Imagining the winter Love Islanders on a big ol’ night out

Can you imagine how much more entertaining Love Island would be if rather than prance about in slow motion to shitty Craig David remixes like they’re in an incredibly lame music video the Islanders were let loose on a proper classic night out? The answer is it would be really really good, like way better than it is now.

Sadly there’s no chance of that happening, so instead, we’ll have to imagine what they’d be like if they all got together for a bangin’ pre-drinks and a lairy night out.

Who would go too hard at pres and have to go home? Who would pull in under 20 minutes? Who’s getting a mighty bucket from KFC after the night ends, and who’s chowing down on doner meat? You’ll find the answers to these questions below:

Paige

There is no doubt Paige would be an absolute riot on a night out, the banterous blood runs through her Scottish veins.

She’s arguably the least problematic Islander and a gal’s gal through and through. Need to get away from a creepy guy? Call Paige. Hair needs holding back? Paige is on it. Ripped your dress? Paige would probably take hers off to give to you.

If her old Facebook pics are anything to go on, a night out with Paige would be epic, and the hungover chats the morning after even better. You’d just better hope no Lewis Capaldi remixes come on.

Drink of choice: “Do you do Buckfast?”

Where in the club you would find them: Smack bang in the middle of the dance floor.

Post night out food order: Chips with cheese and gravy.

Callum

‘Saturdays are for The Boys™,’ says Callum as he waxes his hair until it shines, dons his smartest shirt and heads off into the night to delete a dozen Carlings before passing out and being dragged home by his mates. Every. Single. Week.

Drink of choice: A big healthy beer.

Where you’ll find him: In the middle of the floor fist-pumping with the lads, safety in numbers.

Post-night-out food: Callum’s mate Dave (he has a mate called Dave obviously) will poke chips into his drooling gob while the rest of The Boys™ eat their Maccies.

Siânnise

She never fails to request Beyoncé’s ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight’ or some other Disney rendition after a couple of drinks. She lets her friends gas her up before approaching a guy who’s clearly dancing with someone else.

In the smoking area she asks the guy whether he’s looking for anything serious, like maybe a long-term girlfriend? Gets offended when the Uber driver mispronounces her name.

Drink of choice: Shots of Malibu.

Where in the club would you find them: The centre of the cheese room belting out all the lyrics to every song.

Post night out food order: Late-night gelato, asks for a strawberry milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry.

Nas

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Always on good form, flashing a smile at everyone he knows. The bouncer lets him in for free because he’s so lovable. Girls open up to him because they see him as a friend, and for this reason, he knows the tea.

He busts mad moves on the edge of the dance floor that sadly go unnoticed. Spends an hour eyeing up the tanned brunette he likes but never actually approaches out of fear she’ll reject him.

Drink of choice: Red Bull.

Where in the club would you find them: Talking to a girl (that’s a friend) at the bar.

Post night out food order: A big wrap.

The twins

On a night out you can find the twins in the middle of the club, holding hands whilst dancing and maybe pulling out a synchronised dance routine if they’ve been bought enough tequilas.

Later on, you’ll find one of them sobbing with a security guard as they’re being kicked out for throwing a drink on someone. The other twin will probably start crying saying “I don’t know how I’ll survive in this club without you.”

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What they’re drinking: Pink gin and lemonade.

Where you’d find them: Giggling away in the VIP section with some budget music producer who is whispering in their face are he can make the girls stars with his new music video.

Post-night our food order: Probably won’t order their own food – just steal someone else’s chips.

Connor

Listen, Connor may have dropped a couple of grand on those snazzy veneers but no way he’s paying high-end club prices on drinks. Regardless, he’ll be complaining about that £5 entry to Pryzm all week.

They say don’t mix your liquor but lucky for Connor, he’s got no enamel on his teeth for his stomach bile to damage. We wonder how those pearly whites look under a black light, probably blinding all the girls he’s kicked off at for being remotely friendly with other boys.

Despite his bad-boy act, breaking up with his ex of three years just seven weeks ago for the winter season, he’ll sip on VK and Smirnoff Ice all night. VK Tropical Fruits is god tier, but Connor won’t stray from the porta-potty shade of VK Blue. He’ll try and convince his mates the sugar gets him drunk faster, but really he just likes the taste.

Drink of choice: VK Blue.

Where you’ll find him: On the balcony, arms outstretched.

Post night out food order: A Chicken Legend from Maccies and several Fantas.

Mike

Despite not getting much airtime on this season of Love Island, you can be sure he commands the room at pres. No amount of cheap cider will deter him from the king cup; when he inevitably loses a game of ring of fire he initiated. If he even makes it out, he’ll be asleep in the Uber within seconds and getting him to look sober enough to get past club bouncers will be a Herculean feat in itself.

Drink of choice: Rum and coke.

Where you’ll find him: On any kind of podium, de-staging the ladies with his superior twerking skill.

Post night out food order: Two burgers, triple fries, and probably your nuggets as well.

Shaughna

Ten minutes into the night out a girl looks at her man the wrong way and it’s all downhill from there. She drags her boyfriend to the smoking area to ask him why he’s flirting with other women in front of her face and before he can come up with an answer she’s storming back inside, flanked by her girls, telling them she’s “’ad enough.”

She’ll head to the bathroom to dab away the angry tears, reapply her lipgloss, and then down three vodka cranberries at the bar. She’ll get up on a podium and dance hand-in-hand with her girlfriends to show her boyfriend just how chill and relaxed she is about the whole thing. Until she notices he hasn’t even rung her once to check she’s okay and so she storms out to the smoking area to locate him and tell him how immature he is before threatening to rip the false eyelashes off the next girl who breathes in his vicinity.

Drink of choice: Vodka cranberry.

Where in the club would you find them: Smoking area trying to ring her boyfriend.

Post night out food order: Chips with loads of mayo.

Rebecca

“Is that your girlfriend?” she’ll ask, stifling a coquettish laugh and jabbing an acrylic nail at your poor, loyal girlfriend. “How long have yous been together like?”

Rebecca knows she’s fit and it’s annoying. She knows she can take your man or at least get his heart racing and that’s just what she’ll do – she’ll do a lap of the club just so everyone can see how devastatingly hot she is and then linger around at the bar waiting to hoover up taken men.

Naturally, girlfriends will make a beeline for their boyfriends once they spy Rebecca honing in on them, resulting in a brief spat which ends with Rebecca tossing her hair and muttering “God, this is why I’m not friends with girls, they’re so much drama.”

Drink of choice: Vodka and lemonade, but she’s never bought herself a drink in her life.

Where in the club would you find them: At the bar trying to steal literally everyone’s man.

Post night out food order: Rebecca is ‘one of the lads’ so she’ll get a double cheeseburger with fries and guzzle it down in minutes, responding to cries of “but how do you stay so skinny???” with “I just have a fast metabolism, I guess” and neglecting to mention that she’ll be spending five hours in the gym tomorrow.

Connagh

Connagh is an interesting one, his fuckboy exterior somewhat contrasting with the kind of person he has been so far. This being said, he definitely has a fuckboy side to him and in the club you’d be sure to find this lad balancing his time spent chatting and grinding. He’s the kind of guy who would suggest going elsewhere if one of his mates got turned back by the bouncers but would spend the whole night with girls rather than his pals anyway.

Drink of Choice: Vodka Red Bull.

Where in the club? On the dance floor, flexing his muscles.

After food? Doner – to get as much protein as possible to help keep the gains in tip-top shape.

Sophie

Sophie is a liability. I mean look at those dimples – those are not the dimples of a person who can handle their booze. Sophie is battered after exactly 2.5 drinks, whereupon she becomes group co-ordinator – somehow managing to drunkenly organise three Ubers without paying for a single one herself. Sophie then spends the rest of the night becoming best friends with everyone in the club before she makes the inevitable trip to el baño to spew.

Where you’ll find her: Sophie goes walkies. You’ll never find her.

Drink of choice: Tequilaaaaaaaa.

Post night out food: Sophie wants cheesy chips and if you don’t get her cheesy chips she will literally cry.

Leanne

Have you ever seen the video to On The Floor by JLo, where she sits on a throne overlooking everyone else getting rowdy? That’s Leanne. She’ll sip on precisely two mixers throughout the whole night, maybe (if she feels so inclined) she’ll invite a boy to attempt a feeble chirpse, but then get bored of him and banish him to the sweaty dance floor where he belongs. Leanne will wake up the next day, phone full of absolutely flames Insta pics, and nary a trace of a hangover.

Drink of choice: Single vodka lemonade.

Where you’ll find her: In a booth, preferably of the VIP variety.

Post night out food: Are you kidding? The next thing she’ll eat after a night out will be a nutritious breakfast, thank you very much.

The Lukes

Say what you will about the Lukes but they’re definitely…two boys on Love Island with the same name (what do you want from me???). Luke T is the cheeky one, and will probably pull using a chat-up line he’s been using his whole way through Loughborough Uni. Luke M on the other hand, fades into the background, he ‘can’t pull in clubs’ you see, as he’ll tell you with increasing frequency the more he drinks.

Drinks of choice: Snakebite for Luke T, Malibu and Fanta fruit twist for Biebs.

Where you’ll find them: In the smoking area because ‘it’s the best part of the night out’ i.e. they’re crap dancers.

Post-night-out food: They’ll share several pizzas, and keep some of it for breakfast the next day. The wrong’uns.

Here’s some more Love Island stuff for you, you little trash goblin, you:

• It’s time to admit Love Island is total garbage now

• Love Island Gossip Column: Sophie storms out the villa?! Plus Mike’s police investigation revealed

• How good would the winter Love Island boys be in bed? The definitive ranking