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The 33 tragic things all students are undeniably guilty of doing in 2018

Fucking hell just lock me up and throw away the key

All rise, all rise, this court is now in session, and the honourable judge has found all students guilty of the following charges in 2018. Including, but not limited to, watching too much Come Dine With Me, never buying fairy liquid, living off cheesy chips and going on a white t-shirt social – in this day and age!!!!

But will you be any better in 2019? Probably not. Here’s 33 things all students are definitely guilty of in 2018.

Waiting by the reduced section of a supermarket an hour before closing

It’s never anything useful, but it gives you satisfaction to get a bargain. Housemates hear “guess how much this steak was”, “guess how much this turkey mince was”, “guess how much these chocolate eclairs were” for the rest of the night.

Going to the gym once a week, max

With only six contact hours you promised to fill your spare hours going to spin class, yoga and getting abs. Instead you put on your gym kit, sit on the sofa for two hours and then start making dinner.

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Having to pay for something really annoying, like a lost student card or a new key replacement

Didn’t want that £60 anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Develop an unhealthy relationship with cheesy chips

“Noooo I really shouldn’t I got them last night too” you claim as you’re already handing over the cash to the guy who didn’t even need to ask you for your order. He’s obviously happy to be taking your cash but there’s a thinly-veiled sadness in his eyes as really he’d rather you sorted your life out before you became a human cheesy chip.

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Killed a houseplant

Blamed it on the fact the house is too cold for a cactus, rather than your inability to care for a plant which requires the least care out of them all.

Eating the same thing all week so you can go out on the weekend

Buttery pasta with salt and pepper is a nutritious diet ty mum.

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Refusing to buy loo roll, fairy liquid, bin bags, milk, oil as you claim you bought it last time

You didn’t.

Had a medium-to-large amount of fun chanting when drunk

There’s just something about chanting at 3am walking home from the club that really makes you feel ALIVE.

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Finishing off chips you bought after a night out the next morning

You’re gross and proud of it.

Not taking the bins out for weeks and instead becoming expert level bin-Jenga players

If we can be honest for a second, you’ve probably achieved very little at university this year. Minimal lecture attendance, minimal personal growth and development and somehow you’ve got even less money that you did at the start of the year, despite having none to start with.

One thing you’ve perfected, however, is being able to stack literally any piece of rubbish on top of an already overflowing bin, therefore avoiding having to take it out. Well done you.

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Watched four episodes of Come Dine With Me or Four In A Bed back to back

And did this every day for the whole year.

Said “£9,000 for THIS” at least once a week

Such as when the library computer breaks, lecturers cancelling last minute, heating not working, films getting put on in lectures, paying for water in the library – the list goes on.

Sending pics of dinner down the family WhatsApp to prove you’re alive

Little do you know that no one cares, or thinks your food looks appetising.

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Knowing about an essay two months in advance, but starting it a week before the deadline

And juuuust scraping a 2:1.

Not washing bed sheets or towels for a month

Circuit laundry is expensive.

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Hid in your room for hours to avoid the why-has-no-one-taken-out-the-bins-yet chat

Passive-aggression isn’t going to take the bins out, Michael.

Rewarding one hours worth of work with a four hour nap

You deserved it babe.

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Said “I have sooo much work to do” when you have four contact hours and study a Humanities subject

As well as “I’m soooo tired” and “I have sooo much reading”.

Googling cheap flights to South East Asia and ‘how to drop out of uni’

Of course it would actually be too much effort to drop out of uni though.

Downloading Seeking Arrangement

“I can do this – I could be some crusty old toads’ date for the night” you say to yourself at 3am when you’ve just downloaded the app because you’ve only got £1.30 left in your bank account.

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Spending 70 per cent of lectures on Instagram

And then complaining the lecturer is shit and doesn’t teach you anything and NINE GRAND A YEAR FOR THIS!!!!!!!

If you study Sciences, complaining about how many lab hours you have

Literally zero people made you choose to study a degree that’s basically a 9-5pm job. You could have signed up for two hours a week doing Geography but you’ve made your bed so lie in it.

Getting incensed when the bus price increases by 50p

You’ll drop £20 on VK on a Wednesday night no questions asked but when the price of a single trip increases by 50p? You are incensed.

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Not making a 9am lecture

Going to bed the night before you had every intention of going, and tbh that’s what really counts.

Stealing as much milk as you can from your housemate without him finding out

There is a fine balance between the milk you’d actually like to steal from your housemate and how much you can steal whilst maintaining the level of the milk so they won’t realise. Any student worth their salt has perfect this is 2018.

Singing Mr Brightside at the top of your voice

You should be bored of it by now but every time it comes on at the SU your arms involuntarily lift into the air, your head falls back, mouth opens, deep breath: “AND I JUST CAN’T LOOK, IT’S KILLING MEEEEEEE.”

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Being in a racist group chat

If you’re in we’re going to find out about it so don’t even bother!

Pulling an all nighter in the library

On the bright side, if these heart palpitations are a heart attack and not just because this is my third Red Bull of the evening at least I won’t have to finish this essay.

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Calling up your parents and begging them for money

“If you don’t send me £20 right now I will literally DIE”.

Pulling your housemate

You’ve been flirting for months and eventually one of you snuck into the others room after a night out. Now you’ve got some weird secret thing going on that the rest of the house know about but are too awkward to publicly acknowledge. It’s at the same time the hottest thing that’s ever happened to you and also a disaster waiting to happen.

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Cheating on your school-sweetheart

It was never going to last and rugby boys are much hotter anyway.

Extending your overdraft

The first extension was £50, then £100, then £250, then £500, now it’s on £2,500 and you’ve already spent £2,000 and being persuaded by the credit cards which come in the post.

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Attending a white t-shirt social

Has there ever been a white t-shirt social that’s been a good idea? One where some bright spark doesn’t decide to write any racist slurs on your back? There are a million other theme ideas so for the love of God please choose something else.