Imagining what the Love Islanders would be like on a big night out

Do you want to know something heartbreakingly sad? The Love Islanders only get two drinks a night, maximum. Some of the poor sods have been in there for six weeks now. How on earth have they managed it?

How much more litty would the show be if every night the dress-up montage was followed by a lairy pres and a booziful night on the town? Very litty indeed.

Before you start feeling sorry for these soon-to-be millionaire sponcon peddlers, take a moment to imagine what they would be like on a classic night out… or don't because we've already done it, as you'll see below:

Curtis

Would Curtis be the sort of person who’d modestly hide his ballroom dancing skills on a normie night out? Would he fuck. It would be just like the Dirty Dancing challenge from last week – for the whole night.

Curtis would be genuinely unbearable and I’d bet my entire overdraft he would do that thing where he lifts the girl’s arm hand in the air to force her to twirl.

Drink of choice: "Whatever you're drinking, young lady."

Where in the club would you find them: Showboating in front of as many people as possible

Post night out food order: Curtis drags his friends back into town to the 24 hour Maccies and order a single McFlurry, then demand they split the Uber back to afters. In the Uber he’ll sit in the front, plug in the aux cable and play the Greatest Showman soundtrack. He sings every. single. word.

Maura

There are two Mauras on a night out. Maura number one is a precision chirpse fiend. She’ll find some poor little lamb she can bend to her will and snare him in the smoking area with her relentless horniness. The little man will probably not survive the force of the encounter.

Maura number two is post heartbreak Maura and she has NO TIME for these fuckboys. She’s flinging her hair all over the dancefloor, singing along at the top of her lungs from on top of the tables. Boys, approach Maura number two if you dare.

Drink of choice: Malibu and coke

Where in the club would you find them: The smoking area

Post night out food order: Three menthol cigarettes

Amber

Amber knows every bouncer and promoter in the city, so never queues outside or pays for entry. She always gets a booth with a bottle of “champagne” to share with the girls. The club photographer has to keep taking photos until Amber and her group are satisfied they all look banging. Not only does she know all the bouncers, she knows the DJs too, and ends up behind the decks for the last part of the night recording the entire thing on Snapchat.

Drink of choice: Sambuca

Where in the club would you find them: In the basement room belting out old school anthems and knowing all the words

Post night out food order: McDonald’s Chicken Selects and a big Fanta

Ovie

Ovie never appears that visibly drunk and then you find out he’s nine drinks deep. You wonder how any one man can consume so much and still be so chill. He can part crowds like the Red Sea and literally every girl he passes will stroke his arm and say “wow, you’re so tall.”

He’d be innocently really enjoying himself, his shirt blowing in the wind coming from the CO2 cannons and lifting his hands up to the light show. He’ll always manage to pull, but he’d never leave with the girl until all his boys are safe in an Uber home.

Drink of choice: JD and coke

Where in the club would you find them: On a podium, blissfully unaware of what’s going on around him

Post night out food order: Spicy wings and chips

Molly-Mae

Molly-Mae doesn’t go clubbing to end the night with her head in the loo blackout drunk. Instead it’s all about image and letting people know she was there. You won’t see her out past 1.30am because she’s in an Uber home to Ellie-Belly and her sleep mask. But when she is out she only spends about 45 minutes dancing because the rest of the time is spent gossiping with her friends in the girls’ bathroom, taking selfies and lending strangers her MAC lipstick. Her favourite room is the cheesy pop room, where her and her girls raise their glasses as they all belt out S Club 7.

Drink of choice: Vodka lemonade

Where in the club would you find them: The girls’ bathroom

Post night out food order: A Hawaiian pizza from a kebab shop, which she’s determined to take home and eat in her pyjamas. She’ll wake up next to three quarters of it

Tommy

Tommy loves the classics: Teenage Dirtbag? He’s head-banging. Mr Brightside? He’s bawling his eyes out. He jumps when Kriss Kross tells him to. He’s not used to many nights out you see, since his training keeps him off the booze most of the time. But on this occasion you’ll find him vomming in the street after shotting a sambuca, with Molly-Mae rubbing his back.

Drink of choice: Carling and protein

Where in the club would you find them: Moshing in the middle of the floor

Post night out food order: “Eight…no, wait…nine…no, hang on. Ten piece chicken meal please, boss.”

Jordan

Jordan and his group of lads are organised. They pre-book tickets to the biggest nights months in advance and are always up for a big one. He’s found at Warehouse Project, Motion or Boiler Room, wearing a bum-bag or vintage sports jumper across his body, holding a lukewarm Red Stripe and with his hair in several man buns. When inside, he’s two-stepping and holding up his gun-fingers by the speakers with the boys. But when he’s catching a breather out in the smoking area he’s charming all the girls. Jordan always pulls, obviously.

Drink of choice: Beer tinny

Where in the club would you find them: By the speakers, right at the front

Post night out food order: The night never ends for Jordan, so he has no need for food.

Anna

Anna is methodical. The first half of the night is spent on a VIP table with an endless parade of spirits and good vibes, sitting in the centre of her hashtag squad like the matriarch she is. The second half of the night is spent twerking.

Drink of choice: Ciroc

Where in the club would you find them: In the VIP area with her girlies

Post night out food order: Dirty doner kebab and a cigar

Michael

Michael’s girlfriend is at the bar buying them both a drink, because they’re a respectful couple and share rounds. Little does she know while her back is turned Michael is already whispering in another girl’s ear. When she returns and asks him what he’s doing he’ll fire off the tried and true comebacks: “Don’t raise your voice” and “CHALDESHH”.

Drink of choice: Vodka soda lime

Where in the club would you find them: Peering over the balcony

Post night out food order: He never buys his own, he just pinches everyone else’s

Greg

Unlike Anton, Greg doesn’t need to talk a big game before a night out, because he pulls every single time. After a sweaty dance with the boiz he’ll get to work charming the pants off the girl who Anton had previously been buying drinks for. Hard lines, mate.

Drink of choice: VK

Where in the club would you find them: In the pop room, strawpedoing three VK at once with the rugby LAAAAAAAADS

Post night out food order: Greg makes a massive bowl of pasta at home

India

India had a really bad experience on a hangover once and ever since she’s been very careful on nights out. Not getting too wasted, having a nice boogie, and waking up the next day for brunch with her mates has been her modus operandi ever since.

Drink of choice: A few Rekorderlig and maybe a gin and tonic

Where in the club would you find them: In the least crowded part of the dance floor

Post night out food order: She’ll have a packet of crisps, or whatever’s available, when she gets back.

Chris

Chris is the one friend that goes IN at pres and then you never see him again. He disappears for the entire night out and is nowhere to be seen until the next morning when he’s in the kitchen telling you all some WILD stories about what he got up to.

Drink of choice: Jägerbombs

Where in the club would you find them: Spotted once being sick outside but never again

Post night out food: A Berocca at 8am

Anton

Anton goes on nights out to pull, and for no other reason. He talks about nothing but pulling, to the extent it’s actually a bit off-putting. Upon entering the club Anton immediately gets to work locating a lady on the edge of her friendship group. After a quick assessment of whether her self esteem is low enough for him, he’ll buy her a Jägerbomb because he’s a romantic like that. But it’s always the same story with Anton, and the only thing he’ll be maccin’ on is a Big Mac.

Drink of choice: Brew Dog for pres, voddy crans in the club

Where in the club would you find them: Lurking by the bar

Post night out food order: Anton’s kebab order is very specific – Chicken doner. All salad, except the “weird chillies” and tomato. Garlic, chilli sauce? No chilli, just garlic and a big splash of burger sauce

Belle

Belle dictates the music at pres. She is that person. During the queue to get in the club, she’s the one who needs to duck out to piss.

She is most likely to get in a minor scrap, probably with a random guy who just grabbed her mate’s arse – she’s protective of her girls on a night out. You’ll walk away from her for a second and come back just at the moment she throws her drink on someone.

Drink of choice: Vodka Red Bull

Where in the club would you find them: Shouting “I am who I am and I stick by it!!!” when being escorted outside by security

Post night out food order: Big Mac meal, but with no gherkins

Francesca

If Francesca’s on a night out she’s not on the dancefloor or by the bar. She’s gallivanting round all the extra bits most people ignore, like ball pits and karaoke rooms. Her outfit is so nice she doesn’t want to be near anyone who could accidentally spill a drink or fag ash down her. When Francesca wakes up after a night out, she checks her Monzo to see six separate £5 photo booth receipts. Every time.

Drink of choice: Whiskey sours

Where in the club would you find them: In a photo booth

Post night out food order: Big mozzarella bites energy, but with BBQ sauce instead of ketchup

Harley

Bless her, Harley is the mate of a mate who came to pres uninvited, and to compensate she’s gotten horrendously drunk. Without her usual mates to rescue her, she’s left outside the club trying to prove her bus pass is a valid form of ID.

Drink of choice: Caribbean Twist with a splash of vodka

Where in the club would you find them: In an Uber on the way home

Post night out food order: Eating dry cereal with her hands

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