What your favourite Celebrations chocolate says about you

Malteasers are for all the basic betches out there

4 years ago

Lucy Woodham, Maddy Mussen & Hayley Soen

Many things can define a person: hometown, family income, career, societal views, education – there’s hundreds of categories that help you decipher what a person is all about. But nothing in this world is more telling than which Celebrations chocolate a person likes the most.

If they go straight in on the Malteasers they’re basic and can’t think for themselves. Galaxy eaters are good crack but ultimately a liability, and the Snickers lovers? Stay clear of them.

This is what your favourite Celebrations chocolate says about you:

GALAXY

A classic, all round good time to be with. The kind of person who never says no to a party and is always there in the middle of the dance floor. If they’re not coming out, the night is already over.

However, they’re prone to getting too drunk and getting too much for everyone. First in the group chat after a night out to say they don’t remember anything and asking how they cracked their phone screen. Loses their keys, has a 4.2 Uber rating and never pays their rent on time.

MALTEASERS

The most basic of the Celebrations box. Goes to Exeter Uni, has blonde hair and owns a horse. Plays lacrosse or hockey, and has “gin lover” in their Bumble profile.

Posts pics of their horse, themselves in wellies and a Barbour, their dog and group shots captioned “messy evenings with the girls” on Instagram. Their Instagram Story is 25 tiles long after a night out. The majority of which are her singing out of tune to Ariana Grande ‘thank u, next’ and Beyonce ‘Crazy in Love’.

Pre-drinks on prosecco (they call it “fizzy!”) and is always well made up – doesn’t feel complete without her nails or fake tan done.

YUM

SNICKERS

Boys who live at home and depend on their mum for everything. Wash their bed sheets every two months, and live in crusty joggers because they’re the comfiest thing to play Call of Duty and FIFA in.

Work as an estate agent, obsesses over their BMW they got on finance, and goes to the gym a lot. Their Tinder profile is made up of gym mirror selfies, and they still start a conversation by sending the peach emoji. Call girls “birds” and their girlfriend “the missus”.

Is part of a few dodgy WhatsApp groups. Likes tweets about how there’s just not enough room in this country for anyone else. Voted Leave.

MARS

Mum of the group. A bit bland but dependable. Not the first person you’d pick for a night out, much like how Mars isn’t your first choice in a box of Celebrations. But if you’re running low and you need someone to fill out numbers, she will always be available and will probably be good quality banter once you’re at the club. You never actively want to choose Mars, but when you do you’re always pleasantly surprised that it’s actually alright.

MILKY WAY

Milky Ways are only fully enjoyed by Soft Bois. Sensitive, shy, these tepid chocolates require a gentle touch otherwise they’ll literally just melt away.

The Milky Way eater wears low top Dr Martens, very very clean white socks, high waisted corduroy trousers, checked shirt, a little tiny beanie hat that doesn’t cover their ears and a Carhartt jacket.

Listens to The Smiths on vinyl and takes pictures on a Fujifilm Instax. Owns a lot of house plants, diffusers and a Persian rug. Is all about the ‘vibe’, which includes but is not limited to fairy lights, soy candles and neutral colour schemes.

Calls himself a feminist in his Hinge bio and makes way too much noise in the bedroom about how he’s all about female pleasure and empowerment (it’s all a ruse).

BOUNTY

The unassuming underdog. Has their shit together, and will be on the property ladder by the age of 25. Actually has savings, maybe even a pension (!) and is doing better than most people at work. They show their true colours in social situations, will be the best person at beer pong and will always be the last one standing.

Lives a wholesome life aside from that. Owns a White Company candle and has white bed sheets. Has had a steady boyfriend for three years. Has a garden in their London flat – unheard of! Will think of some ground-breaking app which allows them to retire at 35.

GALAXY CARAMEL

Thinks they’re edgy, but realistically they’ve just gone to Manchester or Bristol and now have a Depop account. Gets into really heated arguments about incredibly mundane things. Pretends to be a vegan but eats chicken nuggets after a night out. Owns lots of big trainers and big coats. Will moan about how they have no money and how life’s really hard, but get £200 a week from daddy for the ‘essentials’, mainly coke.

TWIX

The girl who texts you in the morning to ask if you’re still coming to the 9am seminar. Drinks rose and her perfect night out is jeans and a nice top to a cocktail bar before coming home at midnight. House nights out scare her.

Loves true crime, and thinks that being attracted to Ted Bundy is okay. Got a BritBox subscription the day it came out. She’s already watched all of Downtown Abbey and is chopping through Call the Midwife.

Owns a pair of UGG slippers and is constantly drinking cups of tea. Says “oo this is nice” when clasping her mug of tea with two hands. Still watches Emmerdale.