoid each other while we had a house full of other people to distract us, nights out to go on and the library to escape to. It’s a whole different kettle of fish when you’re suddenly trapped in a house BY LAW with only half your housemates there, and you really can’t be arsed to do your uni work because it doesn’t matter any more. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, and stuck inside with the same five people for an indefinite amount of time? Not the most ideal situation at the best of times, but even less so when one of those people you’re stuck with has seen you naked and maybe-sort-of hates you.
This is what it’s like to be stuck in lockdown with a housemate you’ve shagged. Believe me, it’s a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
*For the purposes of this article I am pretending our names are Joe and Rosie. I’m sure you can understand why.
Any time you get too close together the vibe immediately changes
You’re making dinner in the kitchen together and getting along alright. You’re mates! He definitely hasn’t seen your nipples! Everything’s FINE!!!
Then it’s time to put Netflix on. Joe usually waits to see which sofa I choose before he sits down, so he can make sure he doesn’t have to be anywhere near me. A couple of times I’ve sat next to him and he’s literally moved sofas. Or, the only seat left is the one next to me, and he’s sat on the floor or on someone else’s lap. I wish I was joking.
There are other times, like when he’ll hug all our other housemates apart from me, or put his feet on a chair just so he doesn’t have to rest them on my legs if we’re all on the sofa. I try and treat him how I treat the others in the house, because I think that’s way less obvious and awkward, but he defo thinks otherwise.
You try to avoid being alone together at all costs
Yes, there are only a handful of people in the entire world you’re now allowed to be with, and he’s one of them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be together. Oh no, quite the opposite – he will avoid you at all costs.
On more than one occasion, Joe has asked me if I fancy a walk, either directly or via asking the whole house. Every single time without fail, when I’ve said I’ll go with him, he suddenly remembers he promised his mum he’d phone her. I think he asks without thinking, then realises who I am and thinks I’d take the opportunity to try and *talk* to him.
If you do venture outside together, for exercise or to go to the shops, you just know everyone’s thinking you two are a couple. You look nothing like siblings, he definitely doesn’t look old enough to be your dad, and you know old people will forget housemates are a thing that exists.
You sometimes consider shagging them again purely out of boredom
Look. We have nothing, and I mean NOTHING, else to do. Everyone’s super horny in self-isolation, having to resort to texting their ex, sexting and phone sex, and going on (far more wholesome) FaceTime first dates. Instead of breaking the lockdown rules for a shag, like some people are, it seems a pretty ideal situation to be trapped in a house with someone you’re shagging.
That is, until you take the awkwardness into account, and when you realise that your other housemates would most probably hear it and most definitely kill you. Imagine if you two started arguing: The whole house is trapped with you so would also get dragged into the middle of the shit storm you’ve made. They would hate you forever.
In a few more weeks I’ll probably be so bored that I end up doing it, though. Teehee, oops x
Whenever sex comes up in a conversation it’s unbearably awkward
You can’t ever have house chats about sex – and if you do, it will be about the others, nothing to do with either of your pasts. There are times when he’ll go to say something about his ex but then stop himself, as if I’d somehow mind. Conversations about relationships and what people do and don’t look for in partners feel loaded, as if you’re listing qualities that are in each other. You know all your other housemates know what you’re thinking, too, so it feels super uncomfortable.
Sex scenes in films and on TV are something you have to make awkward jokes about at the best of times, but when you’re watching them with someone you’ve shagged it’s fully unbearable. You end up going to the loo, loudly making cups of tea for everyone or having random conversations to try and cover it up.
It makes for very awkward games nights
Quizzes about your housemates or funny house memories are off-limits. Playing Psych feels like playing with fire – who knows what could come up? “What do you love about Rosie?” (his answer: “Nothing”) and “What is Joe hiding his secret feelings about?” are some highlights we’ve had to deal with. Even seemingly innocent questions aren’t safe: Your housemates all love to stir the pot and make sly jokes about it, so we’ve both been featured as answers to each other’s questions more times than I care to count.
Anything sexual in Cards Against Humanity is super awkward. You can’t even play normal drinking games like Never Have I Ever: When it gets to my turn, the only one I can ever come up with is “never have I ever shagged a housemate”, which obviously I can’t say. This means you all end up watching a lot of Netflix and barely ever playing fun games.
You’re stuck in a weird limbo, somewhere between enemies and an old married couple
We all get annoyed with our friends and housemates, but when you’ve shagged someone, a) there’s far more about them that pisses you off, and b) you feel more entitled to show your anger. These tensions are only exacerbated when you’re in isolation with someone and literally cannot escape them.
Equally, you go Tesco with them to do the entire house’s big shop, fighting off the panic-buyers together to make sure you all have enough penne and jars of Tikka Masala sauce to last the week. You eat your cornflakes with them on the daily, accidentally walk in on their family FaceTimes, and put on a joint white wash with them. You’re currently the ugliest you’ve ever been and haven’t washed your hair all week, but you don’t even care that he’s seeing (and smelling) you at your worst.
You swing between these two extremes, but sometimes (just sometimes) you two manage to actually get along well and have a decent conversation, like way back when you were just good mates who hadn’t shagged each other. Ah, happy memories!