This is every single person you will encounter during lockdown

Lockdown has made us into shells of our former selves. As a result of trying to cling onto a semblance of sanity, we’ve adopted stereotype style personalities and fallen victim to our new obsessive lockdown hobbies. They define us. Never done a yoga class before? Surprise. You’re a Yogi now. Haven’t touched a game console since you were 16? You now spend every waking moment playing Animal Crossing and The Sims. Had a healthy relationship with alcohol before? HA. No more.

As well as becoming these people, we also have to observe them, and live with them (if you’re lucky enough to have avoided being locked down alone). Your Insta feeds are full of banana bread bakers, YouTube channel makers, TikTokkers and sourdough starters. And now you’ve got a text from your ex, great.

In lieu of this all being over, let’s at least get a nice dopamine kick out of pure relatability. Just to feel something.

The up and coming Bake Off star

Their Instagram has gone from them being drunk on a night out in Spoons downing woowoos, to pictures of them holding up Creme Egg brownies, carrot cakes and millionaire shortbreads.

The banana bread maker

Different from the up and coming baker as this person makes one thing and one thing only, banana bread. They always say how crap they are at baking but love to show off their new found loaf love on Instagram. Their accompanying caption is always a comment about their vegan banana bread being a great example of using up all the leftover ingredients in their cupboard and a dig at stockpilers.

The undeniable slut for Instagram challenges

These bad lads take up 90 per cent of your goddamn feed with pictures of them as a child, pictures of them making ugly faces playing sports, tagging their pics “until tomorrow.” OKAY WE GET IT you’re really bored and you literally don’t have any hobbies outside of checking your phone every five minutes. That’s okay but please, please just download The Sims or learn to knit.

The TikTokker

Thought TikTok was for 16 year olds before the lockdown. Now they are obsessed, have learnt all the TikTok dances, have tried to make their own viral dance video, and spend literally every waking hour thinking about how to get TikTok famous. Charli D’ameli-no.

The quiz master

This person has been furloughed, and frankly is absolutely buzzing off it. They now get to spend the next two months messaging several group chats asking if anyone wants to play a “quick quiz” on Houseparty – this person is quite literally always in the House.

Alongside this, they’re the one curating the weekly Zoom quiz. They take this very seriously, as it’s their only job right now. And you know what? They do a smashing job.

The runners

Look, I’m going to say it now: joggers and runners are the worst people in this pandemic. They have no sense of spatial awareness and think the two meter rule doesn’t apply to them, just because they’re moving at 10mph. They’re arrogant, and have situated themselves in the same category as cyclists: dickheads. Their sweat and spit is flying around everywhere, and if there’s one group of people we should all be pointing our fingers at, it’s the fucking runners.

The boys shaving their heads, growing out beards or getting really bad haircuts

Gotta keep yourself entertained somehow I guess.

The “five o’clock means wine time!” person

When the government started ramping up the restrictions, there was only one thing this person wanted to stockpile, and that was wine. They cleared the rose aisle, even the cheap nasty stuff you would only reserve for when you wanted to get messy drunk and have a little cry. Now every night, they have a glass at 5pm. A bit like an alcoholic.

Vincent Van Gogh, 2020

When you look back to GCSE Art, and the B grade you secured, you have fond memories of being quite good at drawing. You think you understand perspective and colours, and confidently ordered some supplies off Amazon like it was something you do on the regular – like art has always been your hobby. Oils, watercolours, fancy pens in hand, you start drawing the bowl of peppers you so delicately organised, and quite quickly realise you are really, really, really terrible at drawing, and if anyone was to see this literal piece of garbage you just produced, you’d probably rather die.

IDGAF crew: Supermarket edition

A very specific type of person who thinks the supermarket is some kind of mystical place, where the social distancing guidelines do not apply. This person, and at least two others, can all be found hovering around the olive oil aisle for a longer time than necessary, shoulder to shoulder, excited by the fact there is now not only extra virgin oil available (finally, thank god), but also garlic infused, chilli and balsamic also. They turn to their fellow stranger, spluttering all their germs and saliva in their face to share their excitement, while a group of 10 or so people patiently wait behind for their turn.

The one who is worryingly up to date with the news

Does this person work for the government? Well they should, because they seem to know more than anyone at this point. They have Google Alerts set up for everything coronavirus related, do hourly checks on the death counts, will regularly share posts on Facebook and will be the first to inform you with any crucial (not at all crucial) information.

The new-found gardener

Years of being forced by your parents to watch Alan Titchmarsh on the TV as a child have finally paid off, as you’re now buying coriander seeds, tomato plants, sweet peas and basil, all to somehow plant in your tiny little weed-ridden garden. You’ve splashed out on some pots, a trowel and special gardening gloves, and yet you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. You cast your mind back to growing cress in primary school – how hard can it be?

Your ex

Not even the whole country being in lockdown can keep your slimy little ex popping up into the DMs “just to check how you are”. Sure pal, you’re fooling NO ONE.

But yes, I will send you a nude later.

Dads forwarding questionable memes

Uh oh, why does dad suddenly think COVID-19 means the rest of the family WhatsApp wants to be forwarded his old school 4chan-esque memes which are usually reserved for his 50-year-old friend male group chat? They’re coming in hot every hour, with roughly a 30 per cent success rate of being actually funny. Most shockingly he’s forwarding on TikToks, but it’s not worth your time asking where he got it from, or then trying to explain to mum piping up asking what “Tok Tik”’ is.

Parents, grandparents and anyone not young on video call apps talking to you through their nostril

“Can you see me yet??? I can’t see you???”
“How do I get to see your face??”
“There’s now a little exclamation point on your face, does this mean your phone has broken?”
“This is amazing isn’t it! How clever is this!”
“Can you see me???????????”
“How did you do this, can you show me?”
“How does it know we’re all here??”
“Is my whole face in the picture?”

And so on.

The one who wants to start a podcast

Or a YouTube channel, either apply. If you’re living with them, they’ll casually start dropping “maybe I should start a podcast” every few days as a “joke”. But then this very funny “joke” will become so regular that you feel compelled to answer with the compulsory “yeah why not!” and they will actually. Start. A. Podcast. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s quite a nice thing to do in such dire times, but the problem with being friends with a podcast maker is that you will now have the obligation to listen to that podcast, and share that podcast, and tell them that podcast was a good idea. At least when we get out of lockdown and they leave it to the dust, you’ll know you were right.

The couple self-isolating together who only just met

Just why?

The couple self-isolating together who are definitely going to break up during lockdown

Sorry for your loss x

And finally, the couple self-isolating together who are posting lots of insufferable content on TikTok and Instagram

How pleasant it is for you to be essentially shacked up in a shag pad for the next two months in lockdown. This is the best thing that’s happened to you: Whilst everyone else is moaning and stressing, you’re in a healthy cycle of cooking breakfast together, morning sex, learn a new TikTok dance (and send to all of your contacts hehe!), taking some selfies, doing a work out together (don’t forget to post it!), making banana bread together (at least 100 likes on the gram), more sex, then “Netflix and chill x” on the Insta story.

The one who’s on Facetime all day, every day

Whether it’s their nan, their mates from uni or their mum in the other room, they have to be on FaceTime at all times in their day. They walk around the house mid-call, they make dinner whilst chatting to a mate, they even FT during family film night. They have the same six people on a rota and every single day it’s the same conversation – “Another day in quarantine, hey? There must be a vaccine soon. They say this could go on for at least a year. Tomorrow morning is the day I start my workout programme. Got another call now, bye, luv ya.”

Boris Johnson’s number one fan

This person is sat waiting by the TV for any new announcements from the big man. They favourite all his tweets and pat themselves on the back for voting Tory. Anytime COVID-19 gets brought up at the dinner table, they quickly jump to Bojo’s defense with “I think he’s done a great job here, don’t know anyone who could’ve done it better. He’s really brought everyone together like a true leader amidst a war!!”

The one who’s doing long distance and won’t shut up about it

Oh my God, we get it. You have an other half, you miss them, it’s all very sweet. But coronavirus is not your Love In The Time Of The Cholera and I am FED UP of hearing you talk about it like it is. Everyone knows the single people are getting the worse end of the stick right now, so just be grateful that you’ve got a guaranteed shag and source of human affection when you get out of this, because us sad sacks don’t.

The slob who hasn’t showered since lockdown began

This person’s realised that they have no interest in looking nice or even maintaining personal hygiene if they’re staying inside all day. Showers? Who needs them when only your family and God can judge you. They’re almost testing how rancid they can get during this whole process and can’t wait for the insane transformation they’ll go through on the first day of freedom.

The one who has religiously taken up reading

They will post on their Instagram story every single day another picture of a book they have completed with something like “oh my god thank you for the recommendation” then tag one of their pals from uni. They constantly talk about books and how reading has “saved them” during isolation. We get it, you can read.

They have definitely started a book club, too.

The butterfly who will emerge from quarantine the absolute best version of themselves

Unlike most of us, this person is going to use these upcoming months of lockdown for all the right reasons. Gyming everyday, yoga, healthy eating, mindfulness, learning two new languages and three new instruments, reading a book a day, flawless skincare – the list goes on.

Whilst the rest of us crawl out of isolation as mere shells of our past selves, this person has abs, flawless skin, a tan (somehow?!) and an incredible array of new-found skills.

The one who literally cannot stop playing The Sims

It’s all they talk about. Daisy just had a baby and Kyle died in the pool “accidentally”. Christian’s mood is “sad” because he set the oven on fire cooking Fish Tacos, and fml why is Ryan not caring more about the tomato plants you asked him to harvest? No mum, I can’t FaceTime right now, I have to practice my speech in the mirror for at least 10 hours and the child is going to play the guitar until he’s a virtuoso.

Your sibling

They’re a fucking pain in the arse and you’ve had enough.

The housemate who says they’re “really busy” even though they have no work to do

They haven’t been furloughed yet, but boy are they living like it! You ask them to do a small, menial task – empty the dishwasher, put the towels in the washing machine, get out of bed – but no, they can’t right now they have “a lot on” and “will see if they can get round to it later”. PLEASE.

The one who believes every Whatsapp voice note and message they get forwarded from a ‘reliable source’

“This was forwarded by a nurse working in the ICU-” stop. It’s not real, Dad. And no, they’re not building a massive lasagna in Wembley. And yes, if you click on that BBC link saying Trump has coronavirus you will see a man with a massive penis. How have you not LEARNED?

Just some actually decent people

The volunteers, the medical staff working on the front line, the people who have to leave their homes to go out and do essential work – we stan.

The one who lived and breathed Glasto 2020, and now has nothing to live and breathe for

Yes your festivals were cancelled – boo fucking hoo. I’m afraid you’re just going to have to suck it up and accept you’ll be dressed in joggers for the rest of the year like the rest of us. Despite the fact ordering clothes online is crap for the environment and the safety of the people producing them. It’s not even for a little self esteem boost anyway, this gal is doing it because it is what she actively enjoys. We’re in a pandemic, Lauren. It can wait.

The Facetime shaggers

It is their time at last. No longer do they even have to pretend they want to forge an emotional connection with the object of their Tinder messages – they can just skip straight to the good stuff. Firing off dickpics and thot shots to each other like they’re in limited supply. Soon they’ll start getting creative, like painting funny faces on their knobs, or recording sexy voice notes while doing a Yoda impression. Simply put, these people do not deserve to have sex when they leave lockdown.

The ones who are leaving the house to shag anyway

See this is very naughty – not in a sexy naughty way, just like a ‘you probs shouldn’t do this if you don’t want to be a prick’ kind of way. “What’s Boris gonna do? Arrest me?” They’ll say. You won’t reply. You’ll just go and have a wank like a sensible person.

The ghost

You haven’t heard from them at all since lockdown, not sure if they’re still around.

The one who’s really not enjoying this and needs you all to know about it

We all hate lockdown, we all want our lives back – but none so much as this person, also known as the “whiner” who religiously talks about missing the pub, missing their mates, missing this that and everything. They haven’t made an attempt to make peace with lockdown, they’re a blinds-closed, Netflix all day kinda quarantiner and will scoff at any suggestion of booking reading or yoga. Stressy, depressy, and always wearing PJs kinda dressy. They’ll be retweeting all of the best lockdown depression memes though, so at least they’re good for something.

The fitness gurus

If you live with one of these people you have two options: Become them, or hate every second of living with them. You either buy into their smoothie, online class, Peloton loving lifestyle or you narrow your eyes at them every time their stupidly toned, slender ass walks out of the room. It’s sink or swim.

The one who’s spending more screen time on Tinder than any other app

Admit it, those conversations are fucking boring, you have no idea how long they’re going to go on for, and you’re just doing this because you want that adrenaline rush of knowing someone likes you without actually having to do anything. And then you’ll realise after three weeks of dead chat that you actually have zero intention of seeing them post-lockdown.

Mums who are secretly loving this

“Seems like it’s only getting worse, doesn’t it?” she says to you every day when the figures get released, barely concealing her smile. All her chickens have come back to roost and it only took a global pandemic to get them here, but she doesn’t care. She’s panic bought enough pasta and loo roll for an army, and stocked the fridge like it’s the Christmas and Easter hols combined. They say the dogs are going to have bad separation anxiety come the end of lockdown – but think of the mums.

The Masterchef no one asked for

Okay maybe Instagram challenges weren’t for you, but cooking has now become the funnel for all the time you now have because of the job you cba to get. Yes mate well done you made a quiche. I could make a fucking quiche if I wanted to I just. Don’t. Want. To.

The one who doesn’t understand what two metres is

I’m sorry but it’s literally in the news every single day you that need to just stay two metres away from everyone when you’re in a queue or on the street. It’s not that difficult people. It’s literally the easiest thing you can do and yet despite everyone being told the same information these people will stand right behind you in the queue, probably start coughing and then when you move away they give you a dirty look as if you’ve royally offended them.

The ones using lockdown to post throwback bikini pics

“When we could still go outside”, “I miss summer”, “Tb to normality” are a few of their typical captions for their blatant thirst trap bikini photos. Pictured in a totally naturally pose, with an equally naturally tan in their teeniest bikinis. We’re all depressed enough at it is and we don’t need to see how fit you looked last summer on your Croatia boat party.

Animal Crossing players

All they talk about is Tom fucking Nook. I don’t know who he is but I wish he’d fuck off.

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