Forgive me father for I have sinned: The 57 unholy rules that every fresher has definitely broken
If there is a God please can he sort out my overdraft
Shagging, pesto pasta, rollies, £1,500 Santander overdrafts, drugs, VKs, vomit – this is starting to sound a bit like that Trainspotting poster you bought at the freshers’ fair – but actually it’s everything you’ve just experienced if you’ve finished your first year at uni.
There would’ve been the good moments, like actually making it to a 9am and scraping a 2:1 in your first essay. And there’s also been the bad times, like sleeping with your flatmate, or deciding to live with a group of people in second year who you now in fact hate.
You've moved out of your boxroom in halls and soon you’ll be back for second year. But if you haven't broken at least 42 of these 57 unholy rules of first year, you can't call yourself a fresher.
1. Drank a green VK
Look, it was 2am and you didn’t know your own name let alone be able to make sensible decisions.
2. Slept through a lecture and woken up five minutes before the end
It was the perfect timing!
3. Not washed the bed sheets in four months
One word: crusty.
4. Bought a freshers wristband and went to one out of 20 events
Who the fuck can seriously go out for 14 days in a row? I’ll wait.
5. Been convinced by a promoter to buy tickets to get to a club pre-10.30 because “the queues going to be HUGE”
It was always empty with one local on the dance floor and a huddle of girls sat in a booth texting people to find out where they should go instead. You still continued to buy tickets throughout the year – just in case.
6. Gone to a 9am lecture
No one feels good about doing this, no matter how many times you give yourself a pat on the back for going. And the whole “I want to get my money’s worth argument” falls flat when you’ve just spent an hour on introduction slides.
7. Not had dinner before a night out
Throwing up before the taxis arrived and not making it to the club was fun, wasn’t it.
8. Not used a lecture as nap time
It’s the perfect time to snooze in your very busy six hours contact time schedule.
9. Eaten a frozen pizza not using the cardboard box as a plate
Just more washing up.
10. Locked your phone in a Circuit Laundry wash
Yep, it can happen.
11. Slept with a flatmate or someone too close to your halls
Gone are the days of awkwardly bumping into them in Circuit Laundry or having to hear for when they go back into their room to know the kitchen’s free.
12. Had a tactical chunder before going out, then ploughing on for the rest of the night
Nothing could stop you from getting a VK in the club.
13. Fancied your seminar tutor, even though they’re a 5/10 postgrad
It was something about how they handled radio silence to questions they ask and their ability to organise group work really turned you on.
14. Drank tea only out of one of those big Sports Direct mugs
It’s just unnecessary.
15. Given in to 3 for £5 Jagerbomb deals, or equally cheap offers
You didn’t need three shots but for a price that good it would be rude not too, plus mum always said to find cheap alternatives.
16. Paid £200 for the uni gym to go once a week at a push
It's the thought that counts.
17. Left an essay until the final hours and pulled an all-nighter in the library
2,500 words of pure Red Bull fuelled bullshit – the 2:2 was a pleasant surprise.
18. Lived off pesto pasta, noodles and Deliveroo since leaving home
What is salad?
19. Gone to the bank twice to ask for an extension on the overdraft
It’s now at -£1,500.
20. Then maxed out the overdraft and had to call your mum
“Can I borrow fifty quid pleeeeeeease???”
21. Made a tenner last a whole week by eating lots of dry pasta and rice, so you can go out
It’s amazing the things you can do with a bit of rice and soy sauce.
22. Shagged a promoter
23. Tried to reinvent yourself, not always for the better
You tried going vegan, vegetarian, becoming a DJ, being really sporty and suddenly become super Greenpeace in March. After while it all became too much effort, and you referred back to your normal, boring self x
24. Went on an initiation for a sports team you don’t really like and end up covered in flour and eggs and digesting dog food
It was never going to be fun.
25. Thrown up somewhere that’s not the toilet or sink
Getting the vomit stain out of the halls carpet was tough. The smell never really went.
26.Got in a taxi drunk to realise you have no cash
No drunk charm will ever get them to drive you home.
27. Stolen someone else’s taxi
“HI YES I CAN BE SARAH IF NEED BE!!!”
28. Eaten cheesy chips every other day for a year
29. Signed on to a house for second year with people you don’t really like anymore
You were BFF in Freshers’ Week, but then Chloe started stealing your food after a night out and Rob never, ever took the bin out. Second year is gonna be lit!!!!
30. Got at least one halls fine
I honestly do not know how that sock got on the fire alarm.
31. Signed up for your own Netflix account
If you’re not constantly mooching off your family account, getting angry messages down the WhatsApp group from your sister asking who is signed in on more than one device, you haven’t lived.
32. Signed up for an Economist subscription because either a) you really needed those ‘free’ headphones or b) you wanted to be more aware about what’s going on in the world
In reality, you haven’t opened one issue and they’re collecting dust by your front door.
33. Bought a cringe, stereotypical poster at freshers’ fair
Highlights include: The communist “I am the party” one, the Pulp Fiction one, the Audrey Hepburn one, the Trainspotting one, and the one of the New York construction workers sitting on a ledge while building the Empire State.
34. Not taking the bin out once and instead make it into a massive, disgusting game of Jenga
It wasn't very fun when the whole house smelt like eggy fart.
35. Cheat on your gf/bf from back home
Just as dastardly as cheating on your uni bf/gf but with the added phenomenon that they are unlikely to ever find out!
36. Got a new uni girlfriend within the first two weeks
You’ll go out for the entirety of your three years and break up two weeks before the end of term, leaving you to think about how you’ve completely wasted your time at uni.
37. Cheat on your new uni gf/bf in the SU
It’s hard to resist a rugby boy in a toga tbh.
38. Shagged the same person as your housemate
At least they already know the way home for their walk of shame in the morning.
39. Made small talk by discussing what you studied at A-level
“You did Geography? NO WAY! I DID GEOGRAPHY TOO!”
40. Tried to become a DJ
Look, if you’re name is Liam and you look like one of The Inbetweeners, it’s unlikely you’re going to be the next big house DJ. No matter how medium-to-large your tunes are.
41. Accidentally let slip just how middle class you are after a whole term of keeping up the image that you’re just a regular down to earth soul
Was it the pink Himalayan salt that did it?
42. Joined a student political party
Admittedly, it’s cheaper than buying a big badge that says "please don’t have sex with me” in gigantic letters, but at least you could respect the craftsmanship. People only join student political parties because they don’t get invited to real ones.
43. Got into a big conversation about politics at pre-drinks or on a night out
It is 99 per cent guaranteed that you don’t really know what you’re talking about and 100 per cent guaranteed that no-one cares.
44. Bought branded alcohol after Freshers’ Week
You don’t know any better during your first week, unaware that bringing a bottle of Jack Daniels just makes people think you’re a massive insufferable nob.
45. Forgot your cigs on a night out and spent 30 minutes begging everyone and anyone if you can buy one for a quid
“Oh go on mate I’ll buy you a drink.”
46. Spoken in a seminar
You had to bear the burden of speaking on behalf of the rest of the group for the whole hour. Never again.
47. Not spoken in a seminar
It was so tiring constantly trying to look away and not make eye contact with anyone.
48. Spent the majority of your first year hanging out with your new uni bf/gf
This is undoubtedly the most boring way to spend your first year at uni, you won’t really cement any other friendships in the early days of your uni life, and after nine months of just above average sex you’ll break up. Life is hard and then you die.
49. Been slightly disappointed that no-one complimented you on your dazzling Pre-J performance when you finally managed to hop on the aux
Why doesn’t anyone like Pitbull: an investigation.
50. Brought your car to uni
The only reason you bring a car to uni is because it’s bad form to wear a big badge saying you went to private school.
51. Taken drugs to try and fit in with all your new cool mates
Yes, I have taken a marijuana before, I do weed all the time with my mates from back home. We’re massive spliffheads us, almost too much you know.
52. Got your guitar out for the first time since you started at an afters, and definitely played Wonderwall
I would love to shoot everyone who does this in the head, but I can’t, because that would be illegal.
53. Played ring of fire at pre-drinks after Freshers’ Week
Sure, it’s good for breaking the awkwardness of Freshers’, but by second term no one's drinking at "four – whores" and everyone fucking hates waterfall.
54. Given into peer pressure and taken part in a grim sport initiation
If you’re that desperate to join the hockey society that you’ll drink your own piss or something equally horrific good for you.
55. Asked the DJ for a request
Who do the people that do this think they are? Clambering up to the booth to shout a request that they want to hear, regardless of what they think other people might like. They think they’re the queen and we’re all the sorry people.
56. Had to implement a strict fine system so people actually do their washing up
This is not a vibe.
57. Spoke about your gap year in depth, even though no one cared
Not a single one.
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