‘I’m no longer accepting cash’: How drug dealers are adapting to coronavirus

They’re handling this whole thing better than I am ngl

4 years ago

Life is not normal. Enjoyment is thin on the ground. In the coming weeks and months, delivery drivers of all stripes will keep the country afloat.

But one kind of delivery driver is innovating, adapting, and overcoming. A little pandemic isn’t going to stop your weed man dropping you a bag. And of course, working in an illegitimate industry, dealers are hardly eligible for statutory sick pay. The hustle must go on.

So drug dealers are coming up with creative ways to see themselves through the coronavirus crisis. With help from Instagram’s @shottatexts, we’ve rounded up the best the weed men of the nation can come up with. You wouldn’t want to self-isolate sober, would you?

They’re offering any kind of deal they can think of to help people through self-isolation

Just as mutual aid groups are springing up across the country, with neighbours eager to lend a hand to those in need, dealers are doing their bit to ease to burden for their customers. One dealer has offered a special discount to anybody self-isolating:

Boredom is sure to set in, and others are simply trying to help the time go faster. “This bitch ass Coronavirus is drivin the nation wild,” one dealer texts. “So make sure u do ur part n quarantine ur self. But have no fear! While u doing that I got a list of things that can make this weekend go so much faster;”

But of all the deals, the one the nation needs most isn’t a discount. It’s a freebie: loo roll. From this dealer, who promises both banging and big draws, for every 3.5 you buy you get a free toilet roll. It won’t be long before Karen from Tunbridge Wells is buying ounces of weed to ensure her stocks of bog roll remain full.

As deals go, “toilet roll on tick” isn’t a bad one.

They’re taking some pretty innovative precautions

It was only yesterday government advice extended beyond wash your hands and don’t cough on people, and small businesses now fret about the consequences of going beyond government advice. Shutting up shop if the government hasn’t mandated it could mean losing money. Yet the dealers of the country aren’t being so cautious, and instead choose to take measures of their own accord.

Some are being over-cautious with making sure customers don’t have the dreaded “King Corona”.

Some have stopped accepting cash transactions altogether, and asking customers to “designate a safe place where I can leave your order so that we do not have to make contact”.

Others are taking hygiene a step further and wiping down the bag with 100 pure alcohol.

Meanwhile, some are going the extra mile and arranging safe drop-offs to avoid coming into contact with someone vulnerable. Of course, whether you should be bunning the dankest amnesia haze in a house with someone vulnerable to respiratory illnesses is another question.

They’re acting as vital public information services in a time of global uncertainty

Not everybody sits around avidly consuming news. You’d assume people still intent on the sesh fall into this group. So it’s heartening that dealers aren’t just sliding into their inboxes with offers, but with advice.

Last week, French officials were forced to tell the public that, no, doing cocaine doesn’t protect you from coronavirus. Naturally, as frontline workers in this particular information battle, it falls to retailers to communicate these warnings to their customers.