German-speakers reveal what’s actually being said in *that* weird TikTok

There are a lot of reasons you might want to speak German. Maybe you want to open a door to the world of Friedrich Schiller or E.T.A. Hoffmann? Maybe you want to be able to order food in a German restaurant without looking like a tool? Or perhaps you want a really fit German boyfriend?

Sadly these are all bad reasons to want to learn German, because the only reason anyone should ever learn another language is to watch TikToks made in that language.

Case in point: look at this TikTok of a very sassy German legend somehow managing to convey an air of effortless planet-ruling sass without speaking a single word you or I understand.

10/10 I’m sure you’ll agree. But what are the people in these videos (and there are other videos, my friend) actually saying? Well I can tell you the star’s name is Jonas. I asked people who speak German to answer that question for me:

EXHIBIT A

Girl: ‘Look what a beauty I am’

Jonas: Oh my godddd

Jonas: How many ex-boyfriends do you have, bitch?

Girl: I’m far too young, I’m not allowed a boyfriend

Jonas: Oh my godddd – Ratatata!

Hussain: Bitch, how many ex-boyfriends do you have?

Girl: I don’t have an ex-boyfriend yet, bitch

Jonas: Oh my goddd

Hussain: *clicks tongue*

EXHIBIT B

@hussainchilltKiss or Slap girl ?❤️#foryou insta: hussain_chillt #viral ich liebe euch Girls alle?♬ Originalton – hussainchillt

Hussain: Kiss or slap baby girl

Girl: You stink… [slaps him]

Jonas: Ah! Hussain: Kiss or slap baby girl

Girl: I’ll kiss you both, you’re so cute

Hussain: Omg thank you… but I’m slapping you bitch

EXHIBIT C

@hussainchilltI love my Dadys my superhero’s ❤️?#foryou #comedy insta: hussain_chillt♬ Originalton – hussainchillt

Jonas: I love my daddies! My superheroes!

Hussain: Come on now [ahhh noises]

EXHIBIT D

@hussainchilltDas ist Jonas und lebt bei seine Eltern?❤️#foryou #comedy insta: hussain_chillt♬ Originalton – hussainchillt

Hussain: Hello, this is Jonas. Jonas is 20 and still lives with his mother.

Jonas: Mum, will you drive me to work?

Hussain as mother: Yes, let’s go to work, come on!

Hussain: And that was the story of lovely Jonas. I hope you have a nice day

EXHIBIT E

@hussainchilltJonas hat sich ein neues Auto gekauft ❤️#foryou insta: hussain_chillt♬ Originalton – hussainchillt

Hussain: Hello, this is Jonas and Jonas has bought himself a new car

Jonas: Hello, I’m Jonas, I’m 24 years old and I’ve treated myself to a Mercedes Benz

Tall guy: Jonas, get out of my car, I need to get bread rolls. Bitch. You must be crazy!

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