UK

Waitrose have made a ‘student essentials’ list, and I can confirm none of them are essential

It will cost you £13 and I’m not even sure any of it is actually edible

Waitrose recently published their "Student store cupboard" essentials list for upcoming freshers and it is basically just a hilarious list of everything you would never ever use in the kitchen.

Students are used to surviving off frozen pizzas and potato waffles cooked in the toaster. However, if we follow Waitrose's advice there is potential for some of the most ambitious student meals in history. That is if we could actually afford to spend £4.35 on Harissa. What even is Harissa?

Are you thinking of trying to reinvent yourself at uni and hide how middle-class you are? We'd suggest staying far away from Waitrose's suggestions for your Freshers' Week shopping list:

First on the list, 'Marigold Swiss vegetable bouillon powder'

Waitrose advises you to build a "nutrient-dense" base for those "hearty soups and stews" you will be making in Freshers' Week.

Of course, only "Swiss vegetables" can be used with bouillon powder and absolutely no English grown veg. After all, naturally enhancing the flavours of our homemade stew (with exclusively Swiss vegetables) is what first year is all about.

Next up, 'Aspall organic cyder vinegar'

The number one condiment that will make or break your homemade Nando's marinade, and potentially even make its way onto your fish and chips. Second on the list is vinegar.

According to Waitrose, "this vinegar is a versatile British gem with a myriad of uses."

And here I was thinking David Attenborough was a "British gem". Nope, Waitrose have declared organic vinegar as a national treasure because of the "unique trickle feed process" used to make it.

It not only looks and tastes like piss, it now "trickles" like piss as well. Oh Waitrose.

At least we will save a few pennies buying 'Waitrose cooks' ingredients organic Italian seasoning'

If you prefer to roast your Swiss veg, as opposed to stewing it in bouillon powder, Waitrose's own Italian seasoning is the perfect finishing touch. Just sprinkle this blend of organic, overpriced powder onto your burnt sweet potato, and voila, you've made Italian food.

Then you'll have enough to splash out on £4.35 'Belazu Rose Harissa'

Here is a five star, rose petal infused, Middle Eastern, Vegetarian Society approved, load of shit.

For Waitrose mums, this spices up their mundane lives with just a quick stir into any Swiss vegetable dish, closely followed by a glass, or bottle, of posh rosé wine. Utterly divine.

Let's finish this shopping spree with the creme-de-la-creme, 'Clearspring organic tamari soya sauce'

If Harissa just doesn't provide enough spice in your life, Waitrose also offers the soy sauce of dreams to enrich Asda's £1 stir fry boxes. This isn't just any "cheap salty soy", this is "an authentic 500-year-old recipe."

Clearspring sauce is "slowly aged in cedar wood kegs over two summers" to produce the "champagne of soy sauces."

Asda's shitty prosecco was so 2017/18. This year, we are moving onto champagne and expanding our social circle to the middle class mums of Waitrose.

Without further ado, let's get cooking…or rather let's swear off ever purchasing rose Harissa paste until after we graduate.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

Just a list of the most unessential items from the essential Waitrose range

The weird and wonderful things you learn from working at Waitrose

The most middle-class hometowns based on how many Waitrose there are