Which university do the Love Island cast members belong at?
Alex was too polite to decline his offer from UEA
Obviously, most people who go on Love Island haven't been to uni, but it's pretty fun to get carried away and talk about which uni they would have gone to if they did.
I must admit, I felt bad for Hayley on this one as she can't really get too heavily involved in the article, but if you ask me, that only adds to the legitimacy of the piece.
Let's get to it.
Wes – University of Nottingham
Wes belongs in The Midlands. He grew up there meaning that he went through the local schooling system and spent a lot of his free time on Arriva busses, staying over at his mates' houses, always having to leave early the next morning to go and play football for his local team.
Despite Wes always being the classic naughty boy when he was in primary school – the one that threw the wet tissue paper against the toilet mirrors, and managed to graze his knees on the playground in such a way that only a seven year old could handle the pain – by the time he got into the sixth form it became clear that he actually had quite a lot in his locker.
Regardless of this though, Wes is a pretty middle of the road guy, so would most likely go a pretty middle of the road uni. That leaves us Nottingham.
Wes would definitely enjoy going a bit wild on a week night in Rock City, but would also like having the luxury of being able to nip home when he fancied a hearty meal or catch up with his hometown mates (who decided to work for their Dad's company rather than pursuing any further study).
Laura – Open University
Laura would likely be let down early on, finding out that he couldn't go to a regular university, after sending in a fake birth certificate which said that she was 18. So, Laura would settle for Open University and study Primary Teaching.
She'd try her best to attend university as much as she could, but of course, it wouldn't be easy to do, having a job to hold down, a mortgage to pay and a family of three to feel when they get home at three thirty each day.
Laura's uni experience would mostly consist of her being sat in the dining room at home, with her folders sprawled all across the table, whilst two of her children are squealing in the next room, fighting over the Playstation, and the other one is eating their way through a pack of crayons in the garden shed.
Alex – UEA
"Do you really want to go to university in Norwich, son?"
"Well, no – but I suppose – look, are you sure if I say 'no' that other people will go there? – see no, I just feel bad now. Yes, I have to go. It's mean of me not to."
"But do you WANT to go there, Alex?"
"Oh, erm, ah, oh dear it's so difficult, I really don't know which to choose…"
There's your reasoning. He's a wet lettuce and he'd go there because he'd feed too bad if he refused.
Eyal – University of Sussex
Eyal is more Sussex than anything Sussex has ever produced. He obviously wouldn't go to uni straight after leaving his Catholic School in North London. Instead, he'd travel the globe and see the world's wonders, courtesy of his parent's funding.
If you asked Eyal, he'd probably say his parents bought him his gap year for an "early birthday present". This is why Eyal would fit in so well at Sussex, specifically East Slope. Everyone's been on a gap year there, so there's literally no other place for him.
At Sussex, he'd work day and night, pretending to be deeper and and more interesting than he actually is. He'd hang an Indian wall tapestry up in his bedroom, make frequent references to yoga and regularly use the word “fuck” every other word, all to reinforce his vibe.
Socially, he’s 100 per cent that guy who would get out his acoustic and at 4am after Patterns and play Wonderwall. He'd text his mate hosting afters earlier in the day saying, "Yeah, hey mate, is it calm if I drop my willow around at yours after our philoph sem?"
Hayley – Five UCAS rejections
I'm not going to write 200 words about how Hayley "definitely went to Liverpool" (because she's a scouser), and how "she definitely studied Politics and IR" (because she didn't know what Brexit was). I refuse. She didn't go, she didn't go, SHE DIDN'T GO.
Jack – University of Birmingham
Jack is an Essex boy who'd heard the rumours about the north and was adamant that he'd end up going to uni up there, dying to get a glimpse of what it was all about. And for an Essex boy, Birmingham is the north, so off he went.
Being a decent looking lad with some half decent chat, Birmingham would be the perfect place for Jack. He’d always manage to pull at Fab on a Saturday night and his accent would sound neutral when thrown in the mix with the locals.
He'd study Business Management, with aspirations to start his own business, and attain a 2:1. After leaving uni, he'd go on to take over his Dad's business. Simple.
Samira – University of Edinburgh
Like everyone at Edinburgh, Samira is pretty posh, really chatty and more than anything, hugely into theatre. This would automatically make her a BNOC at Edinburgh. Her profile picture would get hundreds of likes, despite them all being PR campaigns for the theatre production she's in that week.
It goes without saying though that Samira would be out most weeknights with her Pollock gals on a big one, dancing the night away in Bongos wearing flared trousers and a wavy top.
Dani – University of Liverpool
Dani loves a night out so much and that's the sole reason she'd choose Liverpool. She'd be the best person in the world to go on a night out with, giving the cocky boys in the smoking area stick when they're being arrogant about how many grand they all make a week from working in construction.
Also, Liverpool is swimming with lads who are exactly the same as Jack, that's why the clubs literally don't have lights and instead rely on the whiteness of everyone's teeth in there.
She'd love it.
Adam – University of Leeds
Adam is fit and he knows it, much like everybody who ends up at Leeds. But also like everyone in Leeds, he can't handle rejection – how could someone even think about rejecting a student from one of the fittest unis in the country?
He'd thrive there purely because he could spend all his free time roaming around Hyde Park handing out flyers for Canal Mills, or alternatively doing the Otley run asking scared freshers, "are you in for a big night then?"
Within his first semester he'd have made 1,000 friends on Facebook, having gone out almost every night of each week.
Charlie – University of Bath
Charlie couldn’t be any more Bath if he tried. He’s in ridiculously good shape, has delightful blonde hair, and just loves all sports. He could talk about sport all day long and he'd never get bored.
Charlie's sheer lack of personality wouldn't hold him back if he went to Bath either. Much like many of the students at Bath, what Charlie lacks in personality, he definitely makes up for in good looks.
However, what Charlie lacks in eyebrows, well actually, nothing makes up for that. Never mind.
Josh – Loughborough University
Josh would go here for the sports. He loves sports – both playing them and talking about them (his job on the outside world is social media for sports…the guy LOVES SPORTS).
Unlike most people who got to uni, Josh would actually sign up for loads of teams at the Freshers' Fair, including the rogue ones, such as Lacrosse, and actually commit to them.
He'd go to all of the trials, all of the socials and before he knew it he'd be captaining the Lacrosse first team. Through sports, Josh would meet so many people, remembering all of their names and finding things to talk about with each and every one of them every time they stopped him for a chat outside the library (because yes, he studies as well).
Rosie – Cardiff University
Rosie is a home bird and like all Welsh people, she's incredibly proud to be Welsh. When she got to uni, people probably asked her for her name, and she'd just reply "I'm Welsh". Classic.
Rosie and her mates would assemble every Monday for a big, strictly girls night out at Glam. She'd lose her mates, making friends with a tall, dark-haired boy from Newcastle who would then go on to break her heart. And this would happen every Monday.
She'd definitely end up in Family Fish every night trying to get some free chips too.
Georgia – Bournemouth University
She's just there for the good time. She doesn't care if she gets a 2:1 or a 2:2, she just wants to sink lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of VKs in Cameo, and take pics with the gals down Bournemouth beach in the summertime.
Megan – Newcastle University
Picture this: Beautiful, beautiful Megan lives in the most gorgeous student house in all of Jesmond. She brunches with her friends on a weekly basis in Arlos before her leisurely 1pm seminar, which she'd definitely talk in.
In the evenings she plaits her beautiful, beautiful hair and makes her way out to Swingers, taking a quick Instagram before she goes out which will rake in hundreds of likes in one hour.
She'd hang out in the Swingers smoking area – the photographer wouldn't stop taking photos of her and her beauty. She is the essence of Newcastle Uni: blonde and unbelievably fit.