Cuffing partner applications are already rolling in
In case you didn't know, cuffing season marks the end of your single summer break and that fuckboy rota you literally spent months perfecting. Jake comes over on Tuesday, Tom on Thursday while Ollie and Sam alternate every Friday.
However, you are officially approaching the "hoe" status of your uni housemates so you better start settling down into a temporary relationship, aka just for first semester.
It's time to find a cuffing partner to hold your hand in lectures, provide regular cuddles and even ask you to be their date at your uni Christmas ball.
Btw, you're already behind schedule.
1st to 30th September: Welcome to the scouting phase
Freshers' Week is the ultimate scouting period for students. Applications for cuffing partners are already floating around social media and oh boy, are these people desperate.
Basically just looking for a puppy
To begin the quest for a serious cuddle buddy, download the holy-grail of dating apps and crack open that shitty bottle of wine because this is about to get brutal. Swipe for anyone who is remotely fit, has a bio and, ideally, of an appropriate age.
If online dating isn't your thing, then it's time to abandon the strategy of giggling with your mates and avoiding eye contact with the fit boy across the room. Ignoring him will not spike his interest, in case that isn't obvious already.
Make the first move, we're on a schedule to get cuffed.
1st to 14th October: Start drafting your shortlist
You have over 400 matches on Tinder and only 10 of them are actually decent. You dressed up in your mesh top and butt-sculpting jeans to go on the pull in Freshers' Week, and you were not disappointed.
You've got a good selection of hot guys and edgy boys. You banged a few in Freshers', maybe some of them were even from your flat but it's fine, we're still drafting.
So start eliminating those boys that play the "I'm so mature" card. We both know they secretly play Jenga and grow a bacteria zen garden in their room.
15th to 30th October: It's the dating try outs
The dreaded first dates have arrived and if you are committed to cuffing season, there's going to be a lot of them.
A third of these dates are average and the rest are either embarrassingly cringe or, surprisingly, good. However for the most part, when the guy went to the toilet, you text your mates that he's nice, funny, decent-looking and you're never going out with him again.
Next date, you found the one. He is exactly your type, probably studies economics, is a little too smart but has a sarcastic flare that is wildly attractive.
31st October to 30th November: Time for pre-season festivities
By now you hate the majority of the male race, you have been on your fair share of shit dates and yet, there is still one guy standing.
You low-key want to do matching costumes for Halloween. Imagine his shredded zombie t-shirt, which shows just enough of his abs to provoke your friends into complimenting your new cuffing partner.
No doubt, you wear creepy contacts and an Ann Summers bodysuit to somehow pass as "scary", when we all know you're going for "bang me."
1st December to 15th January: You've officially landed a cuffing partner
You have an established routine by now. He stays over at your house, you walk to lectures together and you're furiously battling the relationship rumours.
Yet, you are still parading your cuffing partner around as your most prized possession. You kiss under the mistletoe, even if it makes your stomach turn, and when you go to the club you scream, "All I Want for Christmas is You."
You go ice skating together and are that couple who knock small children over just to hold hands. Love Actually is your most recently watched movie on his Netflix account – if you can't borrow his Netflix password, are you even cuffed?
Christmas at uni ends and you have to say goodbye to your cuffing partner for Christmas break. As soon as you hit your home town, your family, friends, neighbours and even your local bartenders ask about your new boyfriend. To which, you have to repeat an embarrassing amount of times that he is not your boyfriend.
At least you will have a New Years Eve kiss to make up for that shit show. Until you get slapped in the face with "let's have a great year together babe."
Oh hun, we've only got one month left.
16th January to 13th February: Play offs, are you exclusive or not?
So you survived the family interrogation period, barely. Your body is starting to become crippled from excessive spooning and exams are hitting you so hard you are actually reevaluating your time commitment to this slightly-above-average guy.
You're both approaching the malnourished, overly caffeinated stage of the exam season. The flirtatious date chat transforms into an argument of which degree is harder, who has the longest exam and basically why you hate each other.
14th February: Championship games, otherwise known as Valentine's Day
If you have survived this long, congratulations. You're probably on an overpriced date while hating yourself for ditching Galentine's Day and he just asked you to be his girlfriend. Oh fuck.
Will you go into the uncharted territory of February 15th?
Or, you have a shit date, if you can even call it that. You reveal you prefer being single and he pipes up that he had a back cuffing partner because you never confirmed exclusivity.
Besides, it's time to start swiping and tailoring your next fuckboy rota. Bring on another summer sex-filled summer.