Introducing the ‘lady drawer’, the most cursed picture on the internet today

Remember the police officers who came into school to warn about the dangers of the internet? Well, they should have warned you about the lady drawer.

I’ve seen a lot of shit, but somehow the lady drawer is the worst. It’s doing the rounds on Twitter and is quite something. On first glance, with the caption “I feel like every guy needs a ‘lady drawer’ if you plan on having frequent guests”, it’s benign and considerate. Closer inspection reveals extreme serial killer energy.

And – fucking hell – is that a dildo?

I couldn’t track down the origins of this picture but it might be French.

Frankly, this whole thing reeks of the kind of dumb Reddit advice where people say you should repeat someone’s name back to them a million times in order to appear interested. It’s a calculating attempt at social skills from people who refer to women as femalés. “Frequent guests” is pure computer programmer lexicon for fuckbuddies, too, giving off an excommunicated incel energy that’ll serve only to incept m’lady into instantly calling an Uber.

As a collection of objects, it speaks to the understated terror of everyday objects. Like Hieronymus Bosch trying his hand at a Van Gogh still life. Let’s break it down.

The wipes

Peer closer and there are three different kinds of wipes in the drawer: make up wipes, wet wipes, and mystery wipes. Overkill, some might say; let there not be an unwiped body surface, others might breathily whisper.

Scrunchies

With our “Lady Drawer Detective” (I’m optioning that) hats on, we can see two scrunchies of slightly different colours. Our powers of deduction tell us it’s likely these were therefore left behind.

Going a step further in our analysis, we must ask: is it worse if you bought the items for the lady drawer or if you accumulated them?

Again, the abundance of wipes viewed in this light is a bit weirder.

Hair brush

“Now that we’ve finished shagging, you can brush your hair with bits of hair from other people I’ve shagged.”

Mystery liquids which I think are make-up remover

I think this is make-up remover. One of them could be lube idk. Assuming the former, this is probably the most acceptable item of the collection.

Anyway, so far these are all fine – ish. Trophies from other ladies perhaps, but useful.

With regret, we must move onto the cursed zone. Strap your garlic on.

Tampons

Here we have TWO identical triple packs of pads, tampons, and liners. Somebody has definitely gone out and bought these. Nobody has left these behind. Yes, these are useful, but in concert with the next two items, there’s something horrible about them.

Pregnancy test

“THANK YOU FOR THAT ENJOYABLE SEXUAL CONGRESS, NOW PLEASE CONFIRM WHETHER WE HAVE CREATED LIFE”

Yes, we are going to talk about the community dildo. I’m sorry

In the face of the community dildo, all coherent thoughts are scrambled and properly structured writing is impossible. So here are some brief things which it made me think of:

Imagine satisfying someone so little they actually use this.

If this is a community dildo, what’s worse: the idea it doesn’t get cleaned at all or the idea it gets lovingly cleaned each time?

The fact it is hidden, lurking, like a submarine just breaking the surface of the Baltic Sea.

Despite the community dildo exuding a deep sense of foreboding, there’s not really anywhere else to put your eyes. Everywhere else in the drawer is cursed.

Anyway, moving on to humour to salvage the day, the lady drawer has been rinsed a lot.

It’s given rise to the “fella drawer”, which isn’t half bad.

But most importantly, the world is aware of the pasta drawer, which is probably the only practical way to store the insane amount of pasta I end up making each time.

Please send pictures of your lady/fella/pasta drawers to [email protected]

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Teens are acting out Gavin and Stacey scenes word for word on TikTok and it’s hilarious

• These 29 ‘dumbest reason you got in trouble at school’ memes make me feel old

• ‘My mate fancies you’: The wildest texts people have got from their dealers