There are exactly five types of Adidas boy, but which one are you?
Are you more Adi daddy or sadi daddy?
Everyone wears Adidas. You have the sporty Loughborough types kitted out in Adi training gear, running laps and eating kilos of pasta every day.
And then there are the gremlins of Manchester Uni, wearing vintage Adidas windbreakers while they dance to songs without lyrics and sample the finest disco biscuits their fair city has to offer.
But Adidas stereotypes are not defined by which uni the person goes to, oh no. Every single boy who wears Adidas can be neatly packed up into one of these five different stereotypes. Here they all are, and yes, they all have to be Adidas puns or they don't actually exist.
The Adi Daddy
By far and away the most enviable of all the Adidas personas. He's always up for a good time but never overcooks it.
He's into Fifa, pints and Match of the Day, just like the Sadi Daddy, except girls find it endearing for some reason. The source of his powers? His Adidas Originals jumper.
A base level of attractiveness and personality are obviously required, but that trefoil logo elevates him up a level. That bumfluff on his chin is now just the right amount of stubble. His dead jokes are suddenly some post-ironic musing that you'll pretend to laugh along with. Ha, ha ha, hahaHA.
He'll pretend to know a lot about music but no-one will dare call him out for it, and he is nailed on to get a 2:1. He lets everyone believe this is because he's just naturally bright when actually he's sweating it out over a stack of textbooks every morning while everyone else is still asleep.
All of this, just because of a sweatshirt.
The Adidas-wearing sad boy, eating Ristorante pizzas off the cardboard box it came in to save on washing up, smoking badly rolled cigarettes while thinking about all the girls who wont get with him.
You can usually find him wearing a grey Slazenger jumper, doing his best to live like a character out of Arthur – seriously, why do they always just wear the same clothes every day?
But what about when his sad boy uniform is in the wash? Easy, his mum bought him an expensive grey Adidas jumper for his birthday so he'll just wear that for the time being. The sad boy will get at least four days wear out of it as it's unlikely he'll leave the house, what with his packed schedule of playing Fortnite 24/7 and getting left on read by girls.
Alongside their grey Adidas jumper, they also have a pair of Tango tracksuits which exclusively make up their 'indoor wear'.
The roadman who actually lives down a cul-de-sac in a quiet London suburb. Adidas jumper tied across his torso in the rave, full Adidas tracksuit when he's chilling at home with the squad, which consists of Simon, Tim and Benjy who all went to very nice private schools.
Good looking lads who are probably going to fuck you over eventually. And how can you ever expect them to reply to your texts when they're always preserving nine per cent phone battery?
They go to a decent uni, somewhere like Leeds or Newcastle, and have turned their academic prowess towards figuring out just how many times you can dissociate your mind from your body with the help of our good ol' pal Ketamine during a three year undergraduate degree.
A quick peek of their Facebook photos reveals: them in a bucket hat, them in a crusty fleece, them and a mate both in bucket hats, them in a crusty fleece with gun fingers pointing towards the camera. Safe.
Adidas is primarily a sports clothing brand,performance first, fashion second. Sure, looking good is a bonus as a primary human function is to procreate and that evolves attracting members of the opposite sex.
This is how most 'SPORTS' Adidas boys think. Everything is an equation, there are rules and natural laws that apply to everything in life and they are to be followed. They drink Huel instead of meals because the quest for perfect nutrition is a noble cause and not one of the most bumout things in the entire world.
A personality beyond being good at kicking or throwing a ball? A sense of humour? Where do I put either of those two qualities on my LinkedIn profile, will that get me a job at Deloitte? Didn't think so.
They are quite fit though, in a big-armed sporty way. And who can knock a £30k+ salary and a a quiet commuter life in Kent? Take what you can get.
Adidas have Lionel Messi on a lifetime contract for £10 million a year, which is a fun fact your very standard Adidas boy learned on Twitter. He learns a lot of fun facts on Twitter and about 90 per cent of them are the opposite of fun. Bog standard "Adidas" boy wears Adidas, and that's pretty much that.
He has a hometown girlfriend of five years, loves singing along to Toto on SU nights. He only ever wears one pair of shoes, green and yellow Adidas Gazelles, which are often complimented by a pair of bootcut jeans. Delicious.
He'll combine this with either a zip-up three-stripe track jacket, or a mangy grey and black Adidas hoodie that he's owned since he was 16 and barely fits him anymore.
Plain old "Adidas" feels most alive on a football away day with 'the boys', non-league football of course. He might sneak a flare into the ground as a special treat if it's someone's birthday, and is now an expert at building tinny staffs and duelling with his m. He only has enough memory for one song on his cracked iPhone 4s but that's all he needs, there are no other songs apart from Oasis' "Don't Look Back in Anger".