If the Love Island boys went on a night out, this is what would happen

We all know what the Love Islanders do after they leave the villa: wave after wave of desperately sad club appearances at such exciting locales as Nottingham, Chichester and Canterbury. But on their nights off one thing is for certain: the Love Island blokes will get together for the biggest lads night out anyone's ever seen.

Alex will definitely do embarrassing dad dancing in a desperate attempt to seem likeable; Charlie will get a bottle of Grey Goose that he'll spray all over himself. But what other havoc will they wreak? Find out in our absolutely, 100 per cent true tale of what a Love Island lads night out would look like.

The pre-drinks

Everyone goes to Jack's house, where it turns out he still lives with his parents. First to arrive bang on time is Alex, at precisely the arranged 7pm slot. Jack is still in the shower, leaving Alex to very politely chit-chat with Jack's mum whilst waiting. "Such a lovely boy, that Alex," thinks Jack's mum, "if I had a daughter he'd be just the sort of guy I'd want her with." Jack's mum does not know how wrong she is.

Wes, Josh, Sam and Frankie arrive together. Josh is holding a six-pack of Brewdog Punk IPA that he will not share with anyone and Frankie, for some reason, has brought a mid-priced bottle of wine. Charlie is dropped off in an Uber, holding a bottle of Cîroc.

They're all are dressed in shit shirts except Frankie, who is dressed like an insurance salesman, and Adam, who is wearing an All Saints top three sizes too small for him.

Getting ready to leave

After several drinking games initiated by Wes, the boys are ready to leave.

The whole place stinks of Lynx Africa. Jack puts on his "nice going-out shoes" that he only saves for special occasions, rings the taxi, kisses his mum goodnight and promises her he'll be home safe.

Alex is the final one out, giving himself a pep talk in front of the mirror on the way: "Oh hell, you can do this Alex, you can do this Alex!!!"

There is a mild dispute over where to actually spend the night out. Josh wants to go to a secret rave in a Hoxton basement, Jack wants to play mini golf, Wes wants to go a uni house party and Adam wants to Tiger Tiger – he knows the promoter and says he could get the lads a booth! Alex says he'd be happy to just go to a nice cocktail bar, but is convinced by Adam as he's assured him there'll be "birds" there.

In the club at the bar: The first drink

Jack's on Stella and Josh orders a 3/4 quarter pint of an unpronounceable Norwegian craft ale. Adam pours some vodka into his protein shake and Wes always seems to be carrying a tray of Jagerbombs.

"Pint of the black stuff" asks Alex, whilst all the boys are watching. After one sip he instantly throws his Guinness away and gets a Tequila Sunrise which he drinks on his own in shame.

Sam loudly shouts by the bar about how much he respects women before going back to the boys and asking which one he should shag.

Charlie gets two bottle of Grey Goose, with sparklers, for the rest of the boys which he parades round the club photographer desperate for a new DP, then opens all over the first girls he can find.

On the dance floor

The boys head straight for the d-floor. They're head-bopping to the sort of tech-house remixes of middle of the road pop songs that literally nobody asked for, or even likes. Initially they start as a big circle before each splitting off to do his own thing.

Alex does really over-exaggerated "embarrassing dad dancing", whilst making eye contact with as many girls as he can which he thinks is smouldering. Look at me, I'm so funny and self aware! Love me!

Charlie puts absolutely everything on his Snapchat story taking video selfies of himself singing along to Dua Lipa with the doggy ears filter.

Every time you turn around Jack's somehow wearing one less item of clothing. He first ditches his sunglasses, then his snapback – next thing you know he's in his pants standing on a table, waving his shirt over his head and leading a rousing rendition of Three Lions.

Who pulls?

"So are we gonna pull any birds, then?" asks Alex, desperation dripping from every gland. "Do I love birds? Yes", replies Wes. "But I wouldn't exactly call myself an ornithological expert."

"Do I find you attractive? Yes", Wes says at a lovely lady after they start chatting by the bar. However, he quickly has his head turned by a new girl and completely sacks off the first girl to focus on his new potential romance. The new girl then sacks him off in turn and he is left back at square one.

Adam perches himself in the smoking area and just stands there, waiting for a girl to come into his two metre radius to tell her that she's the only one he's had his eye on all night. He will do this seven times and necks on every. single. time.

Alex, surprisingly, manages to get with someone in the club. However, his personality and neediness sabotages the whole plan as the girl goes off him before they've finished walking back and he ends up on his own.

Coming home: The takeaway orders

Charlie left early – he had a 5am flight to Hong Kong to get on. “It's hard being a socialite”, he said, generating no sympathy whatsoever.

The rest of the boys naturally head to the kebab van. Jack knows the owner and he makes his classic mixed chicken/lamb doner kebab without Jack even having to ask – he gets free chips on the side.

Alex spends ages soliciting advice from the boys on what the best option on the menu is before going for the most missionary sex night-food possible – plain chips.

All of a sudden Josh’s face drops in shock – Adam's bought himself a halloumi burger. All the boys turn around in bewilderment – surely Adam would be the biggest doner enthusiast? "It's for the protein," he says, bashfully. Nobody dares say another word.

They all walk home, hand in hand in the spirit of fraternity. What a night.