A concept that is about to change your life
Life is full of many breads, each for a different occasion or mood. Monday mornings are for Hovis Seed Sensations, but Saturday noons are for delicious Italian sourdough. When you think about it, it’s kind of like dating boys right??? Right?? Anyone???
Let me introduce to you the The Official Ranking of Boys as Bread. The concept is this: All dates can be ranked from good to bad using different types of bread. It's the precise metric beyond "good", "ok" and "bad" we didn't know we needed. For example, if your date was excellent, he's probably a freshly baked baguette. And if the date’s terrible? Ah yes, a thin slice of own-brand white bread. Never see again.
Move aside the fuckboy rankings, once you start using this new rating system, you won't be able to stop. Try it: next time you go on a date, text the group chat after and sum it up with a type of bread. “So guys, he was a Warbutons Toastie”. They will know EXACTLY what you mean.
We’ve compiled The Official Ranking of Boys as Bread, starting from the best breads (the ones you “must marry immediately”) to the worst (the “must delete number and throw phone out of window” type of guys.) This ranking is, of course, open to personal preference and interpretation, but generally it goes like this:
Sourdough – marriage material
Sourdough always leaves you wanting more. It's very savoury, satisfying and wholesome. But you only start eating it when you've grown out of the garlic bread stage (see below), when you're done with all the fuckboys. Sourdough is mature and you'll only ever stick to it when you're older and done playing the field. And the most amazing thing about it? The excitement of eating it never fades.
Celeb example: Prince Harry
A baguette fresh from the bakery – sexy, knows its worth and doesn't try to compete
This bread has a big bread energy. It knows it's amazing without having to prove itself. You can have it on its own or dip it in a little olive oil. It's perfect in every meal and every situation. And it doesn't ever try to compete with other breads. It knows its worth.
Celeb example: Jack Fowler from Love Island
Hovis Seed Sensations – he’s good and he knows he’s good
The type of guy to own a Barbour, a Labrador and have a lovely home in the country with his mum who makes you a cup of tea in the morning. He can speak French and volunteers at a food bank after work. This is who you bring home to your family.
Celeb example: Oliver Proudlock
Olive bread – divides opinions
He divides opinion. Some of your friends love him, they wish they could be in his presence all the time for his intellectual conversations and interesting takes. But everyone else loathes him – they think he’s up himself with his air of superiority. If olive bread was a boy he would wear clear glasses (even though he has 20/20 vision), cropped trousers and have a nose piercing.
Foccacia with rosemary and sea salt – great on paper but a bit thick in real life
His Instagram is 10/10, he works out but clearly isn’t obsessed, is well travelled and always has a permanent tan. What lovely teeth and blonde floppy hair. This guy is perfect on paper, and so much fun! You have a good time and go out for three dates. But then it occurs to you – this guy is really, really dense. He’s just a bit thick and the conversation always somehow comes back to the dumb things him and his mates do.
Celeb example: Eyal Booker
Bake at home baguettes – develops over time
This boy is plain and cold to start with but becomes warm and crispy as you get to know his personality.
New York Plain bagels – perfect guy but has a big void in his heart
This guy has it all. He's creative, good looking, talented, funny, caring and always leaves you wanting more. He's the type of guy who will take you on the most unexpected dates and you'll have the deepest conversations. But there's one big problem, he's emotionally unavailable. He's still getting over his ex and no one can fill that hole deep inside of him.
Celeb example: Drake
New York Cinnamon bagels – same as above but aloof
Fun but in small doses. You couldn't have New York Cinnamon bagels all the time, otherwise the novelty wears off.
Celeb example: Louise Thompson's ex Alik Alfus
Oven baked garlic bread – the fuckboy of all breads
Garlic bread is not a bread you can have every day. It’s not great for you and often times it leaves you with serious regrets. Garlic bread is the guy you text when you’re out with mates and someone has just given you the “fuck it we’re young” talk. You think it’s a good idea at the time because it tastes so good, it makes you feel so satisfied and at the time you really REALLY want it.
You can’t just have one piece because it’s just too good and the risk element is almost what’s most attractive about it. You said you’d have a salad, you said you weren’t going to text him anymore but now you’re onto your sixth piece of garlic bread, you’ve found yourself being fuckboyed and you’re only getting started.
Celeb example: Muggy Mike
Kingsmill 50/50 bread – doesn't have his own agency
Can’t make his mind up about anything – super indecisive. Depends on you to make all reservations, what shoes he should wear and what to watch on Netflix. Always sits on the fence when it comes to discussing a serious issue. This type of boy desperately needs to figure himself out before getting involved with anyone else.
Celeb example: Sam Thompson
Hovis Thick Wholemeal – intensely dry
In the shop, they seemed like a good choice because wholemeal is good for you and thicker slices will fill you up. But you get home and the bread literally tastes like cardboard. Your conversation with this type of bread boy will never go beyond surface level. They've never been outside of their hometown and they're just not interested in different flavours of life.
Warbutons Toastie bread – the rebound of all breads
Comforting but you only have it when you're in dire need of some love and affection.
Celeb example: Alex Mytton
Biona Rye bread – the boy you keep on the back burner
You have to convince yourself it's good when it honestly tastes like shit. But you feel too bad throwing it away so you just keep eating it, but veeeery slowly. You have it on the back burner. It will never match up to a baguette, will it? Biona Rye bread is the boy you have absolutely no respect for but still entertain from time to time because you feel bad.
Panini – overrated and overpriced
There's so much hard exterior with a panini, and you think once you get through it, the soft bread inside will be worth it. Wrong. There is no soft bread inside. With panini boys, what you see is what you get.
Sainsbury’s (Giraffe) Tiger bread – flaky as hell
This bread is delicious but you never know what's going on with you two. When you're together he promises you the world and when you're apart, he flakes all the time for no real reason.
Celeb example: Jamie Laing
Pitta bread – a great concept but always executed poorly
Have you ever tried making a pitta bread sandwich? And have you ever not accidentally punctured a hole through the whole thing? It's too much hassle, like the guy who lectures you for not being a vegan when they're a flexitarian themselves.
Genius gluten free bread – has something missing
It tries to come across as having the full package but there's just no gluten binding it all together. In this boy's case – there's no spark.
Celeb example: Dr Alex George
Kingsmill No Crust bread – borderline pathetic
Immature and a mummy’s boy. Winges until he gets his own way and can’t do anything himself – even cutting the crusts of his ham sandwiches.
Celeb example: Liam Payne
A humble bread roll – perfect with something else, awful on its own
A bread roll is plain, but with some bacon and ketchup it can be transformed into a 10/10. Now think about it, have you ever met a guy who is only good in group settings? But when you're alone it's like he doesn't know how to interact with another human being? Yeah, that's bread roll guy.
Celeb example: Niall Horan
Warbutons thins – you'd never introduce him to friends or family
You're ashamed of this choice. You got it during a moment of weakness. It was on sale for £1! This is the guy you go to when your standards lower, but would never introduce to your friends or family.
Celeb example: Harry Baron
Warbutons crumpets – great listener but never tells you what he thinks
The porous quality of this baked good means it absorbs a lot. This guy is a great listener, he will soak up everything you say but never give you anything back. On a date, you will have to keep asking "What do you think?" Next.
Own brand thinly sliced white bread – popular but doesn't offer much
Just your run of the mill, average guy. There's many of them and there's not much to them. He's just the most useless guy, probably plays a lot of Xbox. He doesn't really know how to talk to most girls and expects you to do all the work.
Celeb example: Alfie Deyes