Meet the returner girl: The cunning mastermind every girl group needs
She has next day delivery for every shop and we are not worthy
She's the one in your friendship group who's always at the door signing for a package, going to the Post Office or asking you "can you see the label???" She always wears the latest trends – no matter the cost – never knows where her house keys are and confesses to being a shopping addict, ditching anyone and any event to be the first to a sale or an eBay bid. Her name? The returner girl – that one girl in your friendship group who has the best wardrobe but wouldn't be caught dead wearing the same outfit twice. She's a bit like the hot mess, just with more receipts.
She is a mastermind in the art of returning stained, smelly or damaged clothes she's worn
Ketchup stain? No problem. Mud? Not an issue? Broken zip and torn hem? Eaaaasy. The returner girl has every cleaning product and a sewing kit ready to go to mask the fact she's worn the clothes already. She is basically a walking advert for Vanish. Once a week she sets up her production line of making her items look brand new. Even if she doesn't manage it, her charm and charisma will convince the Sales Assistant to give her money back anyway.
Ever look at a girl and just know she’s the type of girl who wears clothes on a night out and then returns it after
— Olwyn (@OlwynBourke) April 8, 2018
Has ASOS Premier, which she lets the whole house use because she's so generous
She annually invests in all the shops who offer next day delivery premier service, like ASOS and Nasty Girl, meaning she can have a new outfit within 24 hours. Everyone in the house knows her passwords so they can use them too.
The floor of her room isn't full of clothes, but receipts
You'd presume someone who has a policy of returning clothes frequently would have an organised system in place of managing receipts – but no, being the mess she is they're sprayed across the floor, in bed, in random bags and some are mistakenly in the bin. The returner girl will always be shouting "has anyone seen that Primark bag with the receipts in it???" from her room.
Can't ever get an Uber because of her 4.1 star rating
Her rating is so low after arguing with the driver over the aux cable, throwing up inside the car door after not managing to open it in time, and spilling mayonnaise over the back seat from her cheesy chips. She never has change for a taxi either, always promising "I'll buy you a drink in the club" – she never does.
Regularly messages the landlord to let them know she's lost her keys
The door locks have been changed five times already. Half her debt isn't down to buying clothes, it's down to buying new locks for the house.
She always pulls on a night out, because she always looks so good
"Just jeans and a nice top" isn't a sentence in the returner girl's repertoire. Every night out requires at least three hours prep time to do hair, make up and to decide which outfit from the seven bought online the day before will be worn. Because of this she always looks 10/10 – the boys just flock to her.
Someone buy my shit! Labels attached cause apparently I've got an obsession w/ buying clothes & leaving them in the bag to go over 28 days
— Chloe (@AnsteyChloe) July 31, 2013
Whenever a sale is announced she's the first to put it down the group chat
Once a week the group chat will get a "Omg it's 50 per cent off everything at Missguided aahhhh!!!!!!" Push notifications are on for all shops so she never misses out on a sale. She'll drop everything – lecturers, gym classes, coffee with friends or even dates to get down to Topshop first when there's 20 per cent off.
Has a credit card
Necessary when you've maxed out your student loan and can't kick the habit of buying clothes. Tried managing her money with a Monzo, but has lost every one to club floors and taxi ranks.
HUJI is the only filter the returner girl uses
Which is why over 2,000 people follow her.
There's always at least one thing to return in her bag when you see her
Going to the Post Office is part of her daily routine, alongside Pret for lunch and espresso martinis in the evening. She knows all the Post Office staff by name, and the ASOS delivery people are basically family from how often she sees them.
Her Depop is insane
Her lack of organisation for anything in her life means she doesn't always take clothes back in time, meaning it all goes on Depop. Her Depop is so impressive she could wing it as an influencer.
If she borrows anything from you, you won't see it again
Buying so many clothes means her room is permanently a tip. That bandeau or jumper you leant her is now swallowed into an abyss of tags, labels, shoe boxes and shopping bags. It's more likely you'll see your clothing crop up on her Depop accidentally before you lay your eyes on it again.