We are the girls who can’t come from sex and we will not be silenced

It’s not that uncommon

6 years ago | UPDATED 5 years ago

Just take a moment to think about your sexual past. How many times have you had sex with someone and felt like it wasn't going anywhere? That you just can't come from sex?

You're having a great time, but for some reason, you can't seem to have as much fun as they're having. And you think: Am I weird? Am I normal? Should I see a doctor? Am I going to die? Why can't I orgasm from sex?

OH WAIT, 75 per cent of women can't either. Welcome to the Can't Come Club, here's your membership card. Too long you've been thinking you've got to come from penetrative sex, but actually, neither can most people.

We are the girls who can't come from penetrative sex and these are our stories:

Laura, 22, Leeds

I thought there was something completely wrong with me when I realised I couldn’t come from penetrative sex. I mean it felt good, but it never felt like it was actually going anywhere. I didn’t want to bruise anyone’s ego, so I just pretended that I was coming when I wasn’t. For years I deprived myself of what sex is actually meant to be like. Then one day I invested in a vibrator and I swear my life changed forever. I realised that I mostly come from clitoral stimulation and now can only come through penetrative sex when I'm on top. Since then, I’ve been honest about guys I sleep with and tell them what makes me come and what doesn’t, cos I’m sorry but the sex isn’t over just when they come!!!

Rachael, 18, London

It’s only after speaking to the girls in my girls group a few years ago that I realised I wasn't the only one who couldn’t come during sex. When I was younger I definitely wasn’t honest with the boys I slept with and quite frankly could’ve won an oscar for my performance of faking it. But as I’ve got older, I’ve realised there is literally no point doing that, so now I am completely honest.

Lauren, 24, Swansea

It was about six months ago I found out it’s completely normal to not come via penetrative sex. I’ve always enjoyed sex and always found it really easy to come via my clit, but I felt something missing when it came to actually having sex because I couldn’t come. In porn, TV shows like Sex and the City and basically any sex scene in any film, the woman always comes during sex – which is complete bullshit and has made me feel abnormal for years because I could never get there. This has also meant guys have the expectation that you should climax like they do during sex, and they feel so emasculated when you don’t get there. Being honest with the person you’re sleeping with makes the sex much better – it means no one is pretending and you end up both enjoying it way more.

Molly, 21, Birmingham

It was something I had never really paid much attention to before I was in a serious relationship. I thought it was because I didn’t really majorly like the boys I was sleeping with that I couldn’t come. Then when I got into a relationship about a year ago, I did start thinking about it more. I didn’t realise it was completely normal until I started chatting to my girl pals about it and literally all of them said the same thing as me! They can all come from oral sex but not penetrative – but still enjoy penetrative sex just the same. I think more girls need to be more open and honest about these things and get chatting to your girls about it – everything is normal!

Rosie, 20, Durham

Most sex I was having felt as if it was merely for the boys benefit, it ended when he came and that was about it. I always felt SUPER guilty and thus faked it, all I could think was why am I not truly enjoying this as much as they are? Am I abnormal? Why am I not orgasming from penetration? And well, is this the same for everyone else? It was just something I accepted. It’s important to remember you aren’t alone and you’re definitely not abnormal; I never come from penetration but hand on heart a lot of foreplay goes a long way.

Antika, 21, Cardiff

I remember when I first started having sex and wasn’t reaching climax, I immediately put it down to my lack of experience. But during a conversation with one of best friends, she was telling me how her boyfriend always finishes her off because penetration doesn’t actually do it for her. This got me thinking, maybe I’m the same? I’d never once orgasmed during sex but when I masturbated I finished every time. That’s when I realised that I can only come from clitoral stimulation.

One thing I’ve still realised though, is that so many men don’t realise that a lot of women can’t actually come through penetration, and in an attempt to not damage their ego or make them feel bad we still fake it. I know I have! To be crystal clear, sex is still thoroughly enjoyable if I don’t come. I can still have amazing sex without reaching climax and enjoy every second, you just need to be with a partner your comfortable enough with by saying “that was great, could you just finish me off though?” Don’t feel bad, either. You’re allowed to want to orgasm.