What his Tinder caption tells you about how he will fuck up your life
Work hard, play hard, CEO @ self-employed
Go on Tinder and you will see that men always use the exact same bios. Either they are quoting Drake lyrics, letting you know they want a travel partner or claiming they need a date for a wedding.
Well, that initial caption says a lot about what sort of man he is and how he will (probably) ruin everything. Will he come out with you and try snog all your mates in the smoking area or will he bore you to death by droning on about his latest business plan for a tech startup?
I spent two days swiping through the cess pit of men posing with fish and group photos at grad balls that is Tinder to see what the most used phrases are.
So before you dedicate all your time to an absolute wasteman, here is a list of every Tinder bio used by the male population and what it means about how they will fuck up your life:
'Long personal description'
You go out with this guy because you have trust issues. He is so wet you might actually have to mop him off the floor with a jay cloth.
'Only swipe right if you smoke weed'
Prepare to endure this guys descriptions of the various strains of cannabis: "babe take some lemon haze and then pepper some skunk over and then roll it all up in blueberry rolling papers". Mate, I just want to get stoned? We are not designing D&Gs new eau de parfum.
Every time you come over he's fully mashed, lying horizontal with a massive bowl of Frosties propped up on his chest, you give him a lifeless blow job before he passes out. Sometimes he can't get a boner so you just watch sumo wrestling Youtube clips in silence.
'Looking for a fellow weirdo'
No one who describes themselves as weird is actually weird. Prepared to be bored to death by this bloke. After a few Pizza Express dinners you somehow end up in a relationship with him, he always has two pints of blonde ale and then goes home, "got a busy one tomorrow". He's forever wearing that checked shirt his mum bought him for Christmas, probably over a white T-shirt from GAP. The most interesting thing about him is that he puts salad cream on Pizza. You go out with him for four years and totally forget the meaning of fun.
'Looking for a travelling partner'
Probably went to Thailand once, he has a dry office job working as an estate agent. You die of embarrassment when you invite him out and see him telling your friends about the Full Moon party he went to in 2013. Everything from him posing with a tiger that was obviously comatose with sedatives, to the wild paint party, to the spiritual experience he had up a volcano. Yawn.
Snapchat and Instagram linked in
He will take you on a date to Zizzi's and spend the whole time on his phone.
'No dog filters please'
A few months into the relationship you realise this guy is a low-key sexist, getting a bit too upset about positive discrimination schemes. Always pushes your head down when you're sucking him off. It all gets a bit much when he says "what do you expect?" when some guy stares at your tits when you're wearing a crop top.
'If you are not going to swipe right, just don't bother'
You should have known from the defeatist tone of this caption that this guy was going to have serious emotional baggage. I'm talking 50% off at Missguided levels of bulk. He will guilt trip you for having friends, "it's cool I'll just sit here on my own".
He says "I have never met a girl like you before" and you actually believe it. You want to drown in his thick musty aftershave, nuzzle your face in those grey jersey joggers and slightly over plucked eyebrows.
Two months in, he dons a pair of white ripped skinny jeans, books a table out in TigerTiger and buys a treasure chest of blue liquid. He uploads a picture onto Instagram stood in between two table dancers who are kissing him on the cheek. You are not texting him long enough to get annoyed that he definitely slept with one of them. NEEEXT.
'Looking to be big spoon'
After some fun sex, you invite this guy out with your girl group. He tries to initiate three-way kisses, he rubs his flaccid penis against their backs, eye fucking everyone over his flat Carlsberg and buying a few too many rounds of tequila. He doesn't get invited out again.
'CEO @ self-employed'
Yeah ambition is sexy but dates with this guy feel like sitting through a power point presentation at a careers fair. Please stop talking about the importance of social media for audience development. You have to leave the date before he drops another unbearable quote, "being grateful for where you are will help you to where you are going". Should have left soon as you realised he was wearing a fedora.
'Looking for someone to help me keep warm'
This guy is so needy, texting you all day saying, "hey, how's work?" yeah cool man, the same as when I told you 2 mins ago. Will get annoyed at you for having contact with men, even if that just means sitting next to them on the bus.
Has no friends so ends up hovering in the background of your girls night, watching the clutch bags, being blamed for taking unflattering group photos and looking after the drinks when you all bundle into the toilets. When you realise his touch feels like a gross uncle, you end it and so doth blossom the most fruitful slut phase.
Anyone who mentions the gym in their bio
You date him for his dench shoulders. He is almost as bland as all the chicken, brown rice and spinach he routinely shovels into his mouth. You could literally walk in front of a bus and he would be like, "I have to go to the gym, will ring when I'm walking home." He has no sex drive because he juices it all out daily on the bench press. If you like the feeling of happiness, avoid this guy.
Unnecessary amounts of emojis
Incapable of maintaining a conversation, will communicate to you via different pitched mumbles.
'Perfect date is going for a country walk with my dog, pub lunch, and a boozy dinner party'
Raging Tory, is always carrying around rifles, chortling about the free market, and replying to literally everything you say with "uh yah". You could cope with the tax avoidance because yanno, this guy was buying you Moët, but there is only so long you can fancy someone with red trousers before you see the light and get the ick.
The one who makes a quirky profile
You know the type I am talking about, they make those ironic power point presentations about why you should swipe right. Will be incapable of taking anything seriously, you could be like "I played this song at my Nan's funeral" and he'd just go hahahah dick. You become sick of his Peter Crouch impression, the way he repeats everything you say back to you in this incredibly high-pitched effeminate voice and those long indulgent burps he does right in your face so you kind of eat them.
'Won't bite ;)'
You go out with him and 10 months down the line find out he's been messaging loads of girls. The worst bit about it, they weren't even replying, he just kept sending question marks.
'New to the whole Tinder game'
If he's not 40-years-old, you will spend your time with this guy holding his hand and pretending to be chill whilst he goes for coffee for "closure" with his ex.
'Not looking for love'
Will give you herpes.
Un-employed, will end up moving in with you and you're not quite sure how it happened. Is always nicking your face moisturiser and never brings any milk back from the shop. Unless you really, really like going to spoken word evenings with free Doritos and little glasses of red wine do not pursue.
Rating himself out of 5 for various things
It might seem ironic, but this guy actually does rate himself so much.
This guy cannot be arsed, thinks getting you a lukewarm tea with too much milk counts as treating you.
'6'7 because apparently that's important'
Don't lie you were gagging to tell everyone. One round of drinks at Slug and Lettuce and you find that his height is the best thing about this guy. Has one of those boring jobs that even when he has explained it seven times, you still don't get it, "currency analyst surveyor". Waste of a Mojito.
'Climbing, rafting, sailing'
Even if Mr Outdoorsy has a good tan, defined calf muscles and a good selection of forest green Berghaus fleeces, do not make contact. He will make out that you're stuck up because you want to clean yourself with something other than a Johnson's wet wipe and don't enjoy eating soggy sandwiches out of cling film.
'P.s. that's is my nephew'
This guy might have attractive stubble, inoffensive shoes, and a nice job in Engineering but he is dull as anything. Hence his total lack of humour in pointing out the mundanely obvious.
Don't be fooled by the slashes, unless he is wearing a clunky watch, has a tight velvet suit on, overtly white teeth and a picture of him at Ascot, then he probably isn't the monied jet setter he sells himself as. More like he went on holiday to Italy once. The best is when people put shit like: London/Blackpool, trying to sell their crappy home town off as a deluxe corporate destination that they helicopter to and from. In both cases the guy will always be blabbing on about how much money he earns.
'Looking for someone to bring to a wedding next weekend'
First off, this wedding does not exist. His profile he will most likely be wearing a pastel blue shirt from Ralph Lauren, slightly overly styled hair, a cheeky smile on his lips.
He loves his mum way too much, we know this because within the concept of a wedding is the indication that she will be there. You will never make lasagna like the ones she gives him in tupperware to freeze, watch as she cuddles him, her boobs slightly pressed into his face.
'Just a Northern guy trying to fit in'
Growing up in Huddersfield he is eight years behind on popular culture, still goes to Leeds Fest every year and moans when the Arctic Monkeys aren't on the line up. There is only so long you can ignore his greasy mop hair and Courteeners t-shirt before he starts to lose you Instagram followers.
'Sports day egg and spoon race champion' or any other completely irrelevant childhood achievement
Will interrupt you to discuss his life achievements, cool man you got onto the leaderboard at Fitness First!!!!!
He brings you your favourite chocolate bar on the second date because you mentioned it in passing. If you stay with him for long enough he will end up giving you a drift wood sign, "together is my favourite place to be". Vom.
'New in town, looking for someone to show me around'
This guy has been in town for about two years now and he still hasn't found anyone to take him for a latte to go and a browse around the wildlife museum. Don't be the one to brake the cycle, otherwise he will be sending you 'hey' texts for years.
Pizza mentioned anywhere in the profile
Still thinks it is novel to admit to liking low-culture, you like G&Ts, Avengers movies, chicken nuggets and Don't Tell the Bride. Cooool man.
'I am never on here, message me'
This guy is super judgy, shames you for rolling shit fags, laughs at you for finding Lee Mac funny, goes on about reality television like it might actually be harming the environment. By the end of your relationship he will have indoctrinated you, rolling your eyes every time someone says they like Little Mix.
Sounds fun you think, yeah I like spanking, I am always up for trying new things. Plus, judging from the shadows bouncing off his abs, this guy is hot. You meet up with him to find a meek, balding 30-year-old called Simon, he can't hold eye contact without looking like he might dissolve. He ends up chopping you into tiny little pieces, putting you into a blender, and making figurative art out of your blood. Avoid at all costs.