It’s a bumper edition
Several Love Island-related things have been doing the rounds recently: Adam's gargantuan club tour, apparently Frankie whilst waiting for Samira, and plenty of gossip about how the producers fix the whole thing.
Among this, one bit of info keeps coming back like a trivia zombie. It seems that going on Love Island is more lucrative than an Oxbridge degree.
For most people, that's a pretty binary choice, two separate forks in the road of life choices – a university education or a reality TV stint. Thankfully, for these photoshopped versions of the Love Island 2018 cast, the dream can become a reality.
Not all of them are destined for Oxford or Cambridge though. We've got Eyal down as more of a Sussex guy. Scroll your thumbs to find out where each and every islander belongs.
Megan – Cambridge
For months now, constant attempts have been made to shoehorn Love Island and Oxbridge together. More people applied, you’ll earn more. It’s a comparison that’s been done to death, but that never stopped us. When you imagine the ideal form of a university, you think of Oxbridge. Perfectly sculpted learning nirvanas that know exactly what they’re about.
Conjure the perfect, platonic form of a Love Island contestant and you get Megan Barton Hanson. She’s really invested in her success, and done everything necessary to get where she is. But, she’s also got the humility from a past of probably getting bullied to know how people tick. Once the shy butt of the joke, now Megan/Cambridge are your new overlords.
Adam – Oxford
If Megan is the perfect islander, Adam is her counterpart. Just look how Adam went from Kendall to Rosie to Zara to Darylle back to Zara. It’s exhausting isn’t it, like reading the “summer internships” section of an ambitious Oxford student.
Zara – King’s
Zara desperately wants to work in Parliament. Zara has that weird “I’ve got my shit together” vibe that’s just not okay, is it? Zara is rising through the ranks of Government. Zara is doing something important with legislation. Zara runs for Prime Minister. Zara does not get elected because Zara has a tattoo of Adam’s initials and no one, no one in their right minds, would vote for someone with Adam’s initials tattooed on them.
Charlie Williams – Staffordshire
Honestly, who is this? On my screen she is suffixed by "the Casa Amor one". You could strike up a conversation with me about Love Island and I’d have no idea who this person is. Similarly, if you told a careers officer you were going to apply to Staffordshire, there would be no flash of recognition in their eyes. Staffordshire? Staffordshire has a uni? You’re just naming places now. Don’t you mean Lincoln? Or Sheffield? Charlie from Love Island? Casa Amor Woman? One of the other Charlies in the Love Island villa? No, you reply, Charlie Williams.
Stephanie – Southampton
On paper, she and the students of Southampton have all they need to succeed. But they have not, because they are super forgettable. Is Southampton, one of the founding members of the Russell Group unis, a place Tinie Tempah has been to, giving it that edge over Scunthorpe, going to give you that perfect uni experience? Is Stephanie from Love Island 2018 a vintage Love Island contestant? I think we both know the answer to that.
Jordan – Birmingham
Jordan, like Birmingham, wasn’t really anyone’s first choice. You’re telling yourself, “It’s a good uni, I guess”. But your heart’s not in it, your heart just isn’t in spending every Wednesday night in Snobs. No one’s heart is in spending every Wednesday night in Snobs. In the real world, UCAS will come and save you. On Love Island, you’re sent packing, much like Jordan.
Kaz – Exeter
Exeter is a good uni, but it’s just there, just on the South Coast, everyone unaware of it, just like everyone unaware of Kaz. Kaz, in a seemingly perfect couple, she’ll probably win it, everyone will be shocked, it was always coming. Once this is over she’ll fade back into obscurity, back to Exeter, back to being just there.
Josh Denzel – Liverpool
Well dressed, laid back, wears shit shirts but it’s cool though, Josh Denzel of "not being as loyal as Georgia" fame is Liverpool Uni. He’s a night out at Heebie Jeebies. He’s listening to records upstairs in The Jacaranda, he’s done The Beatles Story so many times he could practically be a tour guide there. Josh is the coolest and too cool for you.
Kieran – Loughborough
A lot of people would struggle to point out Loughborough on a map, and I could not point out Kieran in a line up. I’ve got no idea who he is, I just had to Google him and I still don’t know.
Samira – Newcastle
Just like how every Newcastle student has the best bits of their night out completely cut out by too many trebles, Samira’s best bits in the villa were hidden by the producers. Despite that, Samira/Newcastle stay fun, up for a laugh, and just trying to survive among the theatrics of Jesmond.
Frankie – Northumbria
The Northumbria to Samira’s Newcastle, they’re a perfect match – but everyone knows Newcastle/Samira is better. Not bad at chinning a pint, mind.
Eyal – Sussex
This joke writes itself, doesn’t it? Eyal definitely had a gap year, didn’t he? You can just hear him telling people about it now, can’t you?
Old Laura – St Andrews
Some jokes write themselves, part two. Both Laura and St Andrews are *checks notes* older than the competition and Scottish.
Paul – Cardiff
Your bewilderment that Paul has snuck into the final of Love Island 2018 is matched only by how astonished you are every time someone reminds you Cardiff is in the Russell Group. With the customary laddy nickname (Knopsie) it’s not hard to see Paul with four VK in each hand, top off in the Lash.
Dani – Bristol
Dani will tell you she doesn’t want people to know who her Dad is, she’s her own person. “I’ve got the ‘ump”, she’ll say. “Why?” you will ask. “I don’t want people to know who me Dad is”, she will say, begging you to ask who her Dad is. Much like Bristol students, Dani is locked in the endless cycle of not wanting people to know you go to Bristol, yet desperately wanting people to know you go to Bristol.
Jack – UCL
You’ll have to have a really good side-hustle in selling pens and still live at home to survive financially whilst at UCL. Probably, inevitably, in the long run, he is going to win. He is going to win everything. Long live Jack.
Ellie Jones (Jack’s Ex) – Brunel
There are plenty of better unis than Brunel where you don’t have to sell a kidney to afford your rent, so there’s really just one reason to go there: to be in London. And you’re not even in London. She’s finally close to Jack/UCL, and keeps popping up in Loop, reminding him of what they used to have.
Savanna – Man Met
Manchester Metropolitan, or “Not Salford” for short, is interesting because it’s in Manchester. Savanna, or “the short haired one from Casa Amor” to those unaware of her existence, was interesting because she had short hair, which isn’t even interesting.
Darylle – Manchester
Tattoos are all about image. Manchester is all about image. Don’t pretend you went to Manchester for the degree, you went there because it’s cool and you know it. Well listen up – Oasis are average at best, just like your uni.
Charlie Brake – LSE
I have never seen a man who screams “my father has a job lined up for me in the City” than Charlie Brake from Love Island. I imagine Charlie Brake is so rich he could buy the Love Island villa, declare himself the winner, and give himself the £50k. He’s coasting through uni, it doesn’t matter if he gets a 2:2 because the man’s a millionaire. Why would he even need the £50K? Just stick to Made in Chelsea, mate.
Alex George – York
Ok, let’s weigh Dr Alex’s merits up. In the pros, you have above average intelligence. But the cons column is full of entitlement and not really knowing how to act around women. Therefore, Dr Alex is your typical York boy.
Alexandra – Goldsmiths
Her recent anger (or new cross) over Alex’s problematic behaviour is exactly what you want from a Goldsmiths student. No longer able to put up with being strung along, whether it’s by a highlighter pink doctor or the queue for the Bussey Building, she’s finally calling it out.
Josh Mair – Durham
Talks a good game, does Josh, talks a. very. good. game. It’s all talk though, no way is he competing with the big guns as much as he thinks he is. He thinks he is, but much like Durham, he’s getting the train into Newcastle for nights out, exposing him as a tin pot uni.
Alex Miller – Glasgow
Alex was doing so well, so so well, we were all so proud of him up at Glasgow, with his glasses, so handsome in his glasses – then he just went to pieces. In the words of Love Island great Chris Hughes – “my head’s gone”. Alex, like Glasgow, was good in his own right but lost his head when he came up against the big guns (Wes) and lost Megan because of it.
Dean – Glasgow Caledonian
A sweet boy, an okay uni. Unlucky in love, unlucky to be a former Poly. Dean tried his best to compete with Glasses Alex – not to be confused with Dr Alex, although I don’t know how you could mix up a man with such a penchant for snazzy spectacles and man who is pink – for Megan’s heart, but ultimately he lot out. Just like Caledonian will lose out to Glasgow when they go for the same job.
Hayley – Leeds Beckett
Leeds Beckett – everyone’s fit, everyone’s your type on paper, everyone looks like a South Yorkshire Adonis. But dim. Poor Hayley. Don’t ask about Brexit. For the love of God, don’t ask about Brexit.
Laura Crane – Sheffield Hallam
Obsessed with sports, always talking about the sports, sports sports sports. They’re at HallamNation telling everyone they do sports. Laura loves sports, and, like the sports lovers of Sheffield Hallam, has nothing else about her.
Sam Bird – Nottingham
Very, very average. So average that everyone has to resort to personal things to take the piss out of him for. In this case, that’s having weird eyebrows.
Charlie Frederick – Nottingham Trent
The same as Nottingham, really, but more forgettable and average, with the only notable exception being his eyebrows.
Kendall – Warwick
Fresh from splitting up with her fiancee, Kendall was too pure for the savage world of the island. Similarly, Warwick students, fresh from a very woke seminar, are too pure for the un-PC discourse outside of the Warwick bubble.
Rosie – Oxford Brookes
Rosie from Love Island is Oxford Brookes for this reason – there’s drama when she’s kicking off about how Adam, or Oxford proper, are treating her. Fin.
Ellie Brown – Hull
Ellie dropped the infamous ‘c’ word on television, because that’s the sort of chaotic evil she is. On a similar, not at all tenuous note, you can’t go to Hull without someone defending it with their own ‘c’ words: City of Culture.
Niall – UEA
Left the island without a trace – just like your UEA mate always has to leave early to make the mammoth train journey back to Norfolk. Niall was a sweet boy, slightly intimidated by people with 15 abs, just generally quite likeable. He won a place at UEA and he won a place in our hearts.
Wes – Leeds
You can just imagine him, Wes, youthfully pumping away to house music at Canal Mills.
Picture Wes, slogging through those nuclear systems engineering textbooks in the Eddy B, always wondering "could I be happier?" Yes, the Eddy B is nicer, but Laidlaw, man.
He's made it to the final with the very same canny and savvy that makes him the only living person to actually know the way around Roger Stevens.
Georgia – Sheffield
Ahhh, Georgia. Loyal Georgia. So proud of her loyalty, she wears not her heart on her sleeve but her loyalty, there for everyone to see. Head up to Sheffield and you’ll find something very similar. So proud of their uni and it’s one red brick building, so willing to tell you that their Students' Union won best in the country six (six!) years in a row, unable to miss a single Pop Tarts or Roar through fear of appearing to not love their uni enough. Georgia has her misplaced loyalty, Sheffield has its misplaced pride.
Jack Fowler – Edinburgh
Edinburgh – a classic university in a classic city. Jack Fowler – classic lad. He’s tall, he’s got a bit of severe haircut, he’s clearly being throwing some heavy shit around in the gym, he wears a t-shirt under a check shirt on his nights out, he takes home two girls called Laura in quick succession, he is Jack Fowler of Edinburgh – classic lad.
Idris – Bath
A respectable 74th in the UK for his boxing weight category, Idris is Bath University because of his moderate sporting prowess and willingness to dress up as a fireman to prove that he is truly a sportsladladlad are a match made in heaven.
Grace – Lancaster
Grace, off of Casa Amor and awkwardly cutting Jack’s hair whilst his ex Laura watched on in what is the most uncomfortable TV moment of 2018, was more than a match for Dr Alex’s York, quite possibly because they are absolutely the most sauceless people on this Earth. However, you can’t go to Lancaster and not be bored, no club called Toast can be any good, I’m not having it. Grace, much like Lancaster, was honestly so boring, no matter how many awkward haircuts you give.