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Every single boy you’ll have sex with and instantly regret after

You’ll feel personally attacked after reading this

Years go by, times change, boys evolve. Different types of men have come and gone. Last year we saw the likes of The Lit Boy, The CuckBoy and The Cheeky Lad take centre stage. But it seems this year, even newer species of fuckboys have emerged.

For example, there is the Sad boy who genuinely just has no clue about girls. Or the Strongbow Dark Fruits boy who’s just a good laugh due to the amount of cider running through your veins. And the’s been a rise of the Adi-daddy – the sexy everyman.

But just because there seems to be a wider diversity in the types of boy you’ll sleep with as you grow older, it doesn’t mean they’re getting any better in bed.

Here is every boy you might have the displeasure of shagging this year and why you immediately regretted it after:

The sad boy

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The sad boy doesn’t have a clue. He’s genuinely terrified of the clit and constantly requires affirmation he’s doing everything okay and to your standard. Obviously he’s not, but he’s a fast learner and will probably go down on you for a lot longer than most guys. You’ll have sex in the dark though, because the sight of his crusty bed sheets and old Stella cans are really putting you off.

Why you’ll regret it: He’ll fall in love with you and you’ll have to ghost him.

The fleece boy

He looks like he tends to gardens as a hobby and studies Agriculture, but actually that guy in the moss green Berghaus fleece likes grime and buys his polyester exclusively on Depop. He’s someone you definitely want to shag. In bed he’ll insist on making you come first, exclaiming he’s a feminist when he’s between your thighs. He’s not into really fun sex – for him, spooning and missionary do the job.

Why you’ll regret it: It wasn’t what you imagined, leaving you not angry, but disappointed.

The fine art boy

He’s a painter, he’s trendy but fucking hell is he confusing. He’ll say things like: “I don’t understand labels, what are we gonna do next, get married?” It’s never an easy path with these boys, so it’s easier to stick to sex. Saying that, every sexual encounter has to have “meaning”. He’ll light candles and incense to set the mood, which feels way too intimate than necessary, and always smoke a rollie afterwards. He finds it important you both come at the same time, which makes the whole thing very stop start.

Why you’ll regret it: All the introspection will force you to have an identity crisis about who you are as a person and what the hell you’re doing with your life.

The Strongbow Dark Fruits boy

You become attracted to him through your mutual love of Strongbow Dark Fruit. He spends his day in the pub garden, smoking rollies and gradually getting more and more pissed. Obviously he’s fit, and after several hours of eye fucking, you’re in. He’ll be a good laugh in bed – probably due to the amount of cider through your veins. He’s more experienced than the sad boy thanks to his four year secondary school sweetheart, but not overly adventurous. He’ll constantly ask for you to go on top.

Why you’ll regret it: Bros, booze, Xbox will always take priority before you.

The promoter boy

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You’ll be added to a long list of girls he’s slept with, who he now ghosts. Your pleasure and enjoyment during this three minute ordeal mean nothing to him – he’s gotta be on the doors at 10 being overly enthused about £1 shots and some Made In Chelsea reject making an appearance. You thought he was fit, but after knowing how he uses his dick he instantly goes down in estimations.

Why you’ll regret it: You got with a promoter *shudders*.

The festival boy

He’s spent months moaning that Glastonbury isn’t on this year, so instead he’s going to four festivals this summer to make up for it. You’ll find him at Houghton, Boomtown, Field Day and Lost Village in a wavy tropical unbuttoned shirt, Ray Bans, holding a can of K cider finished off with a bucket hat. Sure, he’s hot, from all this outside activity he’s got the best tan. But when it comes down to it, the mixture of mushrooms and ket becomes too much, and he’ll ruin it by saying he’s going to shit himself, or that he’s seeing his mum in the corner of the two man tent.

Why you’ll regret it: He gave you chlamydia.

Your current housemate

Come on, this is obvious.

Why you’ll regret it: Watching The Chase with the house will never be the same again.

The one who’s visiting from out of town

Alex is visiting his mate Jack who’s on your course. You’re very drunk and he’s relatively hot, although he is definitely the type that shaves his chest and thinks feminists are all hairy, lesbian man-haters. However you’re horny so you do it anyway. He’ll add you on Snapchat and you’ll never see him again. And you’ll need a visit to the clap clinic first thing Monday morning cause he insisted on not using any protection.

Why you’ll regret it: He won’t stop Snapchatting you, and he has a girlfriend.

The posh boy

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You’ll meet him at a royal wedding party in May, which he’s hosting. This event includes eating little sausage rolls and scotch eggs during Harry and Meghan’s wedding. You swear to yourself you will never get with this pompous guy, in his yellow chinos and striped blue and white Jack Wills shirt, who loves the monarchy more than his own mother. But after eight glasses of his perfectly proportioned Pimms, with just the right amount of fruit in it, you’ll be under the sheets in no time. It’ll be a sweaty experience with you mainly on top because he has no clue how to use his own dick, so you do it for him. He’ll grunt a lot.

Why you’ll regret it: He’ll always remind everyone of “that one time” when you see each other at social events. You will never shake it off.

The World Cup boy

This is all this boy’s been waiting for. He’s got his vintage England t-shirt ready, his house is decorated with different nationalities flags, he’s even done a sweep-stake with his seminar group. The excitement means he’s had no time to shag anyone – the football has so far fulfilled him. So after the guaranteed unfulfilling first match between Russia vs. Saudi Arabia, and after several pints, he’ll stumble home with you. His time out of the game will mean he’ll be in you for approx two mins before blowing his load.

Why you’ll regret it: He definitely won’t think to finish you off – he’s got the highlights to catch.

The Adi-daddy

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You thought he was going to be painfully boring, because every boy has an Adidas jumper, but he actually turned out to be super caring, the sex was amazing and you had the best pillowtalk. The Adidaddy will make you feel really comfortable around him, so much so that you will get too attached.

Why you’ll regret it: You get too attached, he won’t fall for you but you’ll fall for him.

The finance boy

Due to his commitment to corporate slavery, this will become nothing more than a friend with benefits agreement. The finance guy is good in bed, you’ll definitely always come, but the relationship doesn’t go up to post-sex spooning and cuddles. No doubt he’ll have to check his boss hasn’t text him asking for him to come back into work seconds after coming, which is romantic.

Why you’ll regret it: Spreadsheets before bedsheets.

The older man

He’s in his early 30s and you thought “why not”? “He’ll probably be more experienced and a machine in bed”. You thought wrong. He’s probably getting a kick out of pulling someone a decade his junior and is just doing it to tell his pals. Maybe he just wanted to feel like a sugar daddy for the night because he got to pay for your Wagamama before taking you back to his sad studio apartment and giving you a half-hearted finger. Whatever the reason, older men are never as satisfying as you expect them to be, and they always have wrinklier, saggier balls.

Why you’ll regret it: Turns out he’s your seminar tutor for next term.

The fresher

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Yes, he’s young but he doesn’t look 18, ok? You went there for one reason, he is an absolute 11/10 and has shoulders to die for. Okay and maybe because you wanted to tick a fresher off the list. However this can either go one of two ways: He’ll either be weirdly experienced, or he will be a timid inexperienced little boy once the boxers are off and you’ll spend the whole boozy evening coaching him.

Why you’ll regret it: They’ll never stop telling everyone how they got with someone older.

The ket dealer

They’ll only message you after midnight. If they do come round, they won’t leave until 2pm, and you didn’t even have morning sex.

Why you’ll regret it: You can’t pick up from him ever again.

The boy who is ‘different’ to other boys

You’ll probably meet him through a friend and immediately like him, he’s one of those boys who doesn’t come across too flirty, probably likes Peep Show, doesn’t care too much about what he looks like so he’s effortlessly cool, and goes straight into the ‘non fuckboy’ category. He’ll be amazing in bed which will surprise you because he doesn’t seem the type, and his perfect personality, sweet nature AND good sex will get you hooked.

Why you’ll regret it: His ‘nice boy’ persona means he probably just wants to be friends, fml.

Mr Brightside boy

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This boy will only appear in your life when Mr Brightside comes on at the SU and in that moment, after you’ve had five pints, you will find him really attractive. But when you take him back to yours, you’ll realise he used up all of his energy yelling the lyrics to Mr Brightside and Chelsea Dagger back to back on the dancefloor. The minute he sees your bed, he will crash onto it and pass out.

Why you’ll regret it: You could’ve pulled someone else.

The regional Spoon-head

The tables at your small, leafy market-town’s Wetherspoons have been pushed into a corner and a makeshift dance-floor has emerged. You’ll start getting off with a guy in a Fred Perry polo and badly fitted jeans – probably from Burton – who has spent the first two minutes of Ke$ha – Timber dry humping you. But you won’t sleep with him that evening. Instead he’ll take you on a date to Nando’s, followed by the cinema, where he’ll probably try and finger you despite the place being full. You’ll go back to his, where his mum is downstairs watching Casualty, have very quiet sex in missionary position then never return to that Spoons ever again.

Why you’ll regret it: Everyone in your hometown will think you were fingered in the cinema.

Why you will regret it: You get too attached, he won’t fall for you but you’ll fall for him.

The hockey boy

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The hockey boy is all talk but no action. It’s all hot air. You’ll think those strong legs would mean he would be a little assertive in the bedroom, but in reality he will have trouble finding your clit and start rubbing your thigh instead. After a while, the missionary will bore you, so you will get on top and he will tell you you’re the best he’s ever had. Bleurgh.

Why you will regret it: Because you will see him at every single Sports night, lurking around you like you owe him something now.

The stoner boy

What you thought was going to happen: You are gonna fuck until the early hours of dawn, whilst listening to Drake, getting high together and eating good food in between.

What actually happened: He got too high and had a really hard time getting it up. After 15 minutes of doing everything in your power to make his dick function, it went floppy the minute he got inside of you.

Why you’ll regret it: Everything you own will smell like weed, and you didn’t even get laid.

The LinkedIn bro

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The LinkedIn bro is a lowkey set-menu fuckboy. He has his routine and he religiously sticks to it. He’ll make you shower beforehand because he doesn’t want his Egyptian cotton to get dirty in any way. When taking your clothes off, he wouldn’t dare throw his Charles Tyrwhitt shirt on the floor. Oh no, he’ll careful place his clothes on a chair – or anywhere they won’t end up creased, cos don’t you know long it took him to iron this morning? The only time he’s free to meet are between 10pm-1am, when he’s taking a break from applying to Big Four grad schemes.

Why you’ll regret it: You’ll lose sleep and the sex is definitely not worth being tired for.