All the struggles you will encounter living with a Northerner
The words bath and grass are hotly debated
Living with a Northener is undoubtedly fun. They're always the one to get you on a night out, can drink you under the table and are friends with everyone.
But they've got these funny little routines which make you question whether you made the right decision living with them. Like the fact they put gravy on everything, call lunch 'dinner' and moan about the quality of the house teabags all.the.time.
Here are just some of the things you will know to encounter if you have the pleasure of living with a northern soul:
They’ll always moan about the quality of the water, claiming it’s not as good as it is up north
“You wouldn’t get this in the Peaks, no sir!”
The house tea bags have to be a northern brand
Drinking anything other than Yorkshire Tea is like drinking poison to them.
Anything above a fiver for pre-drinks is far too much
Northeners don't care about high quality or expensive alcohol. They want to be shit faced and they want it as fast and as cheap as possible.
Can’t buy a pint without saying exactly how much cheaper a pint would be where they’re from
Especially when it’s their round.
The heating won’t be turned on until ice is forming inside the walls and you can see each other's breath
Up until this point it’s been “put another layer on”, or “it’s boiling in here" in response to any cries of the house being too cold. But eventually, mid winter, it’s time to spend a bit of money on the bills, and even then it pains them to turn the heating up.
GOES IN every pre-drinks and rinses you for being a lightweight as if their tolerance was this god given gift they were born with
Can get through a whole bottle of wine twice as fast as you can. While you’re puking they will shout something like "don’t be a pussy" at you and expect you to get up and carry on as normal. Nothing another beer won’t sort out right lads? Yep, they’ve had a lot of practice.
They call lunch 'dinner' and dinner 'tea'
???????? That's just not right ??????
You can’t leave the house for a night out with a jacket on, because they will rinse you and claim “it’s not even cold!!”
It’s two degrees and I’m fucking freezing.
They have a go at you for not saying thank you to the bus driver and insist on shouting THANK YOU every time they alight a bus
It’s lovely that this kind man has driven us to the library but omg come on, he gets paid for this he isn’t doing it out of the kindness of his heart.
Constantly critique the state of chippies outside of their hometown
Nothing’s ever good enough.
This is LARGE down South apparently. £9. You could buy a northern chip shop for that! pic.twitter.com/lr5bBV35iQ
— James (@sleepeatflyrpt) April 9, 2016
When reminiscing about school days, they’ll say they went to ‘high school’
It’s hard not to picture them bouncing a ball around like Troy Bolton singing about whether to pursue a career in basketball or go to college.
Needs constant attention
A Northerner will never be the ghost flatmate, it's just not in their nature. They're loud, they're proud. They're always making tea and can't stand being alone, so it's likely they'll treat your bedroom like it's their own – privacy doesn't exist to them.
Demands you to repeat words over and over again just so they can rinse you
YES I SAY GLASS AND BATH DIFFERENTLY WE GET IT NOW.
You will start using words which to you have an entirely different meaning, like pants and tea
Pants are underwear you put on before you jeans, but to Northerners pants are the jeans. When you first encounter your northern housemate saying “what do you think of my new pants???” don’t expect to see them half naked.
the fucking northern flatmates have got me saying pants, tea and high school nahhhhhh
— yasmin x (@yasminrymer) May 18, 2017
After a night out they will insist on getting chips, cheese and gravy
No one is complaining about this tbf.
Complains about London a lot (it’s just too busy!!!) despite having been once
Their trip consisted of pigeoning about Buckingham Palace, Kew Gardens, and spending amounts at Selfridges that Londoners would pull faces at.
Have this one endearing name that they call everyone, whether they like them or not
Chick, love, hun, pet, duck…the list goes on.
Drinking cups of tea becomes more regular than drinking water
“Anyone for a brew!!!” they cry – it’s the eighth time today they’ve offered.
It’ll take them around four hours to get ready for a night out
Even if it’s just a trip to Tesco, they’ll be making their face up and doing several outfit changes, cos you dunno who you’re gonna meet in the supermarket aisles!
Anyone below Birmingham is considered too posh
And you all went to private school, have two houses and a double-barrelled surname.
If you’re from the south, you’re officially from Made In Chelsea
Or you MUST know someone in it.
Gravy is put on absolutely everything
It would go on the Cheerios if you weren’t watching.
Refuse to get a taxi unless it’s absolutely necessary
Who cares that it’s lashing with rain?? Haven’t you heard of a bin-bag dress to keep your body dry?
Refuse to use the Queen’s tongue
Northerners don’t care what lexicon or vocabulary they use, as opposed to their Southern counterpart. They’ll refer to you as ‘love’, say ‘in a bit’ after leaving a conversation or a gathering, and repeat that they are ‘chuffed’ when something goes right. Their language will confuse you in any situation.
They’ll run riot whenever you try to define the North/South divide
Don’t call Nottingham the North, it's in a part of the country called the Midlands. Don’t call Leicester the South, it’s in the North. Don’t try and define willy-nilly where the South ends and where the North begins. For them, the North starts above where the cost of a pint starts at £2 and people regularly eat bacon and tomato ketchup sandwiches.
Always the loudest in the house meaning peace and quiet is rare
They’re the one to force you out of the house for a big one, despite the fact you have two essays to do by tomorrow. You know what “one pint at the pub” really means: four Jagerbombs, throwing up in the loos, pulling someone and ending up in the chip shop at 4am, six hours before your essay deadline.
Talk about Greggs all the time like it’s a religion
No lunch will ever be as good as the humble sausage roll or steak bake, all washed down with a nice hot brew.
Just doesn't get Waitrose and M&S
The Notherner of the house can never understand the beauty of a free coffee, or M&S 3 for £7 deli deal. They'll claim Booth's is better – it's absolutely not.
Take on the title of fun enforcer amongst housemates
If morale dips at pre-drinks the Northerner only gets more raucous. You WILL have a good time and you WILL throw up in the taxi by the end of the night.
Pull the most out of everyone in the house
Everyone in the North has a weird yet endearing taste in their opposite or same sex. A face full of makeup, few WKD down you and a lingering smell of kebab juices screams a 10/10 by Birmingham/Newcastle standards. The men in the North are fit and muscular and the women pride themselves of dressing the part – it’s a given that pulling is their regional forte.
They get blind drunk but are always last man standing
At pre-drinks they drank 2 for £5 bottles of white wine which weren’t far off being paint stripper. In the club they sank four shots of apple sours in a row before mine-sweeping the dance floor.
Half the night is spent looking for them because they’ve got lost – you find them half comatose in the smoking area having a rollie with some bloke. Yet, when you get home they will still be up for it putting on Oasis enforcing that anyone who goes to bed is a lightweight.
The only shots they will drink are Jagerbombs, sambuca or apple sours
Tequila is obviously much nicer than all of these, but they’ll still insist on having the grimmest shot available. Anything else simply isn't Northern enough.
Girls have the most impressive make up collection
Their face is always beat to the gods even for lectures. She gets up at the crack of dawn to make it to her 9am lecture because her eyebrows take half an hour to perfect.
Make friends with everyone on a night out: bouncers, bus drivers, taxi drivers, kebab shop owner
They know them all by name.
The constant debate around whether a piece of bread is a roll, cob, bun, bap…
This debate is officially reserved for shit freshers chats and your Northern friend needs to let it go, we're all over it hun.
Goes home for two days and comes back with an unrecognisable accent
Wait three days and maybe you'll be able to understand them again. Until then just smile and nod.
A northern woman came into the shop and asked for a lighter in a thick accent so I genuinely made the poor cow a latte in the confusion
— sara (@triptych_angel) May 17, 2015
Always the loudest in the house meaning peace and quiet is rare
T'up North there is no such thing as silence.
They call other Northerners posh if they lose their accent
"Oooooh you’ve been spending a lot of time in Loondooonnnn haven’t ye!"
They make the best gravy, which infuriates you
How do they make it so perfect? What do they teach up north??
Northern guys are always put in the box room
This is because they barely own any possessions. Their room is like a prison cell, with their bed sheet hanging off their mattress, maybe a few empty tinnies scattered across the floor, and the Lynx gift set their gran gave them for Christmas.
If you leave the light switch on for literally three seconds they’ll let you know about it
"Why you wasting leccy like that??"
Will say their hometown is shit but if you say something negative about it they’ll get very defensive
Look, Hull is a shithole, there’s no two ways about it. You don’t have ownership over saying it’s crap, I have eyes and a sense of smell too.
If you say you’re from the South they’ll ask if you know the Queen
Yes, of course I do, that’s why I’ve decided to come to the UCLan to study Sociology instead of swan about Buckingham Palace all day.