73 people you should avoid at university at all costs

Sure, naming 73 different types of people to avoid during your time at university may sound a bit mean (and a touch excessive) but hear us out.

You arrive at uni along with thousands of other people. THOUSANDS. This means you can afford to be picky when deciding who exactly you’re going to be hanging out with every day for the next three years.

There are the obvious ones, like the person who gets too wasted and needs looking after every time you go out. But what about the guy at pres who doesn’t even go to uni but is someone’s boyfriend from home? That guy is literally the worst.

Life is short, and not to be wasted spending time with people you don’t like, so we’ve helpfully compiled a list of every single person to avoid during your time at uni. You are WELCOME.

The Northern gal

Look, there’s no denying that Northern girls are the most entertaining people in every group.

They can down a bottle of Echo Falls White Zinfandel like a pint of water, have the courage to turn up in heels in on the most casual of nights, and have the determination to piss anywhere (side streets, main streets, bathtubs – I have seen it all).

That being said, there is only so many times she can force you to eat chips and gravy (come on!!) and take the piss out of the way you say “bath” before it’s too much. Sometimes you just need a lil break.

The student who did a study abroad year and found themselves

It’s a classic, they spent some time on the beach, hugged a few weird animals, posted a few million Instas and boom, they knew who they are.

No doubt Freshers’ Week will ruin them and they’ll land solidly back in the land of the malnourished, sleep deprived student.

The uni sports people who always wear their stash to the library

Playing for the men’s cricket third team is nothing to be proud of hun x

The rugby boy

As much as I love and appreciate it when you get us, your flatmates, to play international cock or ball Christopher, I’d rather you just kept it between you and your other rugby pals.

The girl who will not stop slut dropping

She will do it in every single club, bar, even your parents house. It doesn’t matter where, the point is they are good at slut dropping and will take any chance to show their talent off.

The one who goes home every weekend to see their family

They’re close to their family and it’s cute. However, you’d like to hang out with them on a weekend, not always in the library or walking to campus, but for a chilled out Sunday brunch. They will forever be your weekday friend.

The messy one who gets too wasted on every single night out

Sure, the first couple of times where Hannah was sick in the taxi on the way home from a night out it was kind of hilarious. But you’re over vomit now. Done. It’s not funny anymore. Now, you kind of wish Hannah would just get a grip so you didn’t have to leave every night out early.

That guy at pres, who doesn’t even go to your uni, but is someone’s boyfriend

He’ll sit in the corner, all quiet and contained, until he whips out the weed and oh shit, he’s dancing on the tables. He’ll then drag your mate off for a shag in her bed because “we haven’t seen each other in TWO weeks”. As if two weeks apart excuses hearing them having sex mid pres. It definitely does not.

The guy who is OBSESSED with following the rules with drinking games

Drinking games are fun, a good way to make pre-drinks with people you don’t really know less awkward. But I swear every single time there is that one guy who’s just a bit too into them.

I didn’t come to pres to meticulously follow every single rule in ring of fire, please don’t make me down another lukewarm tinny or I will start crying or be sick or both at the same time.

The guy who goes to the gym everyday and never shuts up about it

Alright we get it! You go to the gym and think you’re better than everyone else because you can squat double your bodyweight. Nobody cares.

The person in your seminar who’s really smug about having done all the reading

Being their friend when exam season comes around will be really useful but having to put up with them being smug about how put together their life is for the whole year is just not worth it.

The person from London who doesn’t let you forget they live in Zone 2

No matter how many times they say “where’s the North?” and “Zone 6 isn’t proper London” it just never becomes funny.

The one with a boyfriend or girlfriend back at home

This is the first time we’ve spoken and I’ve already fallen asleep.

The flat mate that will balance stuff on top of the bin instead of JUST TAKING THE BLOODY THING OUTSIDE AND PUTTING A FRESH BINLINER IN

They have become so good at stacking rubbish it should be an Olympic sport in which they would win gold forever and ever.

That boy who has lived all over the world and is soooo mature because of it

First of all, bullshit. Travelling does not instantly make you “mature”. Second of all, you’re exactly the same as everyone else at uni so please pipe down about New York, Tokyo and wherever else you have lived. Also, welcome to England babe.

The person who has an internship in every holiday

Oh it’s so random how you get an internship at JP Morgan with absolutely zero work experience, nothing at all to do with your well-connected parents, definitely because of how extraordinarily talented you are.

The person who brings their car to uni

What’s the point of bringing a car to uni if you’re not willing to drive me to McDonald’s whenever I decide I need chicken nuggets.

Student Tories

Be very suspicious of anyone this dedicated to the Conservative cause so early on in life. Chances are, they’re Jacob Rees-Mogg in disguise.

Shy Tories

Secretly being a Tory is nearly as bad as being an out and out Tory but at least you are embarrassed enough to hide it.

Student Marxists

They don’t shower, they’re obnoxiously self-righteous, and let’s be honest, most of your conversations will end with them cheerfully reminding you that “when the revolution comes, you’ll be up against the wall”.

The people who always go on about their friends from home

You’ll never be as good as their other friends and they go back home all the time to slag you off.

That guy who works out the pence per unit when buying alcohol

There’s no point making a saving of 14p per litre when you’re going to buy 14 VKs when we get to the club.

People who’ve been on a gap year

We get it Chloe, you had an ahmahzing tahm on your gahp yahhhh.

The person who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with chav socials

No please, I really would like to engage in a debate why it’s not offensive at all because you used to dress like that when you were younger growing up in a mansion in Surrey.

That person who denies shagging someone else on your floor in halls

Oh sorry, I must have misheard you creeping across the corridor and the headboard slamming against our shared wall.

The one who just wants to shag everyone

You’ve gone on more nights out together than you can count but how many nights out have you actually spent with them?

They spend the whole night trying to pull and somehow always manage it. Whilst it is fun having debriefs the morning after, it makes you feel bad about being a born-again virgin and no-one needs that negative energy in their life.

The guy who takes his top off in the club every single time you go out

They’re probably an agric, let’s be honest. You think you’re absolutely WILD and are out with all your cool mates in a shit club and they think taking their shirt off when the DJ hits play on Country Roads is going to make the girls flock to their corner of the room! Hate to break it to you, but there is nothing we find much more unattractive.

The person who hides all their washing up in their bedroom

They couldn’t be bothered with getting shouted at for leaving it in the sink so just let it accumulate under their bed. Meanwhile, the rest of the house has been sharing one spoon between the five.

Engineers

You’ll realise your life isn’t as good as theirs – they’re all so attractive and going to be so successful, something your humanities degree will never get you.

The overly politically correct student

Gender, race, the Tories, literally anything and they are on it. They have an opinion about anything and nothing you say will be good enough for them. Let’s be real, they just love a political discussion and you do not.

That person who goes to the library at rogue times like 8pm-4am just so they can flex on social media about it

They post a Snapchat story every hour to ensure that everyone knows how hard they’re working even though they are actually destined to get a 2:2.

Economics students

You’ll waste two and a half years becoming good mates before they panic and sign up to an accountancy grad scheme. Whereupon they begin the slow descent to becoming incredibly dull and not worth hanging out with anymore. That’s time you can’t get back.

People who play American Football

All you ever talk about is American Football at pres, seminars, just before an exam, the middle of the street, we could be in an apocalypse and you would still be talking about THAT GAME. I do not care, at all, please go away.

Brand ambassadors

When I’m having a coffee, writing an essay with headphones in, or doing literally anything, I do not want to be interrupted to hear about how cheap the latest broadband deal is. Guess what? I already have fucking wifi, bills included bish.

The sad boy

Their life consists of eating frozen supermarket pizzas, smoking shit weed and waiting for a text back. Uni is supposed to be the best years of your life, a time for the most aspirational you to take centre stage. Not a time to become a uni sad boy.

The sad girl

She seems so nice and innocent as she watches The Chase in her dressing gown drinking her 11th cup of tea of the day but she is dangerous. Spend too much time with her and your life will turn out just as the sad girl.

That person who always puts their hand up in lectures

Lectures are a time for you to quietly work through your hangover, you don’t need to contribute, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO CONTRIBUTE. You are just supposed to sit there and wait for it to be over.

You can talk to your heart’s content in your seminars, but please, stay well away from those who put their hands up in the lecture hall.

Anyone who doesn’t have Facebook

Like seriously what’s the point, how did you even know we were having pres.

Medics

“Um, actually, I think you’ll find that…” is the beginning of every medic’s conversation with you. And that’s fine, because eight times out of ten they’re probably right.

People who take their shoes off in the library

I don’t want to smell your feet and your shoes offend me. Go work at home, peasant.

The person who actually talks in the course group chat

“Has anybody else not got their timetables yet?”, “Is Turnitin down for everybody, or is it just me?”, “Does anybody know if the bibliography is included in the word count?”

Seriously, 99 per cent of people have had this chat muted since the second week of first year, please don’t humiliate yourself by asking. If Turnitin isn’t working for you, it probably isn’t working for everybody else, so announcing it to your entire course isn’t going to solve the problem, it is just going to make you look like a little bit of a loner.

People who are SO posh but pretend not to be

They’ll say they’re on the same loan as everyone else, but suspiciously a few things make you think otherwise. They buy something new from Topshop every week and will go on at least two holidays in first term – a quick three day trip to South Africa and then skiing in Courchevel.

They only shop at Waitrose, drink branded vodka, have a double-barrelled surname and when the inevitable private versus state school debate comes up they will defend it until they’re red in the face screaming “it’s not THAT unusual to have a matron!!!!!”

Anyone who is ‘going for a first’

“Going for a first” is literally code for you embarrassed yourself one too many times in Freshers’ Week and can’t face any more nights out so you’re “focusing on your degree”.

The person who still always wears their school leavers hoodie

We get it, you went to sixth form and had a fun time with all of the people who are listed inside the giant “18” on your back… we all did.

Wear a hoodie as often as you want, but a LEAVERS HOODIE, please stay well away from me. You just look like you can’t let go of the past and nobody will have even heard of your old school, so it’s really nothing to wear with pride. Let’s face it, you probably didn’t like half the people in your year, so why would you want to walk around uni with them written across you?

The person who wears a leavers hoodie because they want to show off they went to a really posh school

Look Barnaby, if you want to show off about the fact you went to Harrow please have the good grace to bring it up in conversation and bore me about it for half an hour rather than slyly wearing the leavers hoodie until someone eventually asks you about what Harrow was like.

Law students

Yeah you’re eventually going to be really rich and successful but is it worth becoming a completely insufferable tool? That’s the choice law students have to make.

People who play hockey

Basically, you’re not big enough to play rugby and you don’t have the natural athleticism to play football, so you just fell into hockey because they’d let you play with them. However, at least you weren’t so bad at hockey you had to

People who play lacrosse

It’s a completely pointless sport and if we didn’t waste resources making those weird net-stick things you flail about maybe we wouldn’t have had to ban plastic straws, start charging 5p for carrier bags or bother with recycling.

The girl who wears gym clothes to the library even though she’s not actually planning on going to the gym

You’re just making me feel bad because not only am I not going to submit my essay on time but I’ve already eaten my packed lunch and it’s only 10:30am.

The person who has a ‘Welcome am the Party’ poster in their bedroom

They ALWAYS start talking about politics at pre-drinks and make everything so bumout you won’t even want to go out anymore. Remember kids, people join political parties because they don’t get invited to real ones.

White people who exclusively listen to rap at pre-drinks and rap along to every single word

Nah I get it, your suburban upbringing in Surrey means you totally get where Chief Keef and Asap Rocky are coming from when they talk about “these mean skreets”.

People who use the word banter unironically

These people will often come in the form of medium-to-large sized oafish men-children who wear Adidas Gazelle shoes and insist on drinking 12 cans of cider at pre-drinks.

People who don’t drink VKs out of principle

If you don’t like VKs you don’t like fun. It’s as simple as that. You’re at uni for a good time, not a long time, so make the most of it and fill yourself with e-numbers and get all jazzed up singing along to Mr Brightside in your SU.

Anyone who studies a science

Don’t expect me to feel sorry for how many lab hours you have because literally no-one else but made the decision to study a science at uni.

That person who gets really into weed

Weed. Marijuana. The Devil’s Lettuce. Call it what you want. Everyone has had a huff on lucifer’s exhaust pipe at least once in their life. But you do not want to be friends with people whose entire day revolves around rolling a fat one and watching the same episode of Rick and Morty over and over again.

Journalism students

You think they’re your friends until it’s second term and you never see them ever again. They were literally just friends with you to get inside gossip on what the hockey team have been up to.

The wannabe edgy students, who only do ket to be edgy

I get it, you’re building an aesthetic with the glitter, camo pants, fishnet tights and literally anything you found in Urban Outfitters that week. Without the ket, you’re just a fake edgy student.

The one who makes a real effort to become friends with lecturers

Ok, we’re not saying don’t engage at all with your studies, just don’t be that person that sees a lecturer in Costa on campus and goes and sits with them or emails them all the time about how their weekend was. They don’t care about you and you will quickly lose friends.

The students who didn’t get into Oxbridge and will not let it go

AKA every single person who goes to Durham University. So…if you don’t go to Durham then you’re probably okay with this one. Yay for you!

The postgrad living in halls

They’ll be really aggy about how clean the kitchen is and will only drink really expensive alcohol like Southern Comfort whilst you sip on your Tesco own brand. Also, why the fuck are they still living in halls?????

The housemate who steals your milk

It will start out as a quick message like, “Stole a drop of your milk this morning! Will buy some more today x” Two months in, your milk is going down twice as fast and you have to call a house meeting about fucking milk.

Anyone who brings the following instruments with them to uni

This includes, but is not limited to: An acoustic guitar, electric guitar, bass guitar, keyboard, flute, clarinet, violin, cello, saxophone, French horn, trumpet, bassoon, oboe.

Bonus round: Anyone who dares to bring a ukelele with them

You might as well wear a massive sign around your neck that reads: “I never ever want to make friends or have sex with anyone.”

That guy you shagged in Freshers’ Week, who happens to like the same spot in the library as you

You’re smashing out an essay in the library in your “I look horrific and I do not give a shit” clothes and the fit guy you shagged in Freshers’ strolls on by. Of course, he’s wearing some vintage jumper, wind in his hair and the familiar smell of his aftershave hits you in the face. In that moment, you regret your drunken one night stand purely because now you’re going to wear makeup in the library or go somewhere else to work.

The OCD housemate who is killing the vibe

They clean constantly, even when the kitchen is already SPARKLING. You find yourself wiping up drink spills and telling people to use a fucking coaster at pres because the fear of your housemate having a freak out is that real.

The vegan who won’t shut up about being vegan

Vegan Insta, vegan blog, vegan sticker, vegan shirt, vegan everything and anything. Being vegan is not a nutrition choice, it’s a personality change. Eat a fucking chicken nugget and enjoy your life.

The rower

They never go out because they have a 5am ergo sesh every single morning and you watch them eat so much pasta every evening it makes you feel physically ill.

The basic white girl

She wears a velvet scrunchie, pink suede Old Skool Vans and winged liner every single day. She owns everything from Miss Selfridge and Boohoo.com and sometimes she’s just so extra it actually hurts your soul a bit.

Anyone who wears a signet ring

The only reason anyone wears one is because it’s bad form to keep reminding everyone out loud about the fact you went to private school.

The princess who is unbelievably spoilt

She’s Daddy’s little girl, has money coming out her ears and yet she still manages to charm you into buying her a drink. You kind of love how much of a princess she is, but that’s only because she’s adorable when she rocks up to pres in a crown and sparkly dress. If you didn’t know her, you would HATE her.

People who have a fitness Insta or a health blog

Look it’s gonna make you feel pretty shit when you’re tucking into your spaghetti hoops on toast while they’re taking their 229th photo of their macha chia seed health bowl with dragon fruit.

The person who’s so far in their overdraft they can’t afford a £2 pint

When you reach -£1500 you know you’re in deep shit. Time to call the parents crying and apologise for the greatest mistake of your life.

Contributions from: Grace Vielma, Serena Bhandari, Lucy Woodham, George Arkley, Hayley Soen, Kelly Woodward, Izzy Hall, Hannah Williams, Hamzah Abbas and Megan Slack

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