Guilty of any of these 26 things? Congratulations, you’re the flat dirtbag

In every student house there's always one – that weird gremlin child whose parents cleaned up after them a little too much. Even in a sad boy or sad girl house they have descended into even more putrid depths of depravity.

They can barely fend for themselves as it is, and no one's mean enough to call them out on their filth.

Instead, here are all these signs that you might be the flat dirtbag and use them to change your ways, because you're stinking out the whole house.

1. Your room is uniquely good at growing and maintaining mould

The idea of airing your room out seems really weird to you because that would let out all the lovely moist warm air that’s festered in your lair for the whole time you’ve lived here. You cannot be cold – absolutely not. The mould will have to stay.

2. You have elaborate cobwebs in every corner of your room, as well as your windows

It’s not because you’re precious about destroying the delicate ecosystem that is your room’s spider population, they are just weirdly invisible to you.

3. Your floor has never been hoovered, let alone mopped

Mopping the kitchen is stressful enough, but the room where you sleep??? Too much effort.

4. If the bin is overfull you just push it down even further to ‘make’ more space

The idea that the bag might break and flood the bin with horrible bin juice does occur to you, but that’s more of a problem for your flatmates than it is for you.

5. Your room is full of half finished cups of tea with mould so advanced it’s practically sentient

You will only consider cleaning them all at once when you inevitably go to make a cup of tea and discover that *shocker* all the mugs are in your room.

6. You haven’t changed your bed sheets for well over a month

You’ve read that bed sheets need changing every two weeks because they accumulate dead skin and other nasty stuff. But you can’t see any dead skin, so why would you bother changing your sheets? It’s not like you’re shagging anyone in your bed – you’re far too much of a dirtbag for that.

7. You have a collection of half-finished jars in the fridge, all of which have gone well over their sell-by date

You wanted to make Thai Green Curry one time, and it was decent enough, but you only needed half the jar. A month later, when you wanted to make Thai Green Curry again, you had to buy a new one, but you didn’t throw away its predecessor. And so the cycle continues.

8. If it’s your turn to hoover the house and the bag’s full, you’ll just hoover away because you don’t know how to change it

At first it shocks you that hoovers don’t just vaporise the dust off the floor and that it’s actually stored somewhere in the machine. It still makes the noise so no one will notice you may as well be angrily shouting at the mess.

9. You buy loads of fresh produce the one time you ever attempt a food shop then never use it, so it all goes off

You feel so organised! You’re going to make salads, fajitas, skewers – 10/10 lunches all week. Then you have a large one on Monday, and Tuesday’s meals are a meal deal and a takeaway. You have a long day on Wednesday (a lecture at 11am and a seminar at 4pm), so you get a Ristorante pizza on the way home. Soon all that food you had grand visions of cooking starts to smell. This was an experiment you will never repeat.

10. You use 3-in-1 shampoos

You will smell the exact same from head to toe but it has more to do with your general air of rankness than it does your loyal bottle of Head and Shoulders.

11. When you have to change the loo roll, you’ll just leave the discarded cardboard roll on the floor, where it obviously belongs

IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME SORT OF RUBBISH CONTAINER YOU COULD PUT IT IN!

12. You keep a bottle to pee in in case you need it during the night

The loo is not that far away, Michael.

13. You are an adult human male and you still masturbate into your socks

You’ve seen that advert, right? Do you want to be the boy in that advert? You do not.

14. You have been sick in your bath

For some reason the toilet would be weird to vom in. Besides, the bath drains the same way, doesn’t it? Well it does up to a point, you still have to rinse it (see: 26) and potentially fish out the chunkier bits. You never do this.

15. You leave stuff to 'soak' for DAYS

Yes, soaking stuff while you wash other stuff up can be an effective way to help you clean it. However you are not making a stew here, and the murky liquid you’ve left in your pot for three days now is actually fucking grim.

16. You scrape your entire plate into the sink

This is how sinks get blocked, I'm afraid. Surprise! The weak drain cover couldn’t handle the very solid bits of pasta you were trying to wash down. Rather than pick them out, you jam them through with a fork like the goblin you are.

17. You drink BIG mugs of tea

Your go-to mug is the hench Sports Direct tankard, which will sort your tea needs out at all hours of the day. Unlike the legion of other mugs in your room, you might give this one a few washes (read: rinses) before you go for the mass wash.

18. You minesweep on nights out

THIS IS HOW PEOPLE GET SPIKED. You are told to stop doing this frequently, but after a whole one (1) Jaegerbomb, you can’t be stopped. Suddenly you’re scooping pints and half finished voka-crans like the Wall-E of bevs.

19. Hoodies and jumpers are NEVER washed

You have one jumper and it is your best friend. You instinctively throw it on when you get home, when you’re feeling hungover, over your pyjamas – nothing can separate you. You never notice that it really pongs now, but your flatmates do.

20. You’ve seen so many episodes of Dinner Date you’re now on the fourth repeat viewing for some of them

Look, we both know Dinner Date is bad. It’s not as good as Come Dine With Me or First Dates, but neither of those are on right now. Rather than make something of your day, you languish in front of Dinner Date – feeling that your life is just as sad as the people on the show.

21. You never put the washing up away, ever

I mean it’s not like you’re doing much washing up anyway, why should you have to put it away??

22. Your parents send you back with food after you go home and it’s the only time you’ll adequately eat

Tupperware full of lovely roast meat for sandwiches! Pre-made curries! Vegetables! It’s all there. Your diet has never been so balanced and for a moment you consider trying to emulate it yourself, which results in 11.

23. You have never ironed anything in your entire life

It’ll only get creased again.

24. You always drink out of the same water bottle

You already don’t wash your mugs, why would you sign up to wash glasses? A bottle is forever (until you need to buy another one).

25. You leave thicc skid marks in the loo, because you genuinely have no idea what the toilet brush does

If the first flush doesn’t get rid of it, what more can you do – right?

26. Your shaved hairs coat the inside of the bath after you’ve drained it and you don’t come back to rinse them away

I’m glad you’re making an attempt at grooming but I really don’t want to shower in it afterwards.

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