How good would the winter Love Island boys be in bed? The definitive ranking

Nas is just happy to be there tbh

Imagine for a minute that you, a lethargic turdpile watching Love Island in your PJs while inhaling a Deliveroo curry, get to shag someone who’s spent every waking moment benching their own body weight in the gym. Would it be any good?

The reason I’m asking this is because if the cast of winter Love Island 2020 aren’t going to shag each other in the villa, we may as well wonder what they would be like shagging us in our imaginations.

After a detailed analysis of their chat, aura, and some other arbitrary stuff, we’ve created the definitive ranking of which ones would show you a good time and which ones would leave you sad and disappointed. Let’s have it:

Nas 1/10

Oh Nas. Nas is just happy to be there, tbh. He’ll slink into your boudoir with a big ol’ smile on his adorable face, so excited to shag he’ll forget to do foreplay and immediately proceed with some quality press-up style bonking the likes of which you haven’t experienced since you were in school. Expect him to warn you well in advance he’s going to splooge, groan weirdly when he does, and laugh after he rolls off you. Our short king may be the favourite of a very select group of people, but even if you are one of those your mind will most definitely remain unblown.

Most likely to: Try and make you laugh mid-bone.

What he’ll say straight after: “That was great. Did you cum?”

Go-to sex position: “La position du missionnaire.”

Connor 3/10

There are one of three reasons Connor has shagged over 100 girls in his life: One is that he’s just that good at shagging that the women of his hometown flock to him like some sort of wonder-cock tourist attraction, another is he’s so bad at shagging he has no choice but to continually switch partners. The most probable cause is that his gleaming veneers have some sort of hypnotic quality that basically leaves you too distracted to ask yourself “why am I doing this?” Even if they weren’t there he’d scupper any chance of you finishing by showering you with a few too many weirdly specific compliments about your body.

Most likely to: Give you several hickeys you can’t conceal to mark his territory.

What he’ll say straight after: “So does this mean we’re exclusive?”

Go-to sex position: Doggy.

Callum 5/10

Callum isn’t very good with words you see because he’s a bit simple, bless him. This means there won’t be any dirty talk but there most definitely will be some jackhammering. I mean look at this man – this is a man of one pace and one pace only, and that’s 100 pumps a minute. You better lube up, mate.

Most likely to: Get grossed out by a queef.

What he’ll say straight after: Nothing.

Go-to sex position: Cowgirl.

Finnley 6/10

Finnley is a big man. Like, an unreasonable chonk of a human. Unfortunately, this will not translate into the tell-all-your-mates sex you want it to, but he will give great cuddles. You’re going to be picked up, thrown about, and probably even come if you’re extra lucky. Expect to be thwacked rather than spanked and for him to finish so loudly your housemates laugh about it the next day.

Most likely to: Leave spank marks.

What he’ll say straight after: “Not bad, mate.”

Go-to sex position: Airborne.

Connagh 6.5/10

Connagh-with-a-G is the villa’s gentleman, but in the bedroom, he’ll be a bit more gentle than you would like. He’ll go down on you for aaaaaages and constantly ask you if you’re alright. He’ll definitely make you come more than once, but he won’t give you the choking you really deserve.

Most likely to: Make you cum first.

What he’ll say straight after: “Do you want breakfast?”

Go-to sex position: Reverse cowgirl.

Ollie 8/10

Look Ollie is massively bad vibes for a number of reasons we’re not going to go into now because if you’re thinking about dead animals during sex you’re more of a wrong’un than he is. The real tea here is that Ollie will make you feel like a piece of shit – and you know what? You’re fine with that because in reality you just want to be talked down to by a 23-year-old megatory with more money than sense. You might get tied up and left there for an hour while he has his dinner, you might get hung from a hook on the ceiling, or be made to call him daddy at all times. It will be quite mental sex but once you’ve recovered your self-esteem and realised you are more than just a hole you won’t be going back.

Most likely to: Force your head down onto his schween.

What he’ll say straight after: ”You’ll have to get out before the cleaner comes in.”

Go-to sex position: Anal. 

Mike 9/10

I want you to look at the following pictures of Mike and then have a strong word with yourself if you conclude he’d somehow be a worse shag than the other boys:

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

I mean holy fuck. The real tragedy here is that Mike would obviously be a tremendous power bottom, but you’ll be too shy to ask if you can peg him because you’ll be too intimidated by just how good at sex this man is. The oral will be excellent, the missionary better than it has any right to be, and the dirty talk so good it’s practically ASMR. When you finish (and you will finish) you will probably cry.

Most likely to: Put a finger up your bum.

What he’ll say straight after: “So where are your parents from?”

Go-to sex position: Against the wall.

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